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if it's a character attack? Say your SO tells you that you are rude to people, not nice to people etc. etc. and nobody has ever told you that before, quite the contrary... people seem to like you, how would you confront him/her? Do you think such a thing is even valid in a relationship - given that someone who has a poor opinion of their partner in these regards should be breaking up with them correct?
But what if they blow hot and cold? One time calling you a jerk, the next moment saying you are the best thing ever? Is this sort of behavior normal?
If someone would accuse me to be rude, I would ask to elaborate. Who knows, maybe indeed I was little edgy...
However, people who blow hot and cold, are not the best relationship material. They seems to be a bit mentally unstable.
I would not deal with that kind of behavior.
There’s no point in being with someone who blows hot and cold because it’s not a mutual relationship, it’s all on their terms, and you can never really know where you stand because they persist in undermining you and the relationship.This is unhealthy and demeaning. If you don’t register the inconsistency and you hang around, the blowing hot and cold will disrupt and confuse you, and actually, you’ll become desensitized to getting crumbs, and may think you’re getting a loaf when you’re actually on a crumb diet.
Mr. CSD lets me know when I have been out of line and I do the same. It isn't criticism, it is telling each other what we saw or heard that was not appropriate.
I think when in a relationship your aim should be to build each other up and not pull each other down. I wouldn't mind being corrected if I was wrong but it would all come down to how the message was delivered.
If you find yourselves one-upping each other, then your relationship is either doomed or you'll both be very unhappy.
if it's a character attack? Say your SO tells you that you are rude to people, not nice to people etc. etc. and nobody has ever told you that before, quite the contrary... people seem to like you, how would you confront him/her? Do you think such a thing is even valid in a relationship - given that someone who has a poor opinion of their partner in these regards should be breaking up with them correct?
But what if they blow hot and cold? One time calling you a jerk, the next moment saying you are the best thing ever? Is this sort of behavior normal?
Pointing out a mistake in a healthy, non-confrontational manner is part of a healthy relationship. So is determining whether or not that mistake is true or not, again doing so in a non-confrontational manner. When done correctly, they can make people feel closer afterward.
It's a good thing to be able to have open lines of communication to talk about things that bother each other.
However, hot and cold, jerk to best thing ever... not normal.. not healthy.
if it's a character attack? Say your SO tells you that you are rude to people, not nice to people etc. etc. and nobody has ever told you that before, quite the contrary... people seem to like you, how would you confront him/her? Do you think such a thing is even valid in a relationship - given that someone who has a poor opinion of their partner in these regards should be breaking up with them correct?
But what if they blow hot and cold? One time calling you a jerk, the next moment saying you are the best thing ever? Is this sort of behavior normal?
Just because you haven't heard it before doesn't mean it's untrue. Sometimes someone close to you is apt to be more honest.
However, if they'really just being plain mean, that's a different issue. Why would you want to be with someone like that?
pointing out the flaws of your partner when you yourself are loaded with flaws is laughable... saying someone is rude when the example cited is ridiculously flimsy, well...if you feel the need to keep badgering your partner about how bad they are then why are you even with them? And being rude/not nice to people is a character trait, definitely don't want to be with someone like that... I don't understand why someone would stick around with a partner they thought was mean/rude/not nice whatever, unless of course it isn't true and they just use this tactic to play games and psychologically control the other person.
My coworker does things like this, but when asked to give specific examples of incidents where the person in question behaved a certain way, he can't give examples.
So, ask for examples if someone is pointing out a certain behaviour to you. "I hear what you're saying and I genuinely didn't intend to come across rude, so can you give me an example of a time when I may have acted rudely toward _____"
If it's just something they're blowing hot air about, they won't have an example or (as you said) will have a stupid example, then tell them "Ok, well, I appreciate what you're saying and I definitely want to change this behaviour if it's something I'm doing often/semi-often/occasionally. Could you help me to change this behaviour by pointing it out to me right away the next time I do it?"
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