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I live with my girlfreind, going on 3 years. Our relationship has been very good, we really do compliment each other very well in many ways, we both really love each other. In fact every day I feel blessed to have her in my life, sex is great, and often, but there are a couple things that have been "wearing on me" over the course of our relationship.
1. She was diagnosed ADD in her teens. She has a VERY hard time focusing on tasks. She is VERY easily distracted.
An example would be: sometimes she works from home, and while working, she might get a facebook notification on her phone, reads it, then about 10 more and 30 minutes later she is back working. She seemingly cannot ignore things like facebook or text messages from friends and family. The net result is that due to distractions and lack of ability to focus at times, a task that might take an hour, takes 2 or 3 hours. She refuses to get treatment. I have brought it up a couple times, and she gets VERY defensive about it. Her close friends and family recognize the problem, and say she won't take action to work on this.
2. She refuses to go to bed at an appropriate time. She has to wake up at 6:00a to get to work by 8:00a. She will routinely go to bed around Midnight. This has two negative affects
- It tends to keep me up later than I want to be (if we want to be intimate)
- She is tired ALL the time, because 5 days a week she gets between 4-6 hours of sleep each night. She also sleeps in ridiculously late on the weekend to try to compensate for this, AND sometimes takes naps on weekends.
As far as going to bed at a decent hour goes, the reason for this is because she is always online, on facebook, or reading. Literally we eat dinner around 7, then if we are staying in, we will cuddle on the couch and watch TV or a movie, or play XBox. Then after that (9-10p), when I would want to start getting ready for bed, it's a solid hour and a half or more of her surfing or facebooking until she literally is about to pass out from exhaustion.
We are both adults (early 30's), and I know me saying "appropriate bedtime" might seem like controlling, but when I see a clear pattern of this behavior repeating itself time after time, I feel it's appropriate to recommend change. When I bring this up, she gets defensive about it too. So she's tired all the time, chronically not getting enough sleep, and refuses to do anything about it. In fact, this is an easy one. I have told her "the internet will still be there tomorrow, let's get some sleep".
3. General cleanliness. She's not the best at house chores. She will leave stuff lying around, procrastinates to do laundry until she is literally OUT of clean clothes. Do laundry and not fold it, piling clean laundry on the dresser. Dishes, etc. I knew this about her before I asked her to move in with me, so this one is on me, I had hoped it would improve. It hasnt.
All in all, the sum of the whole is worth it to me. But as time goes on, a few of these things REALLY get to me. Especially when my choices are get more sleep for myself or hang with my GF or be intimate with my GF. When that is such an easy fix, put down the goddamn phone and let's screw or go to bed and let you catch up on sleep. I am legitimately concerned for her health and well being. And a more rested GF is better for the relationship.
I really want to get her to see someone for help, I would be willing to 100% pay for it, I feel that strongly. But she seems to not want to help herself.
I don't nag or harp on her about it, but it comes up every now and then.
Like I said we are both adults, so, as a concerned, loving boyfriend do I just let it go and let her continue some of these self destructive things?
Will it take something like her being fired from work to wake her up?
Will it take a medical emergency to shock her into changing behavior?
IN regards to the cleaning thing, I have a feeling this is just a lifelong bad habit that her parents never addressed. THEY are not the cleanest people either, I have seen their house, so it's no shock where she got some of that from. I feel she does not do her share. When I ask her to do something she always does it, but I feel, as a 31 year old adult, she should just "do" some things automatically. Like not let laundry pike up. I like to not live in a mess
Sorry for the rant, but this is cathartic, am I off base?
Tonight after dinner, as you settle in to watch tv, let her know that you're going to bed a 10pm. THEN DO IT.
Invite her along - but get into the bed at 10pm.
If she joins you, it shows she's interested in going to bed at 10pm.
If not, it shows that she's all about her and until she wants to change, she won't.
Keep that routine up and hopefully she'll be joining you... if not, maybe time to rethink this relationship.
Good luck.
If she doesn't want to change, nothing will change. The end. It is that simple.
Pretty much.
She doesn't even actually have to be diagnosed with anything to be this way.
Lots of people have these same tendencies, and the "solution" varies as much as the people. She obviously isn't feeling the negative effects of her choices enough to change her behavior.
It sounds pretty typical to me. It's not the best lifestyle, but I think most couples end up describing your situation to a certain point. Is it depression? Maybe. Personally, I think most people's lives end up revolving around boring weekends and Netflix binges, but I'm a cynic. So who knows...
I would suggest engaging in some activities outside of your comfort zones. If you usually stay-in or just eat dinner with friends on weekends, go to another city or state park instead. Mini-vacations do wonders for relationships; I've witnessed their effects.
I live with my girlfreind, going on 3 years. Our relationship has been very good, we really do compliment each other very well in many ways, we both really love each other. In fact every day I feel blessed to have her in my life, sex is great, and often, but there are a couple things that have been "wearing on me" over the course of our relationship.
1. She was diagnosed ADD in her teens. She has a VERY hard time focusing on tasks. She is VERY easily distracted.
An example would be: sometimes she works from home, and while working, she might get a facebook notification on her phone, reads it, then about 10 more and 30 minutes later she is back working. She seemingly cannot ignore things like facebook or text messages from friends and family. The net result is that due to distractions and lack of ability to focus at times, a task that might take an hour, takes 2 or 3 hours. She refuses to get treatment. I have brought it up a couple times, and she gets VERY defensive about it. Her close friends and family recognize the problem, and say she won't take action to work on this.
2. She refuses to go to bed at an appropriate time. She has to wake up at 6:00a to get to work by 8:00a. She will routinely go to bed around Midnight. This has two negative affects
- It tends to keep me up later than I want to be (if we want to be intimate)
- She is tired ALL the time, because 5 days a week she gets between 4-6 hours of sleep each night. She also sleeps in ridiculously late on the weekend to try to compensate for this, AND sometimes takes naps on weekends.
As far as going to bed at a decent hour goes, the reason for this is because she is always online, on facebook, or reading. Literally we eat dinner around 7, then if we are staying in, we will cuddle on the couch and watch TV or a movie, or play XBox. Then after that (9-10p), when I would want to start getting ready for bed, it's a solid hour and a half or more of her surfing or facebooking until she literally is about to pass out from exhaustion.
We are both adults (early 30's), and I know me saying "appropriate bedtime" might seem like controlling, but when I see a clear pattern of this behavior repeating itself time after time, I feel it's appropriate to recommend change. When I bring this up, she gets defensive about it too. So she's tired all the time, chronically not getting enough sleep, and refuses to do anything about it. In fact, this is an easy one. I have told her "the internet will still be there tomorrow, let's get some sleep".
3. General cleanliness. She's not the best at house chores. She will leave stuff lying around, procrastinates to do laundry until she is literally OUT of clean clothes. Do laundry and not fold it, piling clean laundry on the dresser. Dishes, etc. I knew this about her before I asked her to move in with me, so this one is on me, I had hoped it would improve. It hasnt.
All in all, the sum of the whole is worth it to me. But as time goes on, a few of these things REALLY get to me. Especially when my choices are get more sleep for myself or hang with my GF or be intimate with my GF. When that is such an easy fix, put down the goddamn phone and let's screw or go to bed and let you catch up on sleep. I am legitimately concerned for her health and well being. And a more rested GF is better for the relationship.
I really want to get her to see someone for help, I would be willing to 100% pay for it, I feel that strongly. But she seems to not want to help herself.
I don't nag or harp on her about it, but it comes up every now and then.
Like I said we are both adults, so, as a concerned, loving boyfriend do I just let it go and let her continue some of these self destructive things?
Will it take something like her being fired from work to wake her up?
Will it take a medical emergency to shock her into changing behavior?
IN regards to the cleaning thing, I have a feeling this is just a lifelong bad habit that her parents never addressed. THEY are not the cleanest people either, I have seen their house, so it's no shock where she got some of that from. I feel she does not do her share. When I ask her to do something she always does it, but I feel, as a 31 year old adult, she should just "do" some things automatically. Like not let laundry pike up. I like to not live in a mess
Sorry for the rant, but this is cathartic, am I off base?
You can support someone making healthier lifestyle choices, but you can't force or even coach them into it. She's an adult and you're not her parent, it is on her to spearhead the change, and it seems like she's being clear that she resents your pushing, even if it comes from a place of wanting to help (but, be honest, it's also coming from a place of being annoyed, which I'm sure she gets, and isn't going to make the, "I'm just being a concerned and loving bf " sell any easier).
What you can do is be honest with her that her behavioral choices are causing problems for you. What she does with that is on her, though.
I think if these are the only problems in your relationship, you don't have any problems.
you have sex, you get along, you love each other ... do you know how that some people will never find what you have?
Who cares how many facebook posts she reads! Who cares when she goes to bed as long as you still have such a great sex life. Your issues really sound very trivial to me.
Tonight after dinner, as you settle in to watch tv, let her know that you're going to bed a 10pm. THEN DO IT.
Invite her along - but get into the bed at 10pm.
If she joins you, it shows she's interested in going to bed at 10pm.
If not, it shows that she's all about her and until she wants to change, she won't.
Keep that routine up and hopefully she'll be joining you... if not, maybe time to rethink this relationship.
Good luck.
I tried that with my husband. It didn't work. All the sex in the world couldn't convince that guy that my bedtime was a good bedtime for him.
Since then I have met a lot of guys who are happy to go to bed when I want, but they get up again later to go do their internet thing.
I've had my share of electronic addiction, and you do have to consciously want to turn it off and go live your life. The OPs GF is not going to change unless she decides she wants to.
I am borderline ADD, and my habits have improved over time. I just learned to take on less so I have less to be distracted by. It's been a matter of focusing on my priorities.
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