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Like any relationship (even the hypothetical one with your uncle), you have to work at them to make them good at any given time. You both have a choice as to whether or not you want the relationship to work. You have a choice in how much effort you put into it.
Not all relationships are doomed from the beginning. There are clearly some that are. But the ones that start out good can remain good if both are willing to put in the work. Often times, what seems to happen, is that one or both parties get lazy or selfish, and they allow the relationship to slip and fall apart. The point is, they have a choice in the matter, and they have a choice as to whether they want to repair and improve the relationship. For some people, the juice is not worth the squeeze, or it is, and they realize it after the fact. But that's entirely on them, not biological instincts.
Personally, I am much more forgiving with my gf than with family (although some people think it should be the other way round, you know, the whole blood is thicker thingy...). I actually have an uncle who I recently learned was a child abuser. I never liked him even before I knew that, and I felt nothing when he died, I felt like, finally, one scumbag fewer on this planet.
With a bf/gf/spouse one tends to ignore and excuse things one is not happy about, probably in order to keep the illusion alive as one knows that once the illusion has serious cracks and there are more and more doubts, it's the beginning of the end.
People are cheating on each other all the time, domestic violence is abundant, children are abused as weapons in divorces... it's all no secret. Sometimes two guys fight over a woman, and I think to myself, how absurd and primitive is that?!? Someone's stuck in the Middle Ages there. If a woman likes man A (it's her decision and nobody else's), good for him, so man B just go and find himself another woman ^^
So I was wondering why humans keep maintaining those dated ideas which are the root of the problem. Ideas like that the other person belongs to their partner as if he or she were a possession, that two people are meant to be together, or that relationships should last forever, that kind of ideas...
So, maybe we should start to tell kids the truth from a very early age on Points like these:
- humans, just like the other big apes, are not monogamous by nature, it's unnatural, which creates all kinds of problems
- no two people are meant to be together; the brain fools people into believing otherwise, but it's a malfunction, there are millions of suitable partners for everyone out there; when people think they found their soulmate, they were just lucky enough to have stumbled upon someone who turns out very compatible with them; but that would apply to millions of others if they ever got to meet them in the first place
- nobody belongs to anyone, instead partners continue to be 100% individuals who only decide to form an alliance, often temporary, sometimes doomed from the very start
- relationships can end at any time and everyone involved must accept it, no matter what; it's not like someone is taking your toy away, which you have a right to; just be happy while your relationship lasts
Maybe marriage should expire automatically after a year, unless both voluntarily renew it independently every year (that would also make people behave better as not renewing a marriage is much simpler than initiating a divorce).
Of course I was fed all those ideas as well, took me a long time to free myself of them and take myself and my wishes not so seriously...
I understand how you feel, something of a cynic myself, but recovering from it, because I don't want the consequences of unrelenting cynicsm....aloneness. One thing I've learned. While your ideas about marriage licenses and relationship agreements being meted out and handled like driver's or business licenses, sound as if they would be practical solutions to a rampant problem...they do not address the still larger problem: HOW do you hedge your bets against fate or the human heart? Can't be done. This business of assurances...it's like trying to fix a leaky old boat. You patch one hole and you think the ship won't take on water...surprise! another hole arises to take its place. I've heard of husbands who were chronic womanizers...and their wife never refused him sex, nor cheated on him. I've heard of legally separated wives, who, after being in an abusive marriage would have been within their rights to become intimate with someone else, but they honored their marriage vows of sexual fidelity even when there was no benefit in this for them, until the courts handed down the legal divorce decree. My point is, if the human spirit and the human heart has a strong inclination to commit wrongdoing, it will, with no provocation or justification...and if it is within a person to do what is right, they will do what is right, regardless of what their partner or world says or does otherwise.
Sounds nice at first, but I don't think it is correct because very little in the world around me depends on me, whereas in that text everything the dog sees depends on him. Reality is mostly the way it is, no matter if I smile or frown at it, even my own behavior has little influence on the world around me, unfortunately.
I understand how you feel, something of a cynic myself, but recovering from it, because I don't want the consequences of unrelenting cynicsm....aloneness. One thing I've learned. While your ideas about marriage licenses and relationship agreements being meted out and handled like driver's or business licenses, sound as if they would be practical solutions to a rampant problem...they do not address the still larger problem: HOW do you hedge your bets against fate or the human heart? Can't be done. This business of assurances...it's like trying to fix a leaky old boat. You patch one hole and you think the ship won't take on water...surprise! another hole arises to take its place. I've heard of husbands who were chronic womanizers...and their wife never refused him sex, nor cheated on him. I've heard of legally separated wives, who, after being in an abusive marriage would have been within their rights to become intimate with someone else, but they honored their marriage vows of sexual fidelity even when there was no benefit in this for them, until the courts handed down the legal divorce decree. My point is, if the human spirit and the human heart has a strong inclination to commit wrongdoing, it will, with no provocation or justification...and if it is within a person to do what is right, they will do what is right, regardless of what their partner or world says or does otherwise.
Fate and the human heart. To a certain extent I think one can counter fate, as in learning how to better deal with whatever life throws at you. The human heart can be conditioned as well, but I think it has to start early when people are still young. Once they are adults and caught in certain behavior, there is no point in trying to change them. When we say human heart, what we really mean is the human mind, which of course can be molded to a certain extent.
It's a bit like with eating. It also has a strong natural component, but one can domesticate one's impulses if one knows about how nutrition and the body work.
I guess I have more faith in things like education, prevention, etc. than you do, maybe I am more naive
Yawn. Another person who wants to blame base instincts for bad behavior. Humans have the ability to know right from wrong, and plenty have formed monogamous relationships that last a lifetime. If you don't want to, that's your deal. Sorry about the chip on your shoulder, but it doesn't make you edgy or insightful the way you think it does.
Regarding the chivalry thingy, some women like that whole game of being conquered a lot, which always reminds me of those knights in shining armor
When men make such an effort, logically they feel like they got some kind of right once they have achieved their goal. So they become defensive and treat their better half like their possession, the profit from their investment so to speak.
Yawn. Another person who wants to blame base instincts for bad behavior. Humans have the ability to know right from wrong, and plenty have formed monogamous relationships that last a lifetime. If you don't want to, that's your deal. Sorry about the chip on your shoulder, but it doesn't make you edgy or insightful the way you think it does.
Well, this thread is not about those lucky ones who have found a very compatible person to spend their entire lives with (nothing I have said would affect those in any way), but about all those who are stuck in relationships with less compatible people, and problematic behavior resulting therefrom.
Regarding the chivalry thingy, some women like that whole game of being conquered a lot, which always reminds me of those knights in shining armor
When men make such an effort, logically they feel like they got some kind of right once they have achieved their goal. So they become defensive and treat their better half like their possession, the profit from their investment so to speak.
Some men like that too. Some women get possessive too. Everyone is different.
Well, this thread is not about those lucky ones who have found a very compatible person to spend their entire lives with (nothing I have said would affect those in any way), but about all those who are stuck in relationships with less compatible people, and problematic behavior resulting therefrom.
If you are incompatible, leave and find someone who suits you better or be alone. Being alone isn't that terrible.
Well, this thread is not about those lucky ones who have found a very compatible person to spend their entire lives with (nothing I have said would affect those in any way), but about all those who are stuck in relationships with less compatible people, and problematic behavior resulting therefrom.
Nobody is "stuck" in a relationship.
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Points like these:
