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I met a great guy, but I'm not that physically attracted to him. We went on a dinner date this week and I enjoyed myself very much. We have a lot in common. He finds me attractive, but I can't say the same for him. I do feel bad, but I don't know if I can become physical with someone who I don't find cute at least. I enjoy his company so I want to continue hanging out with him. But what should I do?
Br friendly, behave as if NOTHING is wrong -- but the second he makes overtures or pushes that boundary to test the waters, be clear that you're not interested, even if you have to be somewhat blunt. Don't be RUDE, but be direct.
Don't say "I'm not looking for anything right now" or variations on that theme. It suggests he's got a chance, either to prove himself OR somewhere down the line -- assuming he doesn't hear it for the pseudo-cop-out it actually is and see the you're-not-attractive-enough truth beneath. Like so many of those lines it makes things worse, not better when rejection is gutless and evasive.
Don't say "You're more like a brother to me" or some variation on that. If he's an awesome guy but not physically attractive, he's heard that one until he goes cold and livid inside at its utterance. Guys who have had to put up with that one repeatedly, they start to feel kind of cold toward women (mostly since we constantly hear women say looks aren't everything BUT whining about where all the nice guys with great personalities are; those two don't jive).
Don't make excuses for yourself; while gentility and courtesy are best, it's not like you owe him anything beyond those social graces.
Chances are good ONE of two things will happen:
1. He'll still feel rejected and withdraw from you some. Try not to hold this against him. You wouldn't want it held against you if you were rejected and wanted to withdraw, because let's face it, rejection sucks since you're being told you're "not good enough" for someone, no matter how they phrase it.
This aspect of human nature is so embedded that if two guys are friends and one of them opens up about being gay, if the non-gay guy flinches or tenses up and the gay guy says "Oh dear God, relax -- I'm not attracted to you," the non-gay guy's immediate reaction (true story) IS to feel a sense of resentment and momentary indignation because "Why not? What's wrong with me?"
(Yes, this actually happened to me when I was younger. Yes, I learned to laugh about it when I did some growing up.)
or...
2. He'll feel somewhat rejected but appreciate you being direct instead of doing what most women do, which is beat around the bush, try to play it off, offer old chestnuts meant to sound encouraging.
"Don't worry, someday some amazing woman is going to come along and be madly in love with you, because you're an amazing guy who will make a great husband!"
Sweet JEE-ZUSS, when women say that a part of you wants to throat-punch them on the spot and stick around to watch them die just so you can memorize the confusion in their eyes.
A third possibility exists wherein he keeps trying, but that's not on you, it's on him. You're under no obligation to date someone you don't want to date.
I met a great guy, but I'm not that physically attracted to him. We went on a dinner date this week and I enjoyed myself very much. We have a lot in common. He finds me attractive, but I can't say the same for him. I do feel bad, but I don't know if I can become physical with someone who I don't find cute at least. I enjoy his company so I want to continue hanging out with him. But what should I do?
Congratulations! You have made a new friend. Just let him know thats all you want out of the relationship - A FRIEND and leave it at that.
I've met a LOT of really nice ladies in my life who were great people. Many (if not most) found me attractive, but if I had ZERO interest in them physically, and had no desire for a romantic relationship, I was just up front and honest about it and we just kept it at being friends.
Sometimes its hard for people who are less attractive than most and/or are hornier than the average person due to lack of romantic opportunities to be as upfront about this as others. Because maybe you think "Well, here is someone who may want to have sex with me" or "Here is a person who seems to have a genuine interest in me" and you dont want to mess things up and/or you think "maybe I can get around the unattractiveness of them". Best thing to do is be open, honest and up front with them from the beginning if no romantic relationship is in the future. And be honest with yourself about not trying to "force" or "hope" some romantic positive comes out of you forcing yourself to try to like someone you dont find attractive.
If you don't find him attractive, you don't find him attractive. There's nothing "wrong" with that. I met and talked to nice guys that I wasn't attracted to. I simply did not pursue anything with them. Mutual attraction is important to many people.
I met a great guy, but I'm not that physically attracted to him. We went on a dinner date this week and I enjoyed myself very much. We have a lot in common. He finds me attractive, but I can't say the same for him. I do feel bad, but I don't know if I can become physical with someone who I don't find cute at least. I enjoy his company so I want to continue hanging out with him. But what should I do?
Have you just had the one dinner date so far? Since you want to see him again, there's nothing wrong with going out with him a few more times. What usually happens to me is that we'll be a few dates in and I'm feeling really awkward at the end of the date because I'm not at all excited about the possibility of him attempting to kiss me goodnight. At that point, I know it's time to just go our separate ways.
I might give it another go and see if any chemistry builds. I find in some cases, having stuff in common makes someone more attractive. Especially if it was a good date on the whole.
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