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I'm 38, married and have 3 children.
I run a small but successful business filled with collage aged professionals that have to at all times be intermingling with seasoned professionals across multiple fields and industries.
I can't imagine why I or any one of our older married men would want to activlity "hang out" socially with any one of our collage aged females or provocatively flirt with them unless they where seeking something from them.
If a romance is not what YOU seek with this man, YOU have to make the steps to not open the doors for him.
you need to tell him to stop touching you when he does it. he is purposfully putting himself in your personal space. Unless you speak up and act for yourself you are only ever going to allow others to define who YOU are.
Whether or not he realizes what he is doing is completely irrelevant. It's up to you as the person on the receiving end to make him aware and set the boundaries for what your relationship with him will be.
Unless you set a standard for yourself, everyone is just going to walk all over you...becuase they can, you allow them too.
Last edited by rego00123; 04-24-2015 at 03:03 PM..
I'm done as everything that's needed to be said, has been said and at this point the OP might just be using us for attention as I don't see how you can start off being naive to his intentions too
"It's his problem not mine" then back too
"I don't know what his touching me means" too
"I don't see nothing wrong with having lunch every once in awhile" too
"we've set it up to have lunch every other Thursday."
Like really? Don't try to demean my intellegence, it's insulting.
I was just curious to see if his actions were flirtatious, because he told me that he wanted to be friends. And I was game to be friends. As long as it's platonic. (For reference: He's 38 and married and I'm 22 and single.)
I second guess myself and give him the benefit of the doubt, that he is just being friendly.
(He calls everyone sunshine, btw.)
I don't see any harm in going to lunch every once in a while with a coworker, married or not. It's lunch. We're not sneaking off and making out.
I just get confused, like today, when I'm sitting at my cubicle and he takes me by surprise and starts rubbing my shoulders. He's never done that before and it just felt... I dunno, weird. I was surprised, and when I started to turn around he stopped and said "It's Friday, smile!"
Also, he called me needing a project number for one my construction projects, so I said "just hold on" and he said "what am I holding onto?" I didn't know what to say, so I laughed. And he laughed. That comment was probably nothing, just playful banter, but it raised my eyebrows. I don't know maybe I'm being sensitive and reading too much into it.
I don't touch people I don't like, but I know that some people are touchy feely and they don't even realize that they're even doing it. Like I said, I give him the benefit of the doubt and since he is so friendly to everyone, that he probably doesn't even realize what he's doing.
We're supposed to have lunch together every other Thursday.
And I'm fighting the theory that he's just friendly and out going. (Which he is, very friendly and nice) but I don't think that he rubs other ladies shoulders. And he doesn't go to lunch with other ladies.
Which makes me think why me?? I don't ever touch him back, or flirt with him.
I get confused, I lose my voice and I don't know what to say or do.
Oh, shoulder rubs now? Yeah, it's most certainly platonic. A kiss on the neck would definitely just being friendly.
Nvm my previous responses. You have nothing to worry about. Carry on.
OP, even if he's starts going down on you, it's still just friendly. There's nothing shady at all about that.
Look, I'm honestly feeling confused. I don't know how to respond to him, and I don't want to be so abrupt in my discontinuation of interaction with him that he gets terribly offended and gets "pissed off at me" again.
I am honestly asking, is there a possibility that this is just his personality? And he is unaware of how he is acting? I'm asking because I have never encountered this before, but perhaps some people are just flirtatious/friendly people.
I'm just trying to figure out how to best diffuse this situation.
Maybe I gave him hints? I don't think I have. I don't respond to him at all. I guess laughing at his "what should I hold onto"? comment is a response. But I didn't know what to say!
Look, I'm honestly feeling confused. I don't know how to respond to him, and I don't want to be so abrupt in my discontinuation of interaction with him that he gets terribly offended and gets "pissed off at me" again.
I am honestly asking, is there a possibility that this is just his personality? And he is unaware of how he is acting? I'm asking because I have never encountered this before, but perhaps some people are just flirtatious/friendly people.
I'm just trying to figure out how to best diffuse this situation.
Maybe I gave him hints? I don't think I have. I don't respond to him at all. I guess laughing at his "what should I hold onto"? comment is a response. But I didn't know what to say!
I'm not experienced in these situations, at all.
It's not as hard as you make it. Even if he is doing in out of habit, you tell him to stop. Say you wanna be friends with him, but don't feel his rubbing and nudging all over you is appropriate, especially when he's married and hasn't told his wife anything about you, and is scared of "being caught" with you.
Even when people do things out of habit, then if you're uncomfortable, it's your job to tell them not to act that way with you, because you don't feel it's appropriate, or you don't feel comfortable. Silence just paints the picture that you're ok with something. Because many people feel it's common sense for someone to actually "speak up" when they're unhappy or uncomfortable with something. Everyone isn't a mind-reader. So for many, especially guys, if you say nothing, that's as good as a blessing to continue whatever it is they're doing, and they will if you set no boundaries.
I really find it hard to believe anyone is quite that naive past 16. I am not the most wordy, but even I'm not that naive. If a guy is touching all over me, and I had no feelings for him, like you claim, and especially if he's married, I would kindly tell him that he stop. If it continues, I would be reporting him. If he gets pissed, I would know he's selfish and childish, and possibly controlling-all of which tell him early on to not get further involved with him.
What is there to be confused about. Seems like you're playing confused or innocent so much, you started to actually believe it. Funny how the mind works. And even if he does get pissed, so what? Even lovers and best friends get pissed. he'll get over it. And he shouldn't be so offended that a young single co worker he only wants innocent lunch with, doesn't want him touching all over her.
You not resisting his flirtations, laughing along with him, and letting him touch you, sets a standard that you apparently either don't mind, or like it, and he'll continue to push more boundaries with you to the point of grouping you sexually, or going for a kiss of some kind. So while you may not have made any passes at him, you sure aren't resisting his advances.
Last edited by HappyRain; 04-24-2015 at 04:37 PM..
I fail to understand how you can still be confused. People have been pretty explicit in their opinion of his behavior.
Quote:
Originally Posted by freckle_face
I don't know how to respond to him, and I don't want to be so abrupt in my discontinuation of interaction with him that he gets terribly offended and gets "pissed off at me" again.
Who cares if he gets "pissed off" at you. I will give you the same advice I would give my 24 year old daughter. Tell him in a stern voice that you do not want him to touch you again. No need to apologize. His behavior and touching is inappropriate. The shoulder rub confirmed it. If he continues, report him to HR. Pretty simple.
Quote:
Originally Posted by freckle_face
I am honestly asking, is there a possibility that this is just his personality? And he is unaware of how he is acting? I'm asking because I have never encountered this before, but perhaps some people are just flirtatious/friendly people.
Some people are flirtatious, but this is beyond that and not appropriate or acceptable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by freckle_face
I'm just trying to figure out how to best diffuse this situation.
See above. Just tell him to stop.
Quote:
Originally Posted by freckle_face
Maybe I gave him hints? I don't think I have. I don't respond to him at all. I guess laughing at his "what should I hold onto"? comment is a response. But I didn't know what to say!
By making a regular lunch date and not telling him that you are uncomfortable with the touching, you have in some ways given him permission to continue. That may or may not be your intention, but it is the case.
Quote:
Originally Posted by freckle_face
I'm not experienced in these situations, at all.
It doesn't matter. You have been given LOTS of advice here. Read it. Take it to heart. Follow it.
When I was your age, a male acquaintance made a proposition to me.
He told me that if I do not have sex by the time I am *x* age, my vagina will fall off.
He told me that he would be happy to have sex with me so my vagina would not fall off.
I turned him down.
LOOOOOOL! OMG! That is funnnnnnny! Any pick up line these pathetic guys say and do to get lucky... ugh! But that made me laugh like for real! Wow.
OP if you are so bothered why don't you just tell him that his actions make you feel uncomfortable since he is married. Rather than ignoring him. Just talk to him like the adult that you both are, especially this dubious guy. Ugh
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