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I am female and when I date, I always agree with the man ahead of time that we will take turns with the check. Some guys are floored and totally respect me for it. Others are extremely uncomfortable with it, their mindset being the old-fashioned "men-should-always-pay" (which I am uncomfortable with). I guess the key is to sit down and discuss it, and come to a mutually-agreeable solution.
Personally, when me and my wife were dating, I always gladly paid. I don't really care about money, it's just a means to an end and it comes and goes. Once in a while, she offered to pick up a check and I let her and appreciated the gesture. Hell, these days I'll even pay for a female friend if we are sharing a meal. It's not because she's a lady, it's because I'm a gentleman.
If that's how you are and you like to split checks then you should find someone that feels the same, that's all. It's not necessarily right or wrong.
Last edited by Cardiff Giant; 10-21-2015 at 07:42 AM..
augiedogie - I'm not going to dismiss her other efforts. But yes, it does seem weird that I am considered cheap for wanting to just be responsible for my share.
I guess we both have a different view of gender roles.
Well, do you cook her meals? That seems odd that you don't reciprocate.
You guys are incompatible. You have different expectations, and neither of you is willing to give. You are going to wase a lot of time trying to win each other to your respective views of relationships. Neither is totally right or totally wrong, just different. A man (or woman) convinced against their will is of the same opinion still. Give in, or move on.
I really have a hard time understanding why you would split a check with someone you are in a relationship with. I'll split a check when I go out to eat with some of my friends before seeing a show. When I'm in a relationship, either I get it or she does. You do sound a bit cheap to me, and I can understand why she is reacting the way she is.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Originally Posted by Questions_Answers
Susman - Yeah, I don't want the money issue to come up again and again. I think she also said she is tired of having to bring it up as well. Maybe it's good for both of us that she decided to see me less.. it seems like I dodged a bullet.
We don't live together btw, she has her own place and I have my own place. She just cooks when I am over.
I'm going to disagree what are some saying that the OP is a cheapskate. I will also disagree that the GF is focused on money. Its easy for those looking from the outside in to take sides...
I don't believe there is a wrong or right here...
The only thing that matters is that the couple is on the same page with the same expectations. I think the problem is simple. They are not on the same page when it comes to expectations. If they are don't get on the same page, then I don't see anything long term here. I don't think all is lost in the relationship. Talking it over and being blunt about expectations/feelings around money and expenses with compromises towards the middle can do a lot of good. This can only work if both sides are motivated.
I'm very much like the OP. Very cautious with money. My wife did like to spend a bit of money. When we moved together (before marriage) we were forced to be brutally honest with each other. Living together forced us to talk and make compromises. When we eventually got married, I had zero debt and a sizeable savings... heck even bought a house. I paid off all of my new wife's debts with the exception of her student loans (which she is still working on). She was thankful. I simply wanted to have a clean slate with a wife who is equal footing with me financially. We hit some hard times and we both had some good lessons as the result.
Now? Heck, she's a LOT more frugal and that I. She never wants anyone (including me) to bail her out of debt ever again... She doesn't have the notion of me treating her out... we treat "each other" out. After all, it is not about me, the husband, nor about her, the wife, it is only about us the couple. We had a good foundation to build on though.... we were both very independent from the beginning. I don't have expectations of her taking care of me. She doesn't have any expectations of me taking care of her. We are equal partners in this relationship. While that is neither good nor bad... it works for us because are on the same page.
It also doesn't mean we don't do nice things for each other. We simply don't expect it.... and when it happens, no matter how small, it is special. Just last night, my wife requested me to come home early. She set up a baby sitter for the twins and my son had soccer practice. For the first time in months, we had 1 hour for dinner out without kids. Even then, it was at a local served pizzeria with some wine.
OP, I think you are probably a good guy who has found someone okay with splitting most bills. I think she wants to feel that you are more invested in your relationship. She's young...26 is still trying to figure things out. I would put forth effort into your relationship if you want to keep it. If you want to let it go, then that's fine too.
I actually don't think you are cheap, I think you are a scorekeeper type. That's a very hard way to be in a relationship. It's draining for both parties. Try to do something for your GF because it's nice and you want to do it. Not because it's your turn.
Some of my favorite memories are of my husband making a meal for me and then giving me a foot rub. It was very sweet. He once got me a kitten to keep me company when he was working double shifts. Those are the kinds of things that don't cost a lot, but really show how someone invests in a relationship. :-)
You two are way too hung up on who pays what. You're a couple and you're fighting over who pays for coffee? Obviously you're hurting your relationship over a few bucks. Stop obsessing over it and if you two actually are in love this shouldn't be such a big deal.
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