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For me, it's 8 years. I don't have a desire to contact her if she doesn't want to talk to (or even if she did), but I'm really having trouble comprehending how ruthless and stone-hearted the world seems to be.
If I die now, it means I spent over 1/4 of my life with someone I'll probably never hear from again. How do you maintain a positive outlook, knowing that's what people are capable of?
Last edited by nc17; 05-02-2015 at 07:49 AM..
Reason: my math is terrible
For me, it's 8 years. I don't have a desire to contact her if she doesn't want to talk to (or even if she did), but I'm really having trouble comprehending how ruthless and stone-hearted the world seems to be.
If I die now, I spent 1/6 of my life with someone I'll probably never hear from again. How do you maintain a positive outlook, knowing that's what people are capable of?
You don't worry with others and their happiness, you tend to your own life and your own happiness.
You also don't put your life into fractions of time, it is done, in the past and cannot be changed.
Accept this fact, deal with this fact appropriate and put it behind you, adapt to the changes (if any) that have been made or you need to make to improve your life and your happiness.
I've (mostly) put her behind me. I guess what bothers me is, I can't seem to escape people who are negative influences and have no interest in your well-being-- who do things that damage your faith in finding decent friends, or finding the right one to settle down with. If that's the kind of people you have to deal with in everyday life, how do you keep a positive attitude?
And I've lived in different places in this world, so it's not like I haven't tried to change my environment.
I lived with somebody for five years, and we have not been in contact since he ended things and I moved out. I wouldn't say he cut me out of his life, so much as it was a mutual decision to move on with no further contact.
I am with someone who is a far better person for me, now, been married for over a year and we are expecting our first child in the fall. Moving on was easier than I thought, but I dealt with a significant betrayal of trust, so I didn't have any residual feelings of, "Gee, I sure miss him." There wasn't anything left, after I found that out.
For me, it's 8 years. I don't have a desire to contact her if she doesn't want to talk to (or even if she did), but I'm really having trouble comprehending how ruthless and stone-hearted the world seems to be.
If I die now, it means I spent over 1/4 of my life with someone I'll probably never hear from again. How do you maintain a positive outlook, knowing that's what people are capable of?
Why is it ruthless and stone-hearted to move on from a relationship and not remain in contact? What people are capable of? It's not a crime to move on. In many respects, its a healthier option as it establishes clear boundaries and intent is not confused. If things ended badly, it's better not to hear from that person and give yourself the time to heal and move forward in a positive direction. Even if things didn't end badly, it simply may be better for the past to be left in the past.
The people I have in my life are people I value and who contribute positively to my life. Just as I am not friends with everyone from my past, I have no need to be friends with my ex-husband. He is an ex for many reasons, none of which add any value to my life today. He randomly texts maybe twice a year and we have a superficial exchange of texts for a few minutes that is rather pointless. Civilized, but not friends.
You might want to evaluate why you were cut off and use it as a growing experience. Move on. Sometimes we put more stock into a certain person and forget that relationships are a function and serve a purpose. Find someone else and try and do a better job at the new relationship. The past is the past for a reason. Can't relive it make new memories in the present.
I agree that your choice of phrasing, i.e. "someone cut me out of their life," is interesting.
In a breakup of a long-term relationship, unless it is highly amicable (not usually typical when a long-term partnering comes apart, but it can happen), or there is some binding factor involved (like kids), it's pretty normal that contact ceases. Most people don't break up and then have that person continue to be a major part of their lives if they don't HAVE to, like with joint parenting, etc. Typically, people become very tangential parts of one another's lives after a split, if, in fact, they remain in one another's lives at all.
Clean breaks are standard if a split is at all acrimonious, and if a smooth moving-on process is to occur. Very few are the relationships where something extremely beneficial is accomplished by continuing to remain a large part (or, truly, any part, in many cases) of someone else's life post-breakup. Not making a clean break fosters crutch-like behavior, even obsession and/or excessive ruminative thoughts, and inhibits moving on productively and healthily with one's life. In some cases, former couples may eventually come back to one another and manage to form an amicable friendship at some point in the future (but not always, by any means), but in most cases, it's highly unrealistic to expect that immediately following a breakup...it shortcuts the grieving process and hinders the moving on, for one thing.
For me, it's 8 years. I don't have a desire to contact her if she doesn't want to talk to (or even if she did), but I'm really having trouble comprehending how ruthless and stone-hearted the world seems to be.
If I die now, it means I spent over 1/4 of my life with someone I'll probably never hear from again. How do you maintain a positive outlook, knowing that's what people are capable of?
Were you guys married? If not after 8 years, then I can understand why she was cold-hearted the way she moved on.. she probably felt strung along..
You feel hurt, because she left you in a very impersonal manner, but maybe you can take this as a learning experience to see the writings on the wall, and improve on certain aspects about yourself? Perhaps you need to learn more about emotional attunement? Or, perhaps, you also need to learn to be a bit more selective of people and your time you spend with them, and be a bit more perceptive to your own feelings about people you meet? I know some people are very chill about whatever comes their way in life, but if a relationship doesn't inspire you or becomes stagnant, it's probably something you might want to dig into and ask yourself why?
Some people get to the point where they're so comfortable in their own life that they get blindsided when someone leaves them, because that person too, had a role of playing their part in the relationship in voicing what they want. When you're too comfortable, you tend to take people for granted, and vice versa, people can take you for granted.
Were you guys married? If not after 8 years, then I can understand why she was cold-hearted the way she moved on.. she probably felt strung along.
Is this the case?
I'm not familiar with the poster's history, so maybe you're more familiar with the background than I am from previous threads, but I didn't read anything in the OP that noted that the ex moved on because she felt strung along, etc. For all we know, the OP got , or feels he got, strung along. We don't know who ended things, what the circumstances are, etc.
Why is it ruthless and stone-hearted to move on from a relationship and not remain in contact? What people are capable of? It's not a crime to move on. In many respects, its a healthier option as it establishes clear boundaries and intent is not confused. If things ended badly, it's better not to hear from that person and give yourself the time to heal and move forward in a positive direction. Even if things didn't end badly, it simply may be better for the past to be left in the past.
I know that people refuse to make eye contact with co-workers and other colleagues that they see outside campus, gossip about other people and never directly address the people they gossip about, have no sympathy for people who get themselves in a bad situation, etc. If you spend years saying I-love-yous, doing everything together, learning about another person's life, then never reach out to ask how they're doing, that's robotic to me. But if that's normal human nature, shouldn't I join in and act the same way? Treat everyone I meet like objects?
Quote:
Originally Posted by kat949
Were you guys married? If not after 8 years, then I can understand why she was cold-hearted the way she moved on.. she probably felt strung along..
You feel hurt, because she left you in a very impersonal manner, but maybe you can take this as a learning experience to see the writings on the wall, and improve on certain aspects about yourself? Perhaps you need to learn more about emotional attunement? Or, perhaps, you also need to learn to be a bit more selective of people and your time you spend with them, and be a bit more perceptive to your own feelings about people you meet? I know some people are very chill about whatever comes their way in life, but if a relationship doesn't inspire you or becomes stagnant, it's probably something you might want to dig into and ask yourself why?
Some people get to the point where they're so comfortable in their own life that they get blindsided when someone leaves them, because that person too, had a role of playing their part in the relationship in voicing what they want. When you're too comfortable, you tend to take people for granted, and vice versa, people can take you for granted.
We moved in together for 3 years, and were planning to get married after I finally got a job (was unemployed for awhile). I had to take a job that in a different city, but she landed her dream job as a dance instructor in the city, so she couldn't move with me. I tried to visit a few months later to patch things up, I spent a weekend humiliating myself while she barely talked or looked at me.
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