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You simply CANNOT change yourself, no matter how hard you try.
At best you may be able to mature, become more empathetic perhaps, but you can never change your basic makeup.
Having said this, no one in the universe is "perfect". People are people, they will have quirks and foibles and opinions and experiences that have shaped them forever.
Have a look at a crowded room and actually ASSESS to yourself - how many of those ordinary folk are "perfect" and how many have just decided to love themselves the way they are?
The only path to a happy mature relationship is being happy and mature yourself first.
Wishing to change is only indicative of a hearty self dislike which is NEVER attractive to anyone.
In short, you need to fall in love with yourself, first, before you can be a good partner to anyone else.
Also I want to add that I have a somewhat interesting personality as well. I'm spiritual and very self aware and often offer unique perspectives and philosophies that differ significantly from the majority of the women I interact with in my age range. I also am constantly told I look nothing like my personality-meaning people expect me to be one way then meet me and walk away with completely different ideas about me. Im shy and introspective and Im kind and open minded. Physically since as early as I can remember ive always gotten compliments on my looks from boys, men, women, etc. Im used to people stopping and staring when I walk in the room, or people being extremely surprised when they discover I haven't had sex with many people. I'm used to people assuming that Im snobby, stuck up, etc or weird and uptight. In other words people often either judge me based on what they think based on how I look or on minimal words that are spoken by me, because Im shy and quiet. When they do get to know me I'm used to people telling me I'm different, or that I seem sheltered, or that I have no filter, and the list goes on. Even then I've never let a man truly truly get to know all that is inside of me and most eventually either grow sick of me not letting them in or my physical package and/or unique personality grows old and loses its fascination and the guy ends up getting on me about about those very things and when things end they're right back dating the women that make up a large representation of liberated women in their twenties.
I don't like dating because for me the beginning stages cause me anxiety and tons of stress and because I often spend so much time having to break barriers of misconceptions about me and introduce the components of my personality that I worry might turn the man off and I never get to the safe place where I feel I can show him my true self. If that makes any sense. In any case I use to try to conform to their expectations until I started not to give a f*** and now especially I try not to pigeon hole myself into some "other" category. I think you've put your self into this category and unfortunately I think it's limiting you... We project. Our believes result in our experiences and often unaware of the very ingrained beliefs we have that conflict with our wants we end up validating some of the more awkward circumstances in our lives that we think are a result of XYZ when really they are a result because deep down we believe it to be no matter what we try to tell ourselves we otherwise want...
What I mean is that your personality might be different from a lot of people, as well
as your look, but if you continue to believe that these make you some oddity that men won't be as interested in then you will continue to have experiences like that. There are many people that have different personalities or interesting looks that have no problem dating. I'm not getting on you because I too used to somewhat think of myself as too different from expectations and in the process limited myself without realizing it.
It's great that you are in a good place with yourself and have no qualms about being you and no reason to change because that means you truly love yourself and accept yourself and that type of love you will project outward and should attract men that feel the same about you. While I think that people should continuously evolve and change I respect that your happy where your at. I do think that you most likely make this more complicated than what it needs to be by feeling limited because you don't feel like you fit in with mainstream society idea of the type of women or personality is desirable that you think you are not.
Good luck. I think Rose posts offered great insight.
You simply CANNOT change yourself, no matter how hard you try.
At best you may be able to mature, become more empathetic perhaps, but you can never change your basic makeup.
Having said this, no one in the universe is "perfect". People are people, they will have quirks and foibles and opinions and experiences that have shaped them forever.
Have a look at a crowded room and actually ASSESS to yourself - how many of those ordinary folk are "perfect" and how many have just decided to love themselves the way they are?
The only path to a happy mature relationship is being happy and mature yourself first.
Wishing to change is only indicative of a hearty self dislike which is NEVER attractive to anyone.
In short, you need to fall in love with yourself, first, before you can be a good partner to anyone else.
I could not disagree with this post any more. People can and do change, and I am living proof of that. 30 year old me wouldn't even recognize 40 year old me. I used to be an extremely negative, sarcastic person who had very little patience and a whole lot of anger.
Changing was a conscious choice, precipitated by some life events that caused me to look at the kind of person I was vs. the kind of person I wanted to be, the example I was setting for my children, and the interactions I had with friends, dates, co-workers, random people. I made a huge overhaul of my life over several years and I am a better person for it.
Changing yourself has nothing to do with becoming perfect - no one is perfect. It's about becoming the person you want to be, and always bettering and improving oneself.
I do agree with your line about having a happy, mature relationship. But I wasn't happy and mature and my relationships suffered because of it, and I attracted men who were also unhappy and immature. I learned to love and improve myself simultaneously and I'm a much happier, peaceful, giving person because of the changes I made. I don't regret any of it.
I could not disagree with this post any more. People can and do change, and I am living proof of that. 30 year old me wouldn't even recognize 40 year old me. I used to be an extremely negative, sarcastic person who had very little patience and a whole lot of anger.
Changing was a conscious choice, precipitated by some life events that caused me to look at the kind of person I was vs. the kind of person I wanted to be, the example I was setting for my children, and the interactions I had with friends, dates, co-workers, random people. I made a huge overhaul of my life over several years and I am a better person for it.
Changing yourself has nothing to do with becoming perfect - no one is perfect. It's about becoming the person you want to be, and always bettering and improving oneself.
I do agree with your line about having a happy, mature relationship. But I wasn't happy and mature and my relationships suffered because of it, and I attracted men who were also unhappy and immature. I learned to love and improve myself simultaneously and I'm a much happier, peaceful, giving person because of the changes I made. I don't regret any of it.
Well you changed your attitude and behaviour, which is different from changing who you 'really' are, your true likes and dislikes and deep-seated beliefs and worldview etc, I think the OP is talking about something more innate.
Look, I'm almost 40. I like who I am and trust in my own abilities. I have many close and long-term friendships and am surrounded by wonderful people in my life. I have a decent career and beloved coworkers. I have dogs and hobbies that I enjoy. I'm not the most attractive woman in my age group, but I've had no problems finding men who find me to be appealing.
All of that said, I have a hard time with romantic relationships. I've basically accepted that my otherwise awesome life is just going to be deficient in that area. I like sex a lot, but I've got a vibrator and I'm currently cultivating a potential FWB situation with a guy who is sexually compatible with me but also tends to be happiest on his own.
I have friends with AMAZING marriages. And I've got a few friends with "meh" marriages. I'm happy as I am, so I won't settle for anything less in a long-term relationship than amazing. It's got to add to my happiness - and that's a pretty high bar.
What I'm saying, OP, is to do your own thing. Work less on (and worry less about) achieving a relationship and more on building and maintaining a happy life. Remain open to relationships, but don't settle.
What do you do when you like yourself, took time to get to that point emotionally, but see that it is not appealing romantically? Where do you draw the line at making changes to be more attractive, without "selling out"?
For the sake of discussion, let's include the physical also. Where do you draw the line between improvement vs fake?
For me, I would change what I think is more attractive, so I go towards that improvement.
For example, I don't like reading books. I'm not going to start reading a book just to be able to date someone who loves reading books and have something to talk about. But, I do like learning, so I will take up a course in another language so I can be trilingual and that could make me more appealing.
Physical wise, I personally think being toned is nice, not because the magazine said so, but because I think being toned = healthy lifestyle. That's something I'd put on my list to be more attractive without being fake about it.
In a nutshell, I'll only make myself more dateable and more appealing based on what I think is more appealing.
Well you changed your attitude and behaviour, which is different from changing who you 'really' are, your true likes and dislikes and deep-seated beliefs and worldview etc, I think the OP is talking about something more innate.
As I said, I made a huge overhaul of my life. My world view is very different, and some of my beliefs have changed or deepened based on what I have learned and experienced. I have learned to embrace things that I previously did not like. Yes, change is possible. But you have to want it and you have to put in the work - it's not something you can do half-assed.
I never drew a line or worried about improving myself to being good enough for someone. I just did my own thing and made sure I was content and happy. If someone didn't like how I was I didn't change one bit. There's always someone else.
People I know would often tell me I'll never have a relationship or get good looking women who are attracted to me if I refuse to get with the times.
I had no problems, I just found the people who seemed to stick around were just simply more on my page. I just enjoyed my life and did my own thing
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