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Hi, I’m Bhavya (18), I just had my first break up 4 days ago. I got talking to him a year ago, we were in the relationship for 6 months. We became friends debating about intellectual stuff (like Quantum Physics), we had different viewpoints and it was fun talking to him. There was constant bickering, but we talked for hours, days together.. We hung out for the first time when he wanted me to help him wrap a present for his teacher who was leaving. When we parted after that, there was something we both felt, never talked about it. His friends pushed him to date me because they said we were perfect together, and to prove them wrong, he asked me out for a movie two days later. We met at the mall, although the movie couldn’t happen (no tickets), so we hung around instead. His favorite teacher had left for another city that day, he was upset. Things were a little subdued between us (less debating), but he got discussing us about the pros and cons of dating each other. The only con was that he was moving for college, and it’d be a long-distance thing. When we were about to leave the restaurant, for some reason, I said he couldn’t lift me up. To prove me wrong, when out of the restaurant, he suddenly lifted me off my feet. I blushed, he looked at me and smiled, I screamed for him to put me down. Later that day, he did it twice again, he squeezed be between his arms, stuck close to me, was goofy, all the signs of showing he was into me. We decided later that night to be together, but be open to any other ‘fits’ that might come our way. We weren’t in love then. It was the first relationship for both of us. Before he left for college, we had an official date and we kissed. The kiss was enough to connect our souls, felt heavenly. We soon fell in love. Things were smooth even though we were long-distance. There were arguments too. I’m temperamental, he’s arrogant, we both are impatient and stubborn. Nevertheless, we were deep in love.
There were more dates. We craved each other, we made commitments, got too intimate, breathed, caressed, cherished each other. He wrote letters to me, explaining how much he loved me, how we were destined to be together, how he saw the ‘wife’ in me, how we were already like a married couple, how we were the ‘one’ for each other etc. He was always truthful about everything. He can’t lie about such stuff. He hates infidelity. All that was fine, but there was the cycle of rows and patch-ups. The 14th of November was a date, and I didn’t see that ‘look’ in his eyes, felt disconnected to him. We had our moments, but it didn’t feel as good as before. I got insecure, and right after the date (he was leaving for the airport), I texted him that it was over. He was devasted, miserable throughout his flight. I was broken…got home, and I realized how badly I was in love with him, how I couldn’t do without him. I texted him about it, he still loved me, we got back together after a long discussion. My insecurities kept growing. I was guilty about what I’d done. I thought he deserved better than me, I told him so. He said I could give him what I thought he deserved, and that he’d stay. I went into a phase of stress-induced-depression after that. I was irritable, went without food and sleep for weeks, worked like a machine. It wrecked him. He was too worried about my condition. He felt chained, helpless because we were miles apart. At times he thought he was responsible for my condition, I assured him otherwise, yet he wasn’t really convinced. We had more arguments. The 3rd of December arrived. It was my birthday, he called up to wish me. He seemed distant again, I was rude, brash, asked him why he’d called up instead of thanking him. He hung up on me, he was too hurt and disturbed. The next day he told me he wasn’t feeling like before. He had been through a lot because of me, and he said it was all his fault instead. I felt more guilty, asked him to take a break if needed, maybe even break up if it made him feel better. I was more concerned about him well-being than mine. We lost communication for days after that. He was getting busier with time. One day he texted that he didn’t feel for me anymore, and we were done. I didn’t believe it because what we had was beyond special, it was real, pure love, and feelings like that never could die. He was advised to give it another shot, and he did so (apparently). That night we had a conversation like older times, he told me he was seriously missing me. Things could have taken a different turn then, but I started feeling suffocated after that. I needed to vent out, I’d suffered a lot too. I needed him to listen to me, to answer me, but he was too busy. He was torn between work and the relationship. This seemed already doomed, he put in everything he had into his work. It was decided even before we started that our priority would be work, considering that we’re too young. Our relationship remained ignored during these days. I was getting impatient, insecure, and even more suffocated. I was making wild assumptions about him, texting him all the rubbish on earth, he was as it is too stressed out. He got done with his work and we met on the 24th when he finally told me that he had no feelings for me and that it was over. Whatever I did, tried, nothing worked. I still believe we can get back together if the love was real (I believe it was), but he says that when things like this end for him, they’re final, and that no probabilities exist for us to get back together. I can’t help but see how real everything was, and it was destiny, we never felt this way before. I love him unconditionally and hope he’ll realize this love and come back to me. He doesn’t even want to remain friends anymore, he’s cut off all communication from me, and I can’t do anything about it. I know the love was real, but I don’t really know what happens next. He says he doesn’t (and can’t) feel for me anymore, but even he’s having a difficult time moving on. He said he doesn’t miss ‘us’ but does have our memories and is reminded of them. Every single thing that he thought was true before has turned into the negative now. He wants to get over me completely, but I think that’s not what is supposed to be, considering how deep we were in love. I know I should do nothing about it now, but please tell me if it was real, and if I can expect him to come back? Everyone is probably hating on me, and yes, I made mistakes, but please remember that he didn’t communicate enough with me. He never told me about his problems and stuff… Like I was kept in complete darkness about it, and suddenly things lost their gravity. He went to his friends for advice, but never tried to discuss things with me. But love doesn’t die that easy…. or does it?
The thing is, I contacted him after our breakup (I know now that I shouldn't have). I told him that I saw us getting back together in the future, because if it was real, it'd happen again. He doesn't think so at all. He says he knows such things can't happen again for him. Everything that seemed destiny to him before, all of them are now the outcomes of his friends having persuaded him to date me.
You two
I say stay in orbit but don't be surprised if other people bop in
You're both stubborn, that means you can't make each other do things unless they happen naturally
Feeling pressurized to "make a move" doesn't work, doesn't feel right
Let go, keep doing what you enjoy, don't make unnecessary sacrifices
I enjoyed my relationship most when it was long-distance
That meant I had freedom to do what I wanted, and after saving a few bucks would take a plane to see my sweetie and have romantic outings
When you're both stuck indoors in the same house, passion wanes, those old fun dates never happen anymore because why bother? Nothing special, just a new average
So enjoy your long-distance relationship, keep it special, don't be surprised if it ends at some point, and keep enjoying what you do personally
First break-ups are very hard, but it is very rare that someone marries the first person they have a relationship with.
Each relationship offers valuable lessons. The one here is that men don't respond well to nagging and haranguing. In time you'll learn how to have disagreements without having "rows," and you will also see that healthy relationships do not have so many ups and downs.
Bottom line is that you both have a lot of growing up to do. Move on, and enjoy your youth because you only have it once!
Lucky for him, he finally had the guts to end it. Hopefully, you will remain broken up. What you had was not real love. What you had was dysfunctional co-dependence.
I don't see how he will ever be crazy enough to go back into that drama-laden stressful relationship. Believe him, he's done.
Read your story again (it's going to be difficult because of the lack of paragraphs) and look at how unnecessary 99% of that bs was - of which was your doing.
BTW, how can you feel ignored and suffocated at the same time? Makes no sense.
He got done with his work and we met on the 24th when he finally told me that he had no feelings for me and that it was over. Whatever I did, tried, nothing worked. I still believe we can get back together if the love was real (I believe it was), but he says that when things like this end for him, they’re final, and that no probabilities exist for us to get back together. He went to his friends for advice, but never tried to discuss things with me. But love doesn’t die that easy…. or does it?
This thing we call love is really just intense feelings caused by a chemical reaction in the brain. When we meet someone who sparks our interest, a strong chemical reaction forms in our brains. We refer to this as having "chemistry" for the other person.
This chemistry is very intense initially. It clouds our judgment by not allowing us to see the other person's flaws. You are deaf and blind to everything as you are swept up in the euphoria. It's like being on a roller coaster ride together. He can do no wrong. He is "perfect" in your eyes. You are "drunk in love."
Eventually the intensity fades as the brain chemicals are reabsorbed. Once the intensity fades, everything comes into focus and he sees your flaws for the 1st time.
To answer your question, you never were in love. You shared intense feelings for each other. But his feelings for you have faded. You should move on.
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