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If you truly love him and see a future with him than I think you should have a difficult conversation with him. Let him know that you don't want to be with a mooch who's making excuses not to get a job. Tell him to start applying now. It's never to early to start applying, and he can take time off from his job when it's time for surgery; any employer would understand that.
I think you should wait around for a month or so after that conversation and see if things change. If he's genuinely interested in finding a job, for himself, than you will notice that. Who knows, a good career could be right around the corner if he works for it. Than this whole issue would be resolved.
Than again, if you don't truly love him or you believe that he doesn't have the capacity for change than move on. You have a right not to be dragged down with him. Just do the breakup gently and if you feel it's prudent find some support for him in advanced in regard to the alcohol problem. It wouldn't be easy for either of you if you handle the breakup wrong and get him drinking again.
Thank you. This was the game plan I was leaning towards. We have had that conversation on multiple occasions. But I think it's time I take off the kid gloves.
Assuming that you and he remain together, what will your life look like in 5 years? Is that how you would like to be living then?
And, from what you have already described about him, you have to assume that the only changes in him would not be to suddenly wake up and get a professional job or return to school. He has little drive at this time to use the education he has, to become complete self-sufficient.
NO relationship will succeed when only one partner is giving. Relationships are based on wholeness - each partner needs to be a complete person so that during times of stress, the other partner can easily step in and give more than his/her share without feeling "put upon" or being used. Those are real feelings and definite relationship killers. Relationships are a give and take but more a give and give. If one is giving and the other taking, what happens when the "giver" has a need? What can be expected of the taker? To suddenly change his spots and become a zebra? Not likely.
You're already feeling resentment towards him for being a mooch - of everyone. What makes you think your attitude will change? Or that he will change? The only one capable of making changes is the person who needs to change. You can't force positive changes on him so what makes you believe you would be responsible for negative results should you decide to leave?
Personally, I'd say "enough". Period. No ultimatums; they don't work. No time frame; you have given him a couple years already and there's been no change.
While I agree that al-anon or any of the self-help groups will help you stop being an enabler; I'm more concerned with how you do not value yourself enough to expect and demand more of a life-partner/relationship. It's time to find out why you have and are continuing to allow yourself to be used. Find a therapist and make yourself whole; learn to respect yourself and not be used.
Thank you all. I appreciate your candor. Those are some hard truths I didn't want to hear. A part of me still wants to give him time to pull himself together. I will look into Alanon and get him back on the bandwagon if that's what it takes to save this relationship. If all else fails, then I really have no other option.
Alanon is for you, not him. You will learn how to get yourself on the bandwagon, not him.
I thought I was being self-centered as is. But yeah, he can fend for himself.
There's a difference between being self centered, and self preservation. You are in an unhealthy situation. You can absolutely encourage your SO, communicate with him about your concerns, support him, etc. but at the end of day, he is responsible for his own life.
The same goes for you.
Al Anon will give you the tools to either support him or recognize that you need to get out of the situation.
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