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I've known quite a few men whose 20's and early 30's royal sucked when it came to dating and the quality of women they met, but had a completely different experience once they got into their mid to late 30's. Waxing poet here: what is now apple juice, will one day age to a fine cider. This is especially true for those who take care of themselves.
You're right. Dating sucks as a man in his mid 20's. I probably won't have a date until I turn 30.
Unless a guy is exceptional in how he looks, no guy is going to say, "Wow, you look great!" We have a culture in America that is so sensitive to the potential for gay issues that at least no straight guy is going to give some other guy a compliment that could be misconstrued.
Guy 1: Oh man, that's a gorgeous suit jacket. *Extends his hands and gently runs his hands down the lapels, enjoying the feel of the fabric, front and back.*
Guy 2: It's a Michael Kors. Look at the lining!
Right. Not happening. Two women could do something like that. Two straight men will almost never do that as it is perceived as a threat to masculinity. Two gay men might; they have the advantage.
WORKING WITH FEMALE MODELS
I've done fashion photography as I mentioned earlier. My profile photo is of the best model I ever photographed. Her name is Lux. She is out of Phoenix and LA. We spent 11 hours together that day, a few of those on the road. It's sometimes difficult to talk with a beautiful young woman for 5 minutes. How do you maintain rapport for the other 10 hours and 55 minutes? She's a person with an interesting life. You talk, you work with each other. You discover she's an exceptional business person, and that she's both intelligent and creative. We discussed lots of things. She's cool! Oh and yes, she's quite attractive. Intelligence and ability are extremely attractive. She's also physically attractive. The physical part gets my immediate attention. What's inside keeps me attentive.
Working with models has made it far easier to converse with women. I also share an office with a woman; we've been officemates for over 10 years. She's married and has 3 kids. I can compliment my officemate as well as probably one or two other women at work. That's it however.
"I love what you did with your hair!" That's a real comment I made this last week to a woman with whom I used to work a lot. Feet? You know fashion, you look at feet. Women have so many choices for shoes and clothing.
My officemate and I are supporting a project where we're looking at air traffic data, seeing how close fixed wing aircraft are operating near high altitude balloons. This next week we'll be talking about using a tool that looks at the closest point of approach between the balloons and aircraft.
My officemate and I also discuss fashion. We've talked about fashion and fashion photography at limits I would *never* discuss with anyone else at work. And yet it's just about the topics, nothing else. We support each other and our respective relationships.
When I see an attractive woman, I see it as a celebration of life. She takes care of herself, and likes herself well enough to look good. A sense of self-determination and intelligence adds to the attraction. "Attractive" isn't a size, however, nor is it an age. It isn't even about perfection. Real beauty transcends that.
Still, at work, there's no way I'm risking my job to say, "I love how you look!"
SOMETIMES IT'S JUST A SMILE
Sometimes I'll see an attractive woman, where "attractive" is as described above. Sometimes our eyes will meet, and we'll both smile at each other. It's an appreciative "The world is okay" kind of smile to say she looks attractive. It would be nice to say something sometimes, but so often that's just not possible. At work even smiles like that are limited, but it does happen occasionally.
YES I'M MARRIED
I wear a wedding ring. I'm not looking for a replacement for my wife, nor am I looking for "side benefits". I'm also not dead. I take care of myself, and figure if I look good to others I should still look good to my wife. I like women, I'm attracted to women, and I like looking at women who take care of themselves. I make no apologies for that.
I enjoy receiving compliments and giving them. I compliment women I don't know if something catches my attention. I don't compliment guys I don't know because I'm pretty sure that would come across as me hitting on them 99% of the time.
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...I am involved in groups and such and everyone has a spouse or is in a serious relationship. It's just a matter of there being less single people as you get older so therefore, less attention. And I also think to a degree when you are older people don't know if you are single or not too (since so many are paired up). I know I wonder that before I strike up a conversation or something (I find myself looking at hands for rings, but that will only tell you if they are married, they could still be in a serious relationship).
Excellent points! Regardless of locale or subculture, there comes a point in life by which most people are paired-up. This could be later for the coastal/progressive/professional set, but eventually even there it happens. Divorce is relatively uncommon. Most people who have the wherewithal to stay in shape, to earn a decent living, to pursue their careers and so forth, aren't going to be profoundly challenged with finding a mate.
When we're young, there's an implication of "looking", of being in the dating-market. Yes, it's still possible to cause offense, to misread cues, to blunder and to otherwise disrespect privacy. But we live in a milieu of singles interacting. Advance the clock, and these interactions become rarer. False-steps carry more severe consequences. Innocent compliments aren't so innocent anymore. Potential daters might indeed have more to offer, and might have decades of experience in public-speaking, in running meetings, in honing their social-skills in the world of business. But casual banter becomes more perilous. For a man in his 40s, to compliment the physical appearance of a woman in her 40s, is more perilous and more rife with complications, than had the two been 20 years younger. And this is very unfortunate, if it so happens that both the woman and the man are single-and-looking, and both are fit and attractive.
Last edited by ohio_peasant; 05-17-2015 at 03:33 PM..
I just saw a dude that I went to HS with on FB this morning. I didn't even recognize him! Sometimes I'll see men my age and say "wtf happened to that guy?" I work hard to eat right and stay in shape for my wife and like to think that I am holding my own having just turned 48.
As for the non-physical, I was definitely more confident and assured at 35 than 25 and even more so at 45. If I knew now what I knew then my life probably would have turned out much different but I'm not complaining.
I also believe that chemistry between two people is either there, or it isn't. You can help it along but if that spark isn't there, it ain't happening.
I think most people get more confident as they age, unless they experience some kind of abuse or world-rocking setback with their health or career. It comes from knowing yourself, knowing your good traits and qualities as well as your weak spots, and having experienced some of the ups and downs of life and gotten through them.
I'm glad a man here took my post in the spirit with which it was intended, and understood what I meant, because when I wrote it, I was feeling pretty dang fed up with the constant insinuations on this board that women suddenly shrivel up and turn ugly when they hit 40 but men somehow become these sex-magnet studs and by golly, then those women who rejected them will regret it! It doesn't work that way, no matter what the young and/or inexperienced on this forum want to believe.
The fact is that priorities change for both men and women as life goes on. One day, when the woman they love brings their child into the world, these lads who get on here talking about how "she'd better never gain 20 pounds or I'm kicking her to the curb" are going to look back and shake their heads at how utterly vapid and clueless they sound. Then 20 pounds and stretch marks aren't going to matter. And for those who don't plan on marrying or having kids, they may one day love a woman who gets ill or injured, or is faced with something life-threatening, and they'll just be grateful she makes it, even if it changes her body, leaves scars, etc.
It's so obvious to me who has never really loved a partner before. They sound like 15-year-olds trapped in men's bodies.
OK - I got a compliment this morning. I was taking my short morning walk (in shorts and tank top) and one of my grizzly-looking neighbor guys that I barely know hollered out of his car "your hard work is paying off!" (referring to my working out) I smiled and waved, and yes, it brightened my day.
And no, I don't "love him" now - lol. I shouldn't have put that in my title, but I was feeling a little moody when I wrote that post......I did appreciate his compliment.
Do yourself a favor: Get your self-esteem from yourself. That's why it's called self-esteem. You are giving other people way too much power over your sense of value.
It also speaks volumes of your marriage if you get such a lift from a guy yelling out a car window at you when, for all you know, he could be a child molester.
If you have problems with how your husband treats you at home and you feel like he doesn't appreciate you, you need to bring it up with him, because this business about getting kicks from strangers complimenting you is how infidelity starts. No, I'm not kidding. You shouldn't be seeking validation from men outside your marriage. You're ripe for some slimeball to come along and smooth-talk you into a fling that ends up giving you, and consequently your husband, herpes. If you love your husband and value your marriage, you will tell him what your needs are so that you can work on them together, and not get a cheap thrill from people yelling at you from cars.
I think most people get more confident as they age, unless they experience some kind of abuse or world-rocking setback with their health or career. It comes from knowing yourself, knowing your good traits and qualities as well as your weak spots, and having experienced some of the ups and downs of life and gotten through them.
I'm glad a man here took my post in the spirit with which it was intended, and understood what I meant, because when I wrote it, I was feeling pretty dang fed up with the constant insinuations on this board that women suddenly shrivel up and turn ugly when they hit 40 but men somehow become these sex-magnet studs and by golly, then those women who rejected them will regret it! It doesn't work that way, no matter what the young and/or inexperienced on this forum want to believe.
The fact is that priorities change for both men and women as life goes on. One day, when the woman they love brings their child into the world, these lads who get on here talking about how "she'd better never gain 20 pounds or I'm kicking her to the curb" are going to look back and shake their heads at how utterly vapid and clueless they sound. Then 20 pounds and stretch marks aren't going to matter. And for those who don't plan on marrying or having kids, they may one day love a woman who gets ill or injured, or is faced with something life-threatening, and they'll just be grateful she makes it, even if it changes her body, leaves scars, etc.
It's so obvious to me who has never really loved a partner before. They sound like 15-year-olds trapped in men's bodies.
This.
I have a feeling dating will be a lot easier for me in my mid to late 20's and on. It was absolutely brutal in my teens and early 20's (mostly cause of my experiences in middle and high school).
Do yourself a favor: Get your self-esteem from yourself. That's why it's called self-esteem. You are giving other people way too much power over your sense of value.
It also speaks volumes of your marriage if you get such a lift from a guy yelling out a car window at you when, for all you know, he could be a child molester.
If you have problems with how your husband treats you at home and you feel like he doesn't appreciate you, you need to bring it up with him, because this business about getting kicks from strangers complimenting you is how infidelity starts. No, I'm not kidding. You shouldn't be seeking validation from men outside your marriage. You're ripe for some slimeball to come along and smooth-talk you into a fling that ends up giving you, and consequently your husband, herpes. If you love your husband and value your marriage, you will tell him what your needs are so that you can work on them together, and not get a cheap thrill from people yelling at you from cars.
Honey, you really need to take a chill pill..... I have a feeling you are projecting your own issues...
Honey, you really need to take a chill pill..... I have a feeling you are projecting your own issues...
Honey, I'm not the one coming to a message board talking about feeling "starved to feel attractive again," how I would be "in love" if someone gave me a genuine compliment, and how "I don't even get much feedback from my husband anymore."
I also don't go around complimenting men and then complaining that I "don't get much in return." Compliments are meant for others, not to get something back for oneself. Perhaps these men are sensing insincerity and a need for attention and aren't keen on feeding it. Your reaction to my post suggests a tweaked ego right there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by gypsychic
OK, I know my title is a bit extreme, but seriously, I feel a bit frustated. There have been threads in other areas about why don't guys give compliments more often (to women) I totally understand about the workplace and all.... being possibly misconstrued..... but you know what, I feel starved sometimes to feel attractive again. I think if a guy gave me a genuine compliment I would be in love. I don't even get much feedback from my husband anymore. I know I am older now, but I take care of myself, have a decent figure and muscle tone, do belly dancing and other activities. I give men compliments all the time, but don't get much in return..... I guess they don't think I am attractive, or at least that is the conclusion I come to. If guys only knew how a genuine compliment could make a woman's day maybe they would do it more often.
All of this sounds like either a desperate housewife or an insecure teenage girl who needs boys to tell her how pretty she is to feel good about herself. Does your husband know you get off on "grizzly" men yelling at you from cars? How does that grizzly man even know you've been doing all of that "hard work?"
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I have a feeling you are projecting your own issues...
