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Some people made comments in regards to sex. Sex became less of a priority to me than the quality of our time spent together as husband and wife. When I see couples in public holding hands, enjoying stimulating conversation, or going on dinner/movie night, I get a longing to want to do the same thing with my wife. I've had many conversation with my wife on the need for us to reconnect, but this topic usually fell on deaf ears! Instead she feels those needs are secondary over the needs of our son.
One could argue I may have not done enough, but in rebuttal, I would counter the extra effort I gave failed to meet her expectation or she showed no gratitude or appreciation. Going on a date with my co-worker didn't help our marital problems, but I also recognize what I was missing the most; a woman's companionship, not the sex. If my wife would have put half the energy and effort into our marriage as she did with our son, work, household duties (particularly after her acknowledgement of my extra contribution), I think it would have made a difference in our failing marriage.
When I started this thread, I said "Without writing a novel and pointing the finger at who's at fault..." Truly it would be a novel, but that's not why I started this thread. The more I read various opinions on my situation (I really appreciate them), I starting to have a better clarity why our marriage failed. It seems nothing more I could have done would have stop us from falling off that cliff. Who's fault is it, you ask me or her, than you know what that answer is. But pointing fingers doesn't help a marriage in crisis.
After reading similar situations like mine, I starting to believe our marriage was destine to encounter such stresses that can lead to separation/divorce. But what can be done to avoid headed for that cliff? Communication is the obvious answer, but just like the word entails, its takes two for communication to be truly effective. Unfortunately we fail miserably and now divorce is inevitable.
I wonder if, when guys are trying to save their marriage, do they try to do anything OTHER than ask their wives for sex? That seems to be what all the guys say - I asked and asked and after getting rejected, then I stopped. Did you try to figure out WHY you were being rejected? Was she exhausted? Mad that she felt she was doing "it all"? Did you step in or step up and do more than try to initiate sex (and maybe take out the trash and mow the yard once a week)? I'm not saying that's your case, OP - it just seems these all come down to sex and no details on any other issue.
It's pretty hard to get answers from someone who doesn't treat issues as actual problems.
IE: that isn't MY problem so I don't/won't deal with it.
"I" do t feel the same way so i won't accept that's how you feel.
Out of the 4 marriages I have seen fail that where just like the OP's in nature and was close enough to understand both sides of each argument as to why it failed.
Both said had felt as though their was just no point in bringing issues up anymore becuase each always came away feeling rejected as people, not just lovers.
Everyone wanted to argue "sides" instead of accepting each other's grievances and mock past them to start working on resolutions
Once you start viewing issues between the two of you as bad and good and right and wrong...you're already on the path to failure.
I mean once your realtionship isn't important to you becuase you haven't kept it important...what does one expect?
There has to be a desire along with actions if something you want is to be held on to.
Last edited by rego00123; 06-07-2015 at 01:29 AM..
I sounds like only one of you is invested in trying to work through the problems. Either her anger and resentment are that deep, or she simply doesn't care anymore. I don't think you mentioned it, but does she want a divorce too, or does she want to co-exist in the same household?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Av8torude
Some people made comments in regards to sex. Sex became less of a priority to me than the quality of our time spent together as husband and wife. When I see couples in public holding hands, enjoying stimulating conversation, or going on dinner/movie night, I get a longing to want to do the same thing with my wife. I've had many conversation with my wife on the need for us to reconnect, but this topic usually fell on deaf ears! Instead she feels those needs are secondary over the needs of our son.
One could argue I may have not done enough, but in rebuttal, I would counter the extra effort I gave failed to meet her expectation or she showed no gratitude or appreciation. Going on a date with my co-worker didn't help our marital problems, but I also recognize what I was missing the most; a woman's companionship, not the sex. If my wife would have put half the energy and effort into our marriage as she did with our son, work, household duties (particularly after her acknowledgement of my extra contribution), I think it would have made a difference in our failing marriage.
When I started this thread, I said "Without writing a novel and pointing the finger at who's at fault..." Truly it would be a novel, but that's not why I started this thread. The more I read various opinions on my situation (I really appreciate them), I starting to have a better clarity why our marriage failed. It seems nothing more I could have done would have stop us from falling off that cliff. Who's fault is it, you ask me or her, than you know what that answer is. But pointing fingers doesn't help a marriage in crisis.
After reading similar situations like mine, I starting to believe our marriage was destine to encounter such stresses that can lead to separation/divorce. But what can be done to avoid headed for that cliff? Communication is the obvious answer, but just like the word entails, its takes two for communication to be truly effective. Unfortunately we fail miserably and now divorce is inevitable.
Some people made comments in regards to sex. Sex became less of a priority to me than the quality of our time spent together as husband and wife. When I see couples in public holding hands, enjoying stimulating conversation, or going on dinner/movie night, I get a longing to want to do the same thing with my wife. I've had many conversation with my wife on the need for us to reconnect, but this topic usually fell on deaf ears! Instead she feels those needs are secondary over the needs of our son.
Communication is the obvious answer, but just like the word entails, its takes two for communication to be truly effective. Unfortunately we fail miserably and now divorce is inevitable.
One of the most effective yet seldom things done by couples it to plan semi-regular weekend out of town trips. Just get a hotel, enjoy the city, communicate and have sex. Forget the laundry, forget work and the kids.
Yes, it's hard to do with kids but very important to maintain a good relationship.
Av8 have you tried a 3 day weekend out of the house and no kid? Try it (if not too late). It's hard to communicate with so many distractions.
OP: another thought popped into my head, regarding your son. A friend of mine got divorced about 5 years ago, and prior to that his ex-wife had really done a number bad-mouthing him to their daughters; since she was their primary caregiver, they of course sided with the mother. But ironically, even after she moved them out of state, that divorce was the best thing that happened to his relationship with his girls. At first their visits were very strained, but having that time with them away from their mother's influence, they got to see that (for all his faults that he owned up to) he was not the villain that they were led to believe he was. Kids are smart, and once they are out of the war zone and see that only one parent is bashing the other, they start to see for themselves whats what.
OP: another thought popped into my head, regarding your son. A friend of mine got divorced about 5 years ago, and prior to that his ex-wife had really done a number bad-mouthing him to their daughters; since she was their primary caregiver, they of course sided with the mother. But ironically, even after she moved them out of state, that divorce was the best thing that happened to his relationship with his girls. At first their visits were very strained, but having that time with them away from their mother's influence, they got to see that (for all his faults that he owned up to) he was not the villain that they were led to believe he was. Kids are smart, and once they are out of the war zone and see that only one parent is bashing the other, they start to see for themselves whats what.
And if they don't see it when they are children, they will see it as adults. My sister's ex-husband learned this the hard way.
Ok, hate when DH tells me "tell me what YOU want done around the house" where normally I will tell, the thought in my head is "do you not see it?!" Clean a floor, a shower...pick something and clean it. He says make me a list, I tell him make your own list. I keep lists of sales, shopping lists, etc. you do your own.
That doesn't change that she stopped trying on her part of the relationship. That make is difficult to fix things.
Oh, yes. I'm over that list stuff. When women make "honey-do" lists or tell their husbands what needs to be done, these very same women are often referred to as "domineering," "ball-breakers," "bossy," and "nags," maybe not by their husbands (at least in their presence), but by those around them. They don't stop to consider that it's actually pretty lame for a grown man to need to be told what to do. When people ask me why I don't have any children, I say, "I was married to one."
Quote:
Originally Posted by usayit
We then broke down the chores and assigned them. These are obvious daily chores. Example..I am responsible for the kitchen (as I mentioned before) because honestly I don't mind doing the dishes and I cook a lot. My wife is responsible for the laundry because she is so very particular about how it is done. We also agreed that I don't tell her how to do her chores and vice versa. We agreed to talk about expectations... keep them realistic.
{snip}
For every group of people. Group can be a couple/family. There really needs to be someone who can take charge of the household. Its kinda like the cop directing traffic at a busy intersection.
Usayit, your method only works with responsible people. My ex-hub was okay with being told what needed to be done, but he decided that the "when" was up to him, and then just not do it until he had been reminded two, three, four times, or I got sick of having it not done and did it myself. Finally, I just quit entirely and took care of only myself, ie., when I did laundry, I did only my clothes. You want to be a clutterbug slob? Don't ask me where anything is. You don't want to put your dishes in the dishwasher? Don't complain when things start to smell or attract bugs. You don't want to vacuum? Keep your mouth shut when you step on seed hulls from the bird with your bare feet.
I stopped helping my ex-SO, too. When I went over there, if the sink was full of dishes, I would take the clean dishes out of the dishwasher and load up the dishes in the sink before I started cooking. It wasn't long before the sink was filled with dishes every time I went over there. He just figured he'd let them pile up for several days and when I came over, I'd take care of it. Finally I would just cook and say, "There's no room in the sink to put these dirty pots in there to soak, so I'm leaving them on the stove. I don't mind doing you the favor once in a while, but this is your house and your mess and I feel like you're taking advantage of my kindness. I'm your girlfriend, not your maid."
Same thing with his basement. When he had his bathroom remodeled in 2012, he rented a dumpster to dispose of the old floor, tub, and fixtures, etc. So we took a whole day to try to clear out some of the stuff he hoarded in his basement, too, just empty boxes and garbage that had been there from his prior girlfriend, who lived there with him in 2006. A few months later, you couldn't get through there again. After Sandy, I started helping him with his yard. Then he started talking to his neighbor. After 10 minutes I stopped doing the work and went inside the house. He was out there talking to the guy for nearly an hour, and was surprised I went inside and didn't continue clearing debris.
I really don't know how on earth he's ever going to have a wife and family. His fiancee/wife must be an unholy slob, too.
Stuff like this reminds me of how lucky I am. I have a hot piece of tail who cooks on the weekends, is a hands-on dad, and even throws on a load of dishes and laundry if I get backed up. Much to his mother's chagrin.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
Oh, yes. I'm over that list stuff. When women make "honey-do" lists or tell their husbands what needs to be done, these very same women are often referred to as "domineering," "ball-breakers," "bossy," and "nags," maybe not by their husbands (at least in their presence), but by those around them. They don't stop to consider that it's actually pretty lame for a grown man to need to be told what to do. When people ask me why I don't have any children, I say, "I was married to one."
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