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You've been married 39 years and you don't know the man yet?
1. He is not good at expressing his feelings. That's not going to change. 2. He has feelings. Let him handle them in his own way. Some people don't want to talk about it. Just because you do, and because Psychologists think you should, doesn't mean everyone should. Let him handle his grief and losses in his own way. Eventually, like most people he'll get over it. Be supportive, give him a hug, make him a nice meal. Do some things he likes to do, that would probably be more appreciated than anything, especially nagging him about "talking about his feelings".
3. YOu suggested that he quit his job. Are you unaware that retirement is very stressful from some people, and many men are like this. Are you trying to kill him? He obviously deals with his feelings by working, which takes his mind off the problem, the pain, hurt whatever he's feeling. Just support him and let him deal with his feelings his own way.
I was talking to a dentist the other day, and he made a very wise observation, based on many years of practice. There are no text book cases. Every person is different and has to be treated as a special case. You're husband is also a unique person, so you can't treat him as a text book case. Forget the books that claim they're the expert to help everyone over their problems. God has given him to you in marriage to love and charish. That's probably the vow you took. So just do it, and I bet he'll be better eventually. It takes time.
We have similar guys - mine is also the strong, silent type. The person I quoted above gave you good advice. I have a hard time with the way mine deals sometimes but this is the guy I love. I always try to demonstrate (as opposed to saying them as actions speak louder than words) my feelings with concrete examples - a special meal of his favorite things, just doing things that make him feel really good - just be especially sweet and loving to him and give him time. . .
OP: I am so sorry for all your losses. It's truly a tragedy & for so many deaths to occur so close to one another surely takes a toll on everyone in the family. I would take to heart the postings of rbohm, Lilac110, augiedogie, NorthShoreGrrl & especially segment.
Having said that, to be denied a close intimate relationship with THE one you love, can result in feeling sad, alone, bewildered, unloved, starved for human closeness & can lead to serious depression. To see his anger taken out on the children, is the worst. Having just lost a child, one would think he would value his other children enough not to behave that way. I had a husband like that myself. In the end, he did share his intimate thoughts & feelings... just not with me. He had been having an affair(s) for years. I'm not saying this is your case, just something else for you to consider in order to resolve feeling rejected by him.
OP: I am so sorry for all your losses. It's truly a tragedy & for so many deaths to occur so close to one another surely takes a toll on everyone in the family. I would take to heart the postings of rbohm, Lilac110, augiedogie, NorthShoreGrrl & especially segment.
Having said that, to be denied a close intimate relationship with THE one you love, can result in feeling sad, alone, bewildered, unloved, starved for human closeness & can lead to serious depression. To see his anger taken out on the children, is the worst. Having just lost a child, one would think he would value his other children enough not to behave that way. I had a husband like that myself. In the end, he did share his intimate thoughts & feelings... just not with me. He had been having an affair(s) for years. I'm not saying this is your case, just something else for you to consider in order to resolve feeling rejected by him.
So true (for me as well) and you phrase this so well . .
I finally managed to have a conversation with him! I told him I know his grief must be beyond words but that I just want to help him through this difficult time. I also said I feel like he should trust me more when it comes to his feelings and his issues because, after all, we've been together for almost 4 decades.
Amazingly, he agreed. He said I've been his strength and support for all these years and he regrets not showing his gratitude towards me. I said I support him because I love him, nothing else. You could see the sadness has taken a toll on him, he looked especially upset.
I encouraged him to take up sports again (he put exercise on hold because he was visiting his mother, his daughter and his sister throughout the week) and he went swimming this week. It really helps to deal with the stress. He went to watch a game with one of our sons this afternoon...they hadn't been out together for a long time.
Apart from that, he has dedicated himself to our grandchildren, especially his daughter's sons who need a lot of support. He picks them up from school, brings them around, helps them with homework, etc. You can see he's the happiest when he's with our grandkids.
I think he'll manage to get back on his feet again, even if you never get over the death a child. I caught him playing with a head ribbon his daughter used as a kid the other day...it broke my heart, such a sad picture.
Sounds to me like his anger is further isolating himself in a destructive manner. Loosing a child is absolutely one of the worst things a parent can go through.... He's not handling it properly and his anger just might be part of the reason.
I try to do little things for him, a back massage, his favourite dessert, etc. I do have to say again that he's not aggressive towards me (I would never tolerate it), he just unloads his anger regarding other things when I'm around.
Could you possibly ask him to go away for a few days with you, alone?
Sounds like he needs to stop long enough to allow himself to grieve.
A lot of people just keep pushing, and don't allow themselves time for anything else.
Sounds like he needs to take time for himself and for you. Good luck!
Yes, he's planning to take a few days off from work in 2 weeks and we'll go some place so we can relax together and he can get distracted from the daily routine.
Glad things are looking better. Sorry for your losses.
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