Everything has changed - Confused and need advice (wife, how to, marriage)

[useraccount143]

Okay, so here is a little background information: I am a 33 year old married man of 7 years with 3 kids. I have NEVER cheated on my wife. I have recently been through a situation which has left me feeling sad and empty inside; I really don't know how to continue and would appreciate any advice that anyone could give. Here's what happened:

Just over a year ago, my wife's female cousin was looking for a place to stay, and my wife offered that she stay with us and our kids for a while; the cousin accepted. She moved in with us and became a daily presence in our lives and a part of the family. She helped with the kids and cooking and cleaning and she was a permanent fixture in our lives.

I admit that from early on, I was attracted physically to the cousin, but NEVER did I act on that. I truly cherish my wife and my kids and I realize that I am very lucky to have a family that is together with both parents raising the children in a stable household.

Well, fast foward to current day: it has been just over one year and the female cousin finally moved back home. She has been gone about one week, and I feel horrible. I never told her about my feelings or attraction for her, I never had sex with her and never even kissed her. But now that she is gone, I am realizing that I was deeply in love with her and I miss her so much.

I realize that I can not and will not leave my wife for her. I am not going to destroy my family and the lives of my children just so I can follow "true love". Even if I wanted to do that I have to realize that if I were to start a "new life" with the cousin and marry her, her entire family would hate me for having left my wife and my kids, and of course the family would hate her because she would now be a "homewrecker" ***** that destroyed a family.

So I realize that for many reasons, I cannot persue my feelings and ever have a relationship with this woman; so it is time to man-up and move on. The problem is that now that I experienced true love with her, I no longer feel that same love with my wife in my own home. We have allways had a good marriage and I do care very much for my wife, but I do not feel that same pure "in-love" happy feeling as I did with her cousin. I feel that my life is empty now, that I am just passing the hours of each day and going through the motions, but without any sense of joy or happiness. I feel like without this other woman my life no longer enjoyable. Everything was fine before I met her, but now that I have felt true love my life seems empty without it.

So where do I go from here? How do I deal with this and get back the life I had? I really need help with this any any advice/thoughts/opinions would be appreciated.

[Poohbear1234]

Do you think the cousin has the same feelings for you?

[rosebyanothername]

I hate to burst this big fat "love bubble" your head has going on inside it, but it doesn't sound like you are experiencing "love" as you are "lust". You were physically attracted to her when she moved in. What you should have done is this...talk to your wife...
"Dear wife....It is not going to suit for your cousin to stay with us after all. I just am not comfortable with her staying in our home."
Now, if the wife insisted on knowing the "whys" then you could tell her in as delicately a manner as possible that you were feeling "strangely" attracted to her cousin. This would have been not only the honest thing to do, it would have protected your marriage and your wife most likely would have seen to it that the cousin left in as politely and quickly a manner as possible.
So....you didn't do that and this person was allowed to live in your place for a whole year with you having all of these feelings and fantasies and while you didn't, as you say, do any kissing or other physical acts, what you did engage in is cheating on another level. That is emotional cheating which can be just as wrong and just as hurtful as physically cheating on your spouse....if you don't believe me than go to your wife and fess up that you have had these deep feelings for HER COUSIN, that you are in love with HER COUSIN and are no longer attracted and you are no longer in love with her---YOUR WIFE.
Watch her reaction. If you get an "Awwww honey, don't you worry. That's nothing to be all fretful about. Now, come on over here and give me a big hug" ---then I will admit I am wrong.
So where to go from here? Pretty simple to me. If you want to save your marriage, go to either a therapist alone or go to a marriage therapist. See if they can figure you out and help you salvage what is left of your relationship with your wife. If you don't want to save your marriage, go to a divorce attorney. Draw up papers. Go find this cousin, marry her, have babies with her, make wild love with her.
In a few years, there is going to be another woman that is going to come along and you will be on a posting board somewhere whining about how much you are in love with her, and not this (cousin of your ex-wife) person you are married to.

[Poohbear1234]

I would try to revitalize things with your wife and kids. The kids are the most important thing. Does your wife seem happy with your marriage? I would focus on improving on the life you have, instead of focusing on what you dont have. I doubt the cousin would betray her family by marrying you. The old saying blood is thicker than water. I certainly would never do that to a family member. I think to even suggest anything romantic to the cousin would cause you a world of hurt.

[treasurekidd]

I realize that I can not and will not leave my wife for her.

Then you've already made up your mind. Suck it up, forget about her as best you can, and move on. Turn your attentions towards improving your relationship with your wife. If you do, she'll help you get over the cousin, even is she isn't aware she's doing it.

[elnina]

I feel sorry for your kids and your wife. I hope they never find out who you really are...

[weeblywobbly]

How could you experience true love when you've never had a relationship with her? When you've never put those feelings to the test? Was this cousin even aware of your feelings for her?

You're acting on a one sided fantasy; the idea of forbidden love. You get to get that out of your head, pronto. You're not in love with her, because you don't know well enough. Yes, she lived with you for a year, so you had a chance to observe her, but you never had the necessary conditions to actually fall in love with her.

Grow up. Seriously. You already know that it's a supremely bad idea to act on these 'feelings', but you need to get your head right. Put those feelings towards your wife and kids. You got bored, you felt tied down and this cousin was something new. Work on repairing your relationship with your wife (because if you're mooning over 'lost love' with this cousin, your marriage needs work) and forget about her cousin.

And keep your distance from cuzzo for the foreseeable future, yeah?

[D217]

Just get a grip on yourself. It is possible to 'feel' love for different people w/out acting on it. That's family tho. Get it together, man. This too shall pass..

[BirdieBelle]

Well, there's no magical way to get over this.

It just takes conscious effort and a LOT of self-control.

You do need to focus ALL your efforts on your wife and family. All those times you let your mind wander to the cousin? You now need to retrain yourself to focus on your wife.

It can be done, but YOU have to make yourself find those love feelings again. You KNOW the realities of your situation, and your estimation of how things would turn out "if" are absolutely correct. So treat your family as you would want to be treated.

[fumbling]

There is fantasy and real life, and in real life you have to help your family be happy and not be selfish. You should want to make your wife happy and she should want to make you happy and same for the kids. Anything else is selfish fantasy.