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I've been "around".... For the most part, sex is simply something fun to enjoy with someone else. The few times I was hurt or with no real intention hurt someone else was because assumption were made.
Don't make them. Any relationship, friendships included, communciation is the best solution for many problems.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Urban Sasquatch
You know, I see a LOT of folks in this thread who seem pretty darned sure of a few things, such as "no such thing as lying by omission", and the idea that unless it's specifically stated, no implied exclusivity based solely on dating, up to and including sleeping together.
So lemme ask y'all this:
Y'reckon the fact that the guy was having sex other women "simply never happened to come up"...? Pure coincidence? Because seriously, based on the logic of a few folks here, so long as he doesn't stink too badly he doesn't actually owe this gal so much as a shower before dropping by after seeing someone else, you know, since there was no verbal contract implicitly stated.
But I'm betting that's NOT the case. I'm betting that the phrasing was "I'm busy later," rather than "I can't, I have another date." I'm betting it was "I'll see you Monday, I've got some things I have to take care of over the weekend," rather than "I'm out of town with my other girlfriend this weekend, can we catch up after that?" That's neither simple diplomacy nor privacy; it's specifically stated thusly in order to avoid confrontation, and the only reason confrontation WOULD arise would be that technicality-BS aside, we all know good and well we're hiding something.
I have other plans, or I'm busy later, is not lying. It is telling the truth. Unless you're in a committed relationship, it isn't the other person's business what those plans are unless the person decides to share them. I can't count the number of times I've asked someone I've been seeing out, was told that they aren't free that night, and ran into them on a date or learned they were on a date later. It's not always fun, but it is perfectly fine. I've been on the other side of that as well. Avoiding confrontation is good, if you're dating casually and dating around, it is completely rude to shove it in the face of another person you're seeing. Golden rule: don't be an ____ hole. And please, there is a HUGE difference between hiding something and not telling something to someone when it isn't any of their damn business.
If you want exclusivity, ask for it. If you're not liking the answers, you're free to walk away (I had to do that this past winter after seeing someone for about 8-9 mos). It is that damn simple. Exclusivity is NEVER EVER implied. It is something directly agreed upon. If you take it as implied, as so many of us have, be prepared to be burned and hurt, as so many of us have, before we wised up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostandhurt
Maybe we have different definitions of casual dating. What constitutes casual dating, sex, amount of dates....etc? At what point does casual dating become serious dating? And what happens with your other casual dates?
Casual dating is dating without a commitment or without a definition for the relationship. Sex is pretty self explanatory. Number of dates has nothing to do with it. I casually dated a woman for 5 years. I've known people that have casually dated longer.
Casual dating becomes serious when you've agreed to change your relationship. Generally, but this isn't close to iron clad, when you agree on exclusivity (there are other options, of course, but that's the mainstream one). At that point the other people you're seeing casually are told you're no longer free to date them. The end. Happens all the time. Every day.
I think it depends on where you are from. There is(was) an understanding where I'm from that once you were knocking boots you at least needed to have a talk before you were hitting it with other people. That doesn't mean it's your fault if you sleep around it just means if that talk hadn't come a day or two after sleeping together the other party would bring up exclusivity or they weren't into it. If that's never brought up it's fair game though it would rub me wrong if I thought I was romancing a woman I really liked and found out she was sleeping with other dudes the whole time.
My boyfriend now of a few months basically lied by omission while we were dating, before we were exclusive.
While we were seeing each other, I've now found out he was also sleeping with two other girls. I know he didn't technically cheat, but I can't help but feel cheated and deceived. I feel like he led me to believe I was the only one he was hooking up with and now I feel almost manipulated.
I care about him but I'm worried about resenting this in the future and I'm not sure what to do.
You weren't exclusive so technically he didn't do anything wrong... He may have had no idea where things were going, and so because he met you and was only getting to know you he was supposed to stop contact and relationships (even sexual) just because he is getting to know you and it was never predetermined that your relationship with him was exclusive??
I think you need to let it go. Unless you met this guy, asked if he was single (and he said yes), and then you went on a date and continued the relationship as an exclusive couple then he did nothing wrong.
There is nothing to do except establish boundaries now. Do you think you can trust him going forward and do you know for certain he broke things off with any flings that he had while you two were just getting acquainted? If so, then enjoy your new relationship. If not, then listen to you gut and cut ties now before you get in too deep...
You know, I see a LOT of folks in this thread who seem pretty darned sure of a few things, such as "no such thing as lying by omission", and the idea that unless it's specifically stated, no implied exclusivity based solely on dating, up to and including sleeping together.
I'm of the camp that technically, he did nothing wrong.
Personally? If I was dating a guy who did that I would probably break-up.
It's his "right" to do that, and my "right" to not want them. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but not many.
The OP never came back to clarify the details.
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You weren't together. What else is there to discuss?
If you two were having sex as well, yeah, I'd be concerned because of the deception of not sharing with a partner that you've got multiple partners. But like you said, you weren't together and there's nothing else to really say about it. He didn't cheat.
On the other hand, it's completely understandable if this bothers you. Were I in your position with a woman, I'd probably end the relationship with that anyway.
In post-school dating after your early 20s or so, when you are in a bigger city, everyone is multi-dating in the early stages, especially if they use dating sites or apps. From the male point of view, you know you can't place too much hope in one female, because it is likely she's dating multiple men. It's pretty common to be at least kissing multiple people at the same time and sex with multiple people before determined exclusivity is also common.
OP-you should set a ground rule early on that there's no sex until determined exclusivity with your dates going forward if this issue concerns you.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RJ312
In post-school dating after your early 20s or so, when you are in a bigger city, everyone is multi-dating in the early stages, especially if they use dating sites or apps. From the male point of view, you know you can't place too much hope in one female, because it is likely she's dating multiple men. It's pretty common to be at least kissing multiple people at the same time and sex with multiple people before determined exclusivity is also common.
OP-you should set a ground rule early on that there's no sex until determined exclusivity with your dates going forward if this issue concerns you.
Good luck with that. I would take a pretty desperate guy to commit before knowing if they are compatible. But hey, if that helps her, go for it.
Good luck with that. I would take a pretty desperate guy to commit before knowing if they are compatible. But hey, if that helps her, go for it.
What makes you say that? There are guys who are tired of "the game". She seemed pretty distraught at the state of affairs. I thought I accurately described what is going on the big city dating scenarios now.
With an oversupply of males these days, women can get men to meet mostly any demand.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by RJ312
What makes you say that? There are guys who are tired of "the game". She seemed pretty distraught at the state of affairs. I thought I accurately described what is going on the big city dating scenarios now.
With an oversupply of males these days, women can get men to meet mostly any demand.
Oversupply? Women outnumber men. And women can get desperate men to meet demands, sure.
But a decent guy won't play that game because both the guys and girls know that sexual chemistry is critical to a relationship working, and people aren't going to commit to someone until they know they're sexually compatible. That's no game, that's a critical part of a relationship.
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