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There is really no question to this post, I've been thinking a great deal and wanted to express how I was feeling. I'm in need of some helpful and uplifting support. I'm 22 and will be 23 soon. I started "dating" when I went away to college at 18. High school was very hard for me. I dealt with anxiety disorders, my own self esteem issues and the absence of my father who was an alcoholic. So for me- dating and meeting boys was the last thing that was important to me. However, when college came, I already felt behind as I never had a boyfriend and only kissed one boy.
In college, I was overwhelmed with all the boys there. I finally had my braces off (which added a little more confidence, but not a lot) and felt like a different person. I'm a pretty girl so I get a lot of attention from guys, but at 18- I had no idea what I was doing. I was falling for the wrong guys- not interested in the ones who others deemed "good" or right for me. I would hookup with guys (mostly makeouts) and meet/talk to them, but never seemed to meet the right one that wanted an actual ordinary/normal committed relationship.
Besides my hookups (I wasn't someone who slept with anyone. It was very innocent makeouts and a little further) and guys I've talked to or hung out with a few times::I've really only dated 4 guys since I was 18. Three of them lasted 3 months each. One on/off for a year, but we were off more than on. None had titles, we were never "official," more just together. We would hangout and were exclusive in only seeing one another. We knew each other's friends and so forth, but it wouldn't last or didn't get beyond us meeting families. We obvious didn't have any anniversaries, or celebrated any holidays or things like that together. Again because it didn't become any more serious than it was and lasted only a little while. It was mostly these casual relationships. So as much as I've dated and have had these tiny relationships, I feel as though I still haven't experienced what it's like to have an actual real, committed boyfriend/relationship. One with dates and meeting each other's families. One that I can actually introduce the guy I'm seeing to others as my "boyfriend."
It's to the point that people in my family (older adults-cousins, aunts, uncles) and some other people I'm close with assume I've never dated anyone. That question how someone as pretty and nice as me doesn't have a boyfriend right now (or wonder If I have ever been with any guy.) I've always been private about this area in my life. It's not that I wanted to hide someone I was seeing, but since it wasn't serious or didn't last long, I never had the chance to introduce them to certain people in my life.
I have enough self esteem issues and boy problems to feel even more upset because I'm being looked at by those close to me as something is wrong. I would love to finally meet someone and have that ordinary type of relationship and be able to share them with everyone. Until then, I don't know how to feel or what to think. No one knows what I've been through in terms of dating and who I've met and why things didn't go the right away. It's frustrating though when others assume things about me and form assumptions when I am dealing with the struggles of my own self and hoping to meet a good person one of these days.
There is really no question to this post, I've been thinking a great deal and wanted to express how I was feeling. I'm in need of some helpful and uplifting support. I'm 22 and will be 23 soon. I started "dating" when I went away to college at 18. High school was very hard for me. I dealt with anxiety disorders, my own self esteem issues and the absence of my father who was an alcoholic. So for me- dating and meeting boys was the last thing that was important to me. However, when college came, I already felt behind as I never had a boyfriend and only kissed one boy.
In college, I was overwhelmed with all the boys there. I finally had my braces off (which added a little more confidence, but not a lot) and felt like a different person. I'm a pretty girl so I get a lot of attention from guys, but at 18- I had no idea what I was doing. I was falling for the wrong guys- not interested in the ones who others deemed "good" or right for me. I would hookup with guys (mostly makeouts) and meet/talk to them, but never seemed to meet the right one that wanted an actual ordinary/normal committed relationship.
Besides my hookups (I wasn't someone who slept with anyone. It was very innocent makeouts and a little further) and guys I've talked to or hung out with a few times::I've really only dated 4 guys since I was 18. Three of them lasted 3 months each. One on/off for a year, but we were off more than on. None had titles, we were never "official," more just together. We would hangout and were exclusive in only seeing one another. We knew each other's friends and so forth, but it wouldn't last or didn't get beyond us meeting families. We obvious didn't have any anniversaries, or celebrated any holidays or things like that together. Again because it didn't become any more serious than it was and lasted only a little while. It was mostly these casual relationships. So as much as I've dated and have had these tiny relationships, I feel as though I still haven't experienced what it's like to have an actual real, committed boyfriend/relationship. One with dates and meeting each other's families. One that I can actually introduce the guy I'm seeing to others as my "boyfriend."
It's to the point that people in my family (older adults-cousins, aunts, uncles) and some other people I'm close with assume I've never dated anyone. That question how someone as pretty and nice as me doesn't have a boyfriend right now (or wonder If I have ever been with any guy.) I've always been private about this area in my life. It's not that I wanted to hide someone I was seeing, but since it wasn't serious or didn't last long, I never had the chance to introduce them to certain people in my life.
I have enough self esteem issues and boy problems to feel even more upset because I'm being looked at by those close to me as something is wrong. I would love to finally meet someone and have that ordinary type of relationship and be able to share them with everyone. Until then, I don't know how to feel or what to think. No one knows what I've been through in terms of dating and who I've met and why things didn't go the right away. It's frustrating though when others assume things about me and form assumptions when I am dealing with the struggles of my own self and hoping to meet a good person one of these days.
Time to take a break and work on yourself. When you feel confident again, you will have less problems finding the right person to love...
Just don't rush things, don't be desperate - you are still very young.
OP u have nothing to fear and u should feel good and confident about urself. Nothing is wrong with u. Part of what ur doing is comparing ur life with others. Everyone is on a different path and journey through life.
Time to take a break and work on yourself. When you feel confident again, you will have less problems finding the right person to love...
Just don't rush things, don't be desperate - you are still very young.
^^^This.
There's keeping things private versus being completely secretive. You can tell your family you've dated but there's been nothing serious so far, and leave it at that.
No one knows what I've been through in terms of dating and who I've met and why things didn't go the right away. It's frustrating though when others assume things about me and form assumptions when I am dealing with the struggles of my own self and hoping to meet a good person one of these days.
Just keep telling yourself this ^^^.
You are JUST getting started. Don't let other people make you think you need to conform to THEIR idea of what your life should look like.
It's YOUR life. Let yourself grow into it. I agree with elnina that you should relax and work on yourself for a while. Let yourself mature, and seek counseling if you want. Your school probably has a free counseling center.
OP u have nothing to fear and u should feel good and confident about urself. Nothing is wrong with u. Part of what ur doing is comparing ur life with others. Everyone is on a different path and journey through life.
If it was that easy, we'd all feel great when we get up in the morning...right? Comparisons are fine to a point. One morning late in my freshman year of college, I thought to myself, "Geez, I have dropped more classes than I have finished. Maybe I should do something about that, ya' know?" I did, but you have to have one of those moments where your toosh gets pretty warm and not everyone can just turn it on on their own. It's those stupid comparisons such as "Can I file bankruptcy as much as Donald Trump and keep that kind of toupee on my head?" that are pointless.
OP, seek help. I'm sure there are a lot of psych majors out there twiddling their thumbs who would be glad to do just that for you.
Sweetheart, you don't have to worry about anything. Know how I know? Because you already spelled out your problem. Your absentee, alcoholic dad. You're probably attracted to a certain kind of guy who feels unobtainable, and/or you're worried about someone else letting you down/breaking your heart the same way he did.
The reason I said you don't have anything to worry about is because you're aware of the seeds of your problem. That's the first step. You probably should start opening to someone (therapist) about your anxieties and worries. When you make peace with things in your life, the boy stuff will work itself out.
thank you so much for your replies. I've been seeing a therapist for the last 3 years. It's made a big difference in my life. Unfortunately, my anxiety disorders are something that will always be a part of me. No therapist and medication (which I'm currently on) will cure it completely. I've dealt with it my whole life and it will alway be there and affect every inch of my life including relationships. I've learned to still put myself out there and not become defeated, but to take breaks whenever I need to.
My last tiny relationship was back in september and ended in december. In the last 5 months, I got a new job (I had graduated college last year) and began applying to places to volunteer this summer. I continued with my therapist and see her weekly since january.
I actually met a new guy recently. He's unlike anyone I've met before. I'm taking it very slow and trying to not consume my every thought with him and work through it all with my therapist. I was thinking of my past a lot recently as I've had at least a handful of people ask me if I have a boyfriend..one even said she never thought I had been on a date before. It made me feel awful. I explained I'm private and things were never really serious..so I at least spoke up honestly.
I mean I know in my heart I have good experiences even if they were short-lived or not "official." I've been in love before, have been loved in return, have experienced s*x and intimacy, have shared my passions and deep thoughts. Which all sounds corny, but I know that's what makes them real. Even if many other people don't know of it all.
It's hard to be judged all the time, especially by those I'm close to. It hurts a great deal
Sweetheart, you don't have to worry about anything. Know how I know? Because you already spelled out your problem. Your absentee, alcoholic dad. You're probably attracted to a certain kind of guy who feels unobtainable, and/or you're worried about someone else letting you down/breaking your heart the same way he did.
The reason I said you don't have anything to worry about is because you're aware of the seeds of your problem. That's the first step. You probably should start opening to someone (therapist) about your anxieties and worries. When you make peace with things in your life, the boy stuff will work itself out.
Yes, you're completely right. I finally came to terms with that not too long ago. I couldn't figure out how I was alway attracted to a certain type of person and why I attracted them.
It's a big discussion always in my therapy sessions. However, it still plays a part with me. I sometimes still feel very damaged because of it all
I've had at least a handful of people ask me if I have a boyfriend..one even said she never thought I had been on a date before.
I assume your therapist has talked about boundaries.
When people say these kinds of judgy things, call them on it...in a reasonable manner.
"Why would you think that?"
Also learn to employ humor to disarm nosy relatives:
"You'll be the first to know when I am engaged, Grandma!" Then change the subject.
As long as YOU know the reasons your life is the way it is, it will lessen the pain of thoughtless comments. Because they won't have any meaning to you since you know the truth.
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