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Hi everyone and thank you in advance for your time.
In my silly bid to understand male psychology (I can't really; everyone's different) I thought some outside opinions could be useful. I'm quite intrigued about the answers, provided there will be any.
My question is primarily for men - how much time do you guys need on average in order to feel that your partner is not intruding on your private 'space', pestering or preventing you from doing whatever you were doing before becoming involved with them?
The situation I'm about to describe is fairly unusual. So I would really appreciate it if you were totally honest about how you see it - I'm thinking maybe it's ideal for men and would be more common if more women accepted it. Or maybe it's not normal or acceptable at all.
A man in his early 40's is engaged to a woman he already has children with and has been officially living with for almost a decade. Only they don't live together now as he lives in a flat just 15 minutes away from hers. Initially, the reason given was lack of space and quietness (he works online) as her place is very small and kids do tend to be noisy. So it's understandable to go somewhere else to work - except he sleeps there as well. He is there constantly and only visits his family 2 or 3 times a month, as if they were separated, basically.
He's really smart and kind and has good moral values; he also says he is lonely there and promises a future of a shared house (which is unlikely to happen within the next few years, financially, so a very elusive future). Also, he enjoys visits from his partner, who drops by with home-cooked meals twice a week or so; he allows her to drop by unannounced at any time, day or night, so he is definitely not seeing anyone else. He also enjoys spending 'alone' time with his partner when her mother babysits. These would be the good parts. He talks about marriage and being together forever.
He is loving and affectionate while with his partner but sees her and speaks to her more seldom than one would when dating. Besides, he doesn't read his emails for days on end and has no phone so the only way to contact him in a potential emergency is by knocking on his door. Which is time wasted, so in an emergency of any kind his partner is used to turning to her family instead. Her family dislikes him quite a bit due to his lack of involvement and support. Obviously, he is not involved in his children's lives either, though he is a great Dad while with them.These would be the negative parts.
His partner is becoming quite lonely after almost two years of living apart in this manner and can't understand how someone can seem so committed and at the same time be so little involved and not there when needed, in everyday life, basically. He's not exactly touring Europe with a band or away in the army; he lives up the road.
Oh, and I forgot to say his partner generally avoids bothering him as he is very reclusive and has an erratic schedule (he works at night, by choice, and sleeps during the day mostly). Also, he has expressed his discontent about being bothered when a problem was involved (he's happy with visits when everything's rosy though) and his partner has learned he is the very last option in that sense.
So what do you think?
Thanks again; I was going to boil this down to a few lines but it never works.
Last edited by Inquisitive29; 04-12-2015 at 11:25 AM..
How two adults choose to live their life is their decision. But he made the decision to have children, he needs to participate in raising them. That's unacceptable, and any woman who facilitates this mess is doing a disservice to her children as well. IMO
For me personally? While I would also enjoy the space, emotionally having a guy not want to be more in my life would not be acceptable. I would not wait around for some guy to want to marry me (if that is what I wanted). I would rather rip off the bandaid then remove it slowly. Delivering home cooked meals? No way. You want out, then be OUT.
The family should be mad at her too. She is completely facilitating his selfish needs.
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A man in his early 40's is engaged to a woman he already has children with and has been officially living with for almost a decade. Only they don't live together now as he lives in a flat just 15 minutes away from hers. Initially, the reason given was lack of space and quietness (he works online) as her place is very small and kids do tend to be noisy. So it's understandable to go somewhere else to work - except he sleeps there as well. He is there constantly and only visits his family 2 or 3 times a month, as if they were separated, basically.
Ugh. He should have used birth control if he didn't want to be a parent.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inquisitive29
He's really smart and kind and has good moral values; he also says he is lonely there and promises a future of a shared house (which is unlikely to happen within the next few years, financially, so a very elusive future). Also, he enjoys visits from his partner, who drops by with home-cooked meals twice a week or so; he allows her to drop by unannounced at any time, day or night,
How kind of him to "allow" her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inquisitive29
He talks about marriage and being together forever.
Anyone can TALK about marriage, but they aren't even "together" now. Why would they be together "forever"??
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inquisitive29
So what do you think?
I think this is not the same as "needing your space." This is not being accountable.
She should have moved on long ago, to find a guy who was serious about marriage. She could drop the kids off at his place, and take a job out of town, and look for a new guy.
I was expecting this sort of anger from ladies (which is what I presume the above posters are, according to their reaction). My question however is directed at men and how they personally see this situation.
I'm interested in the cold, undisguised, scientifically dissected features of male nature. In spite of how society tends or wishes to regulate them.
Human nature doesn't necessarily ply on the social conventions of the day. And while we mostly abide by these conventions, we sometimes do it against our natural instincts. It's these natural instincts I'm interested in. The conventions will keep on changing, as they have throughout centuries and decades (to speak of recent times, of course ).
I was expecting this sort of anger from ladies (which is what I presume the above posters are, according to their reaction). My question however is directed at men and how they personally see this situation.
I'm interested in the cold, undisguised, scientifically dissected features of male nature. In spite of how society tends or wishes to regulate them.
Human nature doesn't necessarily ply on the social conventions of the day. And while we mostly abide by these conventions, we sometimes do it against our natural instincts. It's these natural instincts I'm interested in. The conventions will keep on changing, as they have throughout centuries and decades (to speak of recent times, of course ).
Oh, you're one of those.
That last paragraph doesn't really say anything.
Also, remember in your OP you asked for OPINIONS, not science.
I was expecting this sort of anger from ladies (which is what I presume the above posters are, according to their reaction). My question however is directed at men and how they personally see this situation.
I'm interested in the cold, undisguised, scientifically dissected features of male nature. In spite of how society tends or wishes to regulate them.
Human nature doesn't necessarily ply on the social conventions of the day. And while we mostly abide by these conventions, we sometimes do it against our natural instincts. It's these natural instincts I'm interested in. The conventions will keep on changing, as they have throughout centuries and decades (to speak of recent times, of course ).
Anger? It's a practical response. I wonder who takes care of the kids when she goes on vacation, or spends time over at his place? Or wants to spend time with friends?
If the situation were reversed, how many men would put up with seeing their SO less frequently than when dating, and delivering food twice/week without being able to call or email in advance, or enjoy a phone call or email exchange a few times/week? This would be a demeaning situation for anyone.
I think this is not the same as "needing your space." This is not being accountable.
I agree. That's what makes matters difficult.
Although to think of it, in past centuries men were only responsible for providing, while women were responsible for all the rest. When both partners work however, there should be shared responsibilities.
I agree. That's what makes matters difficult.
Although to think of it, in past centuries men were only responsible for providing, while women were responsible for all the rest. When both partners work however, there should be shared responsibilities.
Why do people on here keep picking one kookabunny and then asking people to explain the behavior as a representative of the entire demographic?
It's ridiculous and doesn't even make for interesting conversation.
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He should have used birth control if he didn't want to be a parent.
