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I recently got back in contact with a guy I knew in college. By "knew" I mean that we hooked up off and on over about three years. We never actually went on a date or spent much time together not involving drinking. Lots of booty calls from him and as a young, naive person I almost always picked up the phone. Naive as I was, I knew it was just a casual thing and I was at a casual phase in my life, so it worked out fine.
Last time I saw him was 12 years ago and was the night I got together with a guy who I ended up dating for three years. It basically came down to "choosing" between these two guys and I felt I chose right. However, I have always remembered this guy fondly. We had a lot of fun together and it was a very intense thing that has really imprinted him in my memory.
Over the years, I've googled him now and then but never found him or made contact. Last week, I found out through one of the social networking sites I rarely visit, that he had contacted me four times in about 18 months. Believe me, I could not have been more shocked.
We have now exchanged a couple of messages through the site. All very platonic and brief about work, where we live, etc. Since we knew each other in the mid-90s, technology wasn't a part of our lives. So emailing is a new thing between us. He writes such cheerful emails! with frequent exclamation points! which surprises me.
I guess my question after all this background is...despite current evidence to the contrary, it's hard for me not to believe he is the same as he was 12 years ago in terms of non-committal casual hook up guy. He isn't married and has never been, which after age 35 I've heard is a bad sign in a guy. That he probably has no interest in getting married.
Anyone have experience with this? Could he actually be a serious grown up now?
...I don't believe that someone is immature if they are not married by 35yrs old, maybe they haven't found anyone that they want to spend the rest of their lives with yet, times have changed from the years back!! 90% of everyone I know that got married are going thru divorces now. I'm over 35 and never got married, but I always told myself that I was going to wait until after I turned 40 - because nothings forever anymore, I don't believe it, don't get me wrong, I want to believe it, but just haven't seen it & I refuse to settle. If someone wants to grow up they will - its inside themselves to want to, you can't make someone grow up either and being married does not - by any means - mean that someone is grown up!! If you like that boy and always thought of him, you should take a chance, there is only 1 way to find out!! Thanks just my take on it. Good Luck
Thanks sue64. I didn't mean to say that everyone who isn't married by 35 is immature. In fact, the opposite is probably true. Especially women, in my opinion. I know tons of fabulous never married women, but the never married men I know are that way for a reason...usually because they like the single lifestyle. But I imagine there are commitment phobe 25 year olds who change over time. How to tell the difference between one who has evolved and one who hasn't??
You're not going to know any of this until you spend some actual time with him.
Unfortunately, he lives several states away so I won't likely see him any time soon. I'm wondering if it's worth continuing to email with him. This whole thing has me in a tizzy, just like when I knew him before.
Thanks sue64. I didn't mean to say that everyone who isn't married by 35 is immature. In fact, the opposite is probably true. Especially women, in my opinion. I know tons of fabulous never married women, but the never married men I know are that way for a reason...usually because they like the single lifestyle. But I imagine there are commitment phobe 25 year olds who change over time. How to tell the difference between one who has evolved and one who hasn't??
Hi:
I know that I live in the US now, and this may perhaps be typical here. But I just wanted to point out that the above is not necessarily true in many other places. For example, many Europeans never marry - they may be in a very committed relationship, but not marry. That does not mean that they are not ready for commitment - just that they don't feel that marriage is necessary. I personally wouldn't not regard marriage as necessary for the evolutionary cycle of a person's relationship predilections.
I personally wouldn't not regard marriage as necessary for the evolutionary cycle of a person's relationship predilections.
I agree with you. I have friends who've been dating 15 years and are happy with that. Commitment doesn't have to lead to marriage. I do, however, question someone who's 37 and not had a committed relationship by choice. Not question them as a person in general, but as a person to get involved with.
My brother is over 35, never married and has no children yet he wants to be married to someone and have a family. He does not want to go through a divorce as so many of his friends have and he is waiting for the right lady to come along. He is not going to compromise his standards and just settle for anybody for the sake of getting married. I see nothing wrong with that. My husband was over 35 when he married me. He too wanted to make the right decision and also meet his career and financial goals prior to marriage.
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