Confused, worried, and upset (dates, wife, boyfriend, marry)

[Profhh1964]

Hello everyone,
Before I start, I'd like to paraphrase this post by saying that I love my fiancée more than anything, and that her happiness comes before anything in my life.
That being said, her behaviour lately has really started confusing and upsetting me. We've been together for about three years, and in the beginning everything was perfect (of course).
Lately, though, she's almost always unhappy or distant, or just plain ol' casual (at best). Recently it's always about how she feels, and little to no concern about my feelings. Before you all pounce on me to denounce me as an egotistic jerk, let me just say that for all of our relationship I've tried to be a model boyfriend/fiancé/future husband. Small gestures of love and appreciation, daily foot rubs after work, giving her space when she needs it, basically, everything I've ever read that makes a guy "the one". I'm not perfect, of course, but I try as hard as I can.
Recently (for the past 3 months or so), though, she's been a lot less "lovey dovey". Sex and cuddling have become pretty rare events (and 99.99% of the time I'm the one initiating). And worst of all, even sex itself has become something that seems she feels she has to get done (long gone is the charming, sexiness she used to have "way back when"), and when I want to try new things in bed, she just tells me that she doesn't feel like it. Affectionate gestures from her part have gone down sharply, and instead of rushing to make things better when she's pissed off (at things in her life, not me specifically), I dread talking to her, because I know she's going to get upset at me for trying to console her, and she's going to dump all her frustration on me.
And just in general, she does things that make me feel like spending "couple time" with me isn't really one of her priorities (I'm not clingy, but when I plan a date day for us, tell her about it, she makes plans to hang out with her friends).
I'm honestly confused, because when she sees that I'm really upset, she eventually does something to show me she loves me (and occasionally she does these things even when I'm not upset, but it's kinda rare).
Is this normal? In my mind this is the girl I'm going to grow old with (and I'm completely sure she feels the same, despite her actions). Simply put, she seems to have grown complacent about our relationship.
I've tried to talk to her about these things, but somehow she always turns it around and I end up having to apologize for my unhappiness.
Any advice? (And please, don't just say things like "just dump her". I want to fix it and make this relationship work, wit all my heart)

[dejaentendu19]

This is a bad relationship in the making. If you two can't recognize and handle your problem before marriage, how do you hope to do it after all the real problems hit? If you can't talk to your girl like she is your friend you will fail.

[Profhh1964]

My mother in law (or future mother in law) tells me that she has to learn to appreciate our relationship, and that I have to "teach" her to value it. But like I told her, I don't want teach her anything (like I'm some sort of chauvinistic 50s husband who "trains" his wife).

[ScarletG]

You can't make it work with someone that doesn't want bottom work.

Have you brought up these concerns with her.....and not her mother?

[BobCaldwell]

You'll never do this, but I'd advise you to cut off all contact, ignore calls and texts. When you finally DO respond, tell her what you've told us--verbatim, even--and see where it goes.

She sounds bored with the comfort of this relationship and needs a wake up call. It's also a bit disturbing that you feel you might be viewed as an 'egotistical jerk' simply because you feel love is not being reciprocated. Your feelings matter, it's not all about 'save the princess'. She's taking you for granted and needs to be shown that you value yourself more than that.

[ellie]

You could have a conversation with her about it, but it's a little more complicated than that.

You're right, it sounds like she's taking the relationship for granted. She may be having trouble articulating how she's feeling. Maybe she's having second thoughts? You have to be prepared for the relationship to unravel if she wants out. Hopefully that's not the case.

She may be showing her true colors. She might be spoiled, thoughtless, and immature. She may have no clue about what it takes to maintain a relationship as a mature woman now that the initial excitement has died down.

Your mom is right, you might have to express how you feel about her lack of reciprocation and why that is so important to the health and maintenance of every relationship.

Explain it to her. Don't apologize for it.

[funymann]

Originally Posted by Profhh1964

My mother in law (or future mother in law) tells me that she has to learn to appreciate our relationship, and that I have to "teach" her to value it. But like I told her, I don't want teach her anything (like I'm some sort of chauvinistic 50s husband who "trains" his wife).

Why don't you listen to the one who knows her the best?

It's obvious mom is telling you that her daughter is spoiled by you and possibly others to the point where she doesn't appreciate things.

Call off the wedding. Tell her it's not working out and leave.

Now, you have to chain up that big heart of yours for a while until her mom talks to her about you after the breakup. You stay put. Let mom tell her what a dope she is for letting you get away.

If you can distant yourself for a few weeks and possibly one month (as a goal) to see if she can get her ****e together by moms coaching and your absence it may work.

Honestly you have to nip this in the bud now! She wants you to do everything. In the future you will raise your kids alone while she sits around. She will possibly be a couch potato in your future.

Try these before you marry her. She sounds either depressed, spoiled or immature.

[YAZ]

Oh man.....

You're in BIG trouble, and here's why:

You planned dates and let her know; she reacts and makes plans elsewhere.

This is a big deal. Because I've been there.

My ex-wife did this kind of stuff for the last three years of our marriage.

It was HELL.

I don't know you two or all of the dynamics in your relationship, and I'm taking your words as though you're telling the ABSOLUTE truth.

You have two options:

1. Discuss her behavior directly with her, and her alone. Voice your concern in a gentlemanly kind of way. No ultimatums; that's b.s. YOU should be numero uno in her life right now.... if'n Y'all have plans to get hitched.

2. Wait. The next time that she cancels plans, tell her it's off. Dump her. Lots of gals out there that will allow you to kiss their arses, rub their feet, etc.

Been there; done that.

It will all work out.

[ElysianEagle]

There's a chance she met some other guy and just isn't into you all that much any more.

I'd stop the puppy dog behavior you have goin, and act like a man with dignity the next time she pulls this off.

[carnivalday]

Have you already planned the wedding and have a date? Are you living together?

If yes to 1., postpone. If yes to 2., move out. You two definitely need a little apart time to decide what you guys really want.