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It may depend on the state you are in, but in CA, joint custody is pretty much default unless one parent is proven to be awful.
However, it is not practical for many ex-spouses to shuttle kids back and forth every week. Kids need stability. Unless they continue to live in the same city (which many often do not, as women may need to relocate to find work or get support from family), then it is simply not realistic to have them split 50/50 between two homes. They usually physically live in one in order to have a regular routine for school, and then they visit another at other times.
So a mother can simply create a situation where she gets de facto full custody (what you call 'joint custody') just by moving to another city? Do you really think this is justice?
And it should be also noted that 50/50 custody in California is difficult for men to obtain even if they live next door. The notion that courts 'favor' 50/50 custody anywhere in the continental US is untrue. Said another way, it may be possible for men to obtain but not without great expense, great effort, and great luck.
Quote:
Many men do seem to get comfortable having their kids visit here and there, and
not playing a full fatherly role. This is what so many do not want to see/admit.
I suspect when people question why they do not have their kids much, to save
face they blame court systems, not admitting their own comfort level in leaving
the mom to raise the kids with all the everyday drudgery while they enjoy a fun
weekend with them every now and then.
This paragraph is a great indication of blatant and appalling sexism. I object to everything that it implies and especially to its veracity. I also believe any man writing a similar post attacking mothers in a similar way would face censorship and/or outright suspension or banning.
The truth is radically different than you portray.
where???
EVERY one of my divorced guy friends has 50/50...I don't know anyone so frickin ignorant and selfish that they don't allow their ex full access to their kids (I also don't know anyone who was or is abusive or a bad parent)
its not the 60's...if men want custody they can get it...
It may depend on the state you are in, but in CA, joint custody is pretty much default unless one parent is proven to be awful.
However, it is not practical for many ex-spouses to shuttle kids back and forth every week. Kids need stability. Unless they continue to live in the same city (which many often do not, as women may need to relocate to find work or get support from family), then it is simply not realistic to have them split 50/50 between two homes. They usually physically live in one in order to have a regular routine for school, and then they visit another at other times.
Many men do seem to get comfortable having their kids visit here and there, and not playing a full fatherly role. This is what so many do not want to see/admit. I suspect when people question why they do not have their kids much, to save face they blame court systems, not admitting their own comfort level in leaving the mom to raise the kids with all the everyday drudgery while they enjoy a fun weekend with them every now and then.
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I agree with those saying the OP seems one-sided. He also is in denial about the adverse affects divorce will have on his child. And he has not tried marital counseling yet. I have seen marital counseling imorove and save people's marriages, given both parties try. The wife doesnt seem happy either, so maybe she will try.
This was my ex 10 years ago. He could have had equal time, and we did that during our year-long separation, but he eventually chose to pay child support and have less time with his daughters. His girlfriend did not like our kids and did not want them around. I will never understand it, and it messed them up as young adolescents. One ultimately did not survive. He has huge guilt and regret now.
I've been married for 8 years. We've got a daughter who is 6. My wife has become impossible to live with. She's become very lazy, argumentative, and really hard to get on with. She brings nothing to this marriage. I've tried so many ways to offer to help her or to listen to any problems that she might be having, but 100% of the time she tells me that I'm the one with the problem, not her, but she never says what specifically. I've tried time and time again and I just can't carry on living like this. She's always been a bit fiery but over the last 3 or so years it's become awful.
I've been a good husband and a good dad to our daughter, but she's been getting worse and worse. I just don't know what's wrong with her. She has a real bad attitude. I think she may also have cheated at one time. She's thrown things at me, yelled, started arguments about the pettiest things. She's become the total opposite of what a good wife ought to be and I've had it. There's virtually no real communication between us and I've just about given up. I want to move on.
But I never imagined that I'd ever want to get divorced and I have no idea where to start. I'm here to ask anyone who has been divorced what I should do and what to expect. I most certainly want 50% custody of our daughter. I want this to be as clean a break as it can possibly be and yes I realize that it's often not as simple as that.
I've done everything. I've tried reasoning with her, giving her space, but nothing works. I've done nothing wrong to that woman, I've treated her as best as I can, and she has treated me like garbage for a very long time and enough is enough. People have asked me if maybe she has psychological issues, and the answer is no, nothing diagnosable anyway, she's just mean and has issues and she's just a nightmare.
I've already spoken to someone but I just want some advice from real people who have been divorced.
If you think you're dealing with BPD, no amount of "reasoning" is ever going to work. Expect your divorce to be "high-conflict" and make sure the attorney you select has successful experience in high-conflict divorces, otherwise you're going to be spinning your wheels and wasting a lot of money in the process. I also recommend the dadsdivorce.com site.
Last edited by corgifreak; 11-09-2015 at 08:07 AM..
its not the 60's...if men want custody they can get it...
No, they can't get it- at least when custody is contested. Why do you think there are giant family law law firms with million dollar offices all over the country? Why do you think there are online fathers rights forums attracting tens of thousands of visitors a day? Why do you think I've been fighting for my daughter for over 4 years?
Last thing- I have NEVER seen a man win 50/50 custody in any hearing that I have ever witnessed- in fact it's a struggle for men to get unsupervised visits here!
No, they can't get it- at least when custody is contested. Why do you think there are giant family law law firms with million dollar offices all over the country? Why do you think there are online fathers rights forums attracting tens of thousands of visitors a day? Why do you think I've been fighting for my daughter for over 4 years?
Last thing- I have NEVER seen a man win 50/50 custody in any hearing that I have ever witnessed- in fact it's a struggle for men to get unsupervised visits here!
Most of these 50/50 agreements are worked out in mediation, not won in courtroom battles. Most custody cases never make it to court. The two parties typically just bite their tongues, act like grownups, put the children's needs first and come to an agreement that both can live with. If neither party is 100% satisfied, that is a good compromise!
EVERY one of my divorced guy friends has 50/50...I don't know anyone so frickin ignorant and selfish that they don't allow their ex full access to their kids (I also don't know anyone who was or is abusive or a bad parent)
its not the 60's...if men want custody they can get it...
I agree with this.
I also agree, based on my experience, that men have to work much harder to get this arrangement. There's still largely a presumption that, "in the best interest of the child", the woman should retain >50% physical custody until proven otherwise.
Divorce brings out the worse in people ... you don't have to be a bad/abusive parent to be perceived that way -- or set up, tactically, to be perceived that way by the soon-to-be-ex.
Most of these 50/50 agreements are worked out in mediation, not won in courtroom battles. Most custody cases never make it to court. The two parties typically just bite their tongues, act like grownups, put the children's needs first and come to an agreement that both can live with. If neither party is 100% satisfied, that is a good compromise!
this...
like I said no one I KNOW has had to settle for visitation or only weekends...
and if it DOES go to court its about who has the better lawyer...always is
usually if it DOES go to court, the parent who is being the most difficult is readily apparent and looked down upon...it pi$$e$ off judges when custody battles go beyond mediation
She's basically trying to get you to start the divorce so she can play the poor victim
Yeah, a lot of women like to pull that mess.
I also find it funny that a lot of the initial comments were basically blaming the guy or just telling him in so many words to just "man up and deal with it."
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Originally Posted by 1986pacecar
Where is the OP? 58 replies and no response from the originator.
Maybe he got tired of people throwing everything at him but the kitchen sink!
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