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Well I agree with you and it looks like that I will have to call off the engagement. Because I don't know her sister as much as my fiancé does. And it could be a cloudy future if I cross the line and marry her. I will have to tell her that in an appropriate manner that I don't see a future with her because she is letting her sister influence her too much and that she can't think for herself
Lilac110. You are the first mature and best person that gave a totally good explainiation😀
That is the kind of advise that I was looking for. I wish that everyone else on here who gave immature replied would listen to you. Cheers to you👍
Thanks. Well, three older sisters. I cannot imagine ever asking them if they were sure they wanted to marry someone. My take on this is even if I don't particularly like the guy, I'm not the one marrying him, and if he makes my sister happy, that's all that matters.
Now if she complains about him to me, that's another story. And I mean really complains, either a lot, or about things like disrespectful behavior or things like drinking too much, and not "for the love of all that is holy I wish he would stop dumping all of his receipts and pocket lint onto the coffee table when he comes home, drives me nuts."
But for the most part, good rule of thumb is I'm not in their relationship. It's all I can do to manage my own life. I'm not going to worry about the major life decisions they make in theirs, blood relation or not.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve wind far
Well I agree with you and it looks like that I will have to call off the engagement. Because I don't know her sister as much as my fiancé does. And it could be a cloudy future if I cross the line and marry her. I will have to tell her that in an appropriate manner that I don't see a future with her because she is letting her sister influence her too much and that she can't think for herself
That is very common but usual the other person does not hear about it. I think the divorce rate alone shows many not take that question seriously enough. Marriage needs to be taken as one of the most serious decisions in life;IMO. Your post makes me wander about you really :OP.
Well I agree with you and it looks like that I will have to call off the engagement. Because I don't know her sister as much as my fiancé does. And it could be a cloudy future if I cross the line and marry her. I will have to tell her that in an appropriate manner that I don't see a future with her because she is letting her sister influence her too much and that she can't think for herself
Is she?
Again, has she called off the wedding because her sister questioned if she was with the right person?
If she has decided to proceed with her plan to marry you, for whatever reason, it would appear that her sister's doubts are, in fact, NOT influencing her that much. Going to one's siblings for advice (or having it offered in an unsolicited manner) does not necessarily mean that the advice is ultimately heeded. Close as my sister and I are, there are things I'd take her advice on, and things I wouldn't, at my own discretion...same as advice from anybody else...take what makes sense to me into consideration, and disregard what I judge as off-base.
By constantly repeating that your fiancé "can't think for herself" (BTW, is this a general trait of hers that you've noted all along? It seems like if she can't think for herself, truly, it would have presented issues before now), it would seem that she is in agreement with her sister's opinion that you may not be the right person for her. But if that were the case, wouldn't she have already called things off? Why would it come down to you posting on a messageboard contemplating calling things off on your end? It seems to me that if she WERE truly incapable of thinking for herself, and were simply buying into her sister's doubts about this union, she'd have already backed out, right?
Well, maybe she picked up on the OP's insecurity and controlling nature displayed in this thread and was concerned? Nowhere did the OP indicate that his fiancee changed her mind because her sister asked if she was sure.
The funny thing is, everyone has different relationships with their family, which colors how they respond to the relationships others have with their families. Differences in family culture are like any other culture difference.
For instance, my family dynamic with my siblings could not possibly be more different than what you describe with yours. Consequently, I absolutely value their advice and perspective, seek it out, and appreciate it. Our dynamic is that we each have one another's best interests at heart, and know one another extremely well. I trust their perspectives, and their input is valid, to me. Ditto for my parents.
Some people may have a problem with that (my spouse does not). Those who do probably would be well-served not to enter into a relationship with me, because it would likely absolutely rub them the wrong way, and wouldn't ever be anything they could understand, identify with, or accept. I.e., big point of incompatibility that would only cause problems.
OP, if your fiancé is very close to her sister, as you say, and she values her sister's perspective greatly, that is not something that is going to change. You can accept it, or you can decide that doesn't work for you and move on.
That doesn't change the fact that a romantic relationship is between the two people in it. No one else should be involved or question it unless there is evidence of something heinous going on.
When you marry, you marry your spouse. That's the person you live with day in and day out. No one else can know the true dynamics of what goes on between you, and no one else knows what goes on behind closed doors. Nor should they, in my opinion. Cleave unto and all of that happy hooey.
It's interesting to me that so many people here are saying what you're saying, but are also the same people who turn around and say not to involve other people in their relationships. "If you have a problem with your spouse, you should talk to your spouse about it" is a common bit of advice here. I would be quite chapped if someone I dated or married discussed our relationship or marriage with his family. Like it or not, if there is so much as a hint of trouble, that pits the family against the spouse.
But even if you do have concerns and seek advice, do you then go back to your hub and say, "Well, I talked this over with my sister and she said..." I doubt it. The finacee should have kept her mouth shut about her sister asking. The fact that she is relaying things back and forth like this does not bode well for her ability to set and keep boundaries.
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