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Married 14 years, no kids, he's 11 years older. He's a lovely guy, really funny and a brilliant sense of humour and a fantastic husband in every way but one. He's always had a lower sex drive than me but we got by. Then he got early stage prostate cancer but after a couple of years he got the all clear. The treatment side effect was impotency, even before he had a bit of ED, now it's lifeless. The problem is that he eats and drinks too much, more since the scare because he used to smoke but stopped. We've tried Viagra to no effect. The doctor won't take his symptoms seriously until he quits the drink, eats healthy and loses a serious amount of weight.
He and I have talked endlessly about it. He's used Mod cut., but to me all that's foreplay. It's having a starter, very nice - but no main course! There's no tenderness or intimacy and after a few times it leaves you feeling a bit flat.
Last year I gave him an ultimatum, quit the drink and lose weight, or I find a boyfriend. That had the desired effect and he did his best, went to weight watchers but a month later I found a secret stash of cans, we had a massive row and so I made him weigh himself in front of me and he'd actually put on 1 1/2 stone (21 pounds)!!
I was really angry and he was really upset. In the end he agreed I could get a bf so long as I promised that I would ditch the bf if I started developing any feelings, and that I'd never ever leave hubby.
I went on apps and dating sites and from them I went on about 5 dates and each one was a total disaster. OK I'm not Liz Hurley but I used to think I was at least average but it seems that any decent guy didn't want to know when I said I was married. I wasn't prepared to lie to either my hub or prospective bf and I'm not prepared to do it with a total weirdo out of desperation. But obviously this left me feeling even more frustrated, ego dented and I suppose snappy towards hubby. Anyway I've tried my best to put it all to the back of my mind and get on with other things such as work, gym, friends.
Over the last few weeks there's a boy that's been coming round for his dinner a couple of nights a week, and he stays for an hour or so and plays with the dog and chats with us. He's really sweet, he lives a bit further down the same road as us. He's got learning difficulties, he used to play with the local children but for some reason they've stopped playing with him so he tends to just hang around at home on XBox, watching TV or sat in his garden just watching the world go by. I think hub felt sorry for him so he invited him round which is very nice of him.
Well last night, after he'd gone home hub and I were chatting and he said to me, 'Would I like this boy to be my bf?' Shocked isn't the word. I went deep red with embarrassment. He explained that he must be really lonely, he only speaks to his mum and us and also that he'll have a sex drive just like any other 19 year old but no outlet, so he was sure he'd really like to be my bf. Hub went on to say he'd be more comfortable because there'd be no danger of me leaving him for this boy, so that would suit all three of us.
My head was all over the place. He's 19 so I'm double his age. Would I be exploiting him? Would I want to? Well I didn't sleep much last night, and I suppose I admit imagining what it'd be like. Hubby thinks it's a no brainer. I really don't know, part of me says yes, part thinks - bad idea! I'm all over the place - help!!
Last edited by PJSaturn; 05-23-2018 at 08:53 AM..
Reason: Not PG-13.
Over the last few weeks there's a boy that's been coming round for his dinner a couple of nights a week, and he stays for an hour or so and plays with the dog and chats with us. He's really sweet, he lives a bit further down the same road as us. He's got learning difficulties, he used to play with the local children but for some reason they've stopped playing with him so he tends to just hang around at home on XBox, watching TV or sat in his garden just watching the world go by. I think hub felt sorry for him so he invited him round which is very nice of him.
Well last night, after he'd gone home hub and I were chatting and he said to me, 'Would I like this boy to be my bf?' Shocked isn't the word. I went deep red with embarrassment. He explained that he must be really lonely, he only speaks to his mum and us and also that he'll have a sex drive just like any other 19 year old but no outlet, so he was sure he'd really like to be my bf. Hub went on to say he'd be more comfortable because there'd be no danger of me leaving him for this boy, so that would suit all three of us.
I'm reading your post, and as I go along I'm starting to be concerned about the age of this "boy".
Even though he is 19-years old, from your description, I feel like this "boy" is developmentally delayed or has some social anxieties that prevent him from having the social life and experiences of a typical 19-year old man. I'm actually grossed out that you are considering having a sexual relationship with this man/boy who essentially sounds like a child still. You even refer to him as a "boy" throughout your entire post - not once did you call him a man.
I also think a real possibility is that this man/boy will develop a strong attachment to you, and he will end up needing therapy as a result. I think there is real potential here to cause emotional and mental damage to this boy. OP - I urge you not to propose a sexual relationship with this particular person.
Maybe try changing the way you are searching. Someone looking for a BF/GF relationship is likely looking for an emotional attachment that may lead to something more serious, a more traditional relationship, if you will. I'm certain there are men out there who would be happy to accommodate no strings attached sex. Don't look for a BF, look for an FB.
Do not take sexual advantage of a mentally disabled teenager.
I can't believe I had to type that. This place.
And maybe you should look up the definition of "poly."
Absolutely.
OP< you married this man knowing he has a lower sex drive, and now as a married couple you are facing one of those curveballs that life is known to throw, the kind that make you have to recite your marriage vows to yourself as a reminder.
Now is the time when you have to revise you ideas for a solution to your problem. I agree that you don't understand "poly," and I'm not sure that's what you're looking for. Your husband doesn't even want you to go poly, since he said you had to ditch the lover when you develop feelings. That's not how it works.
Since you don't even have the feelings you want from your husband, you may need to decide if divorce is really what you want.
I'm reading your post, and as I go along I'm starting to be concerned about the age of this "boy".
Even though he is 19-years old, from your description, I feel like this "boy" is developmentally delayed or has some social anxieties that prevent him from having the social life and experiences of a typical 19-year old man. I'm actually grossed out that you are considering having a sexual relationship with this man/boy who essentially sounds like a child still. You even refer to him as a "boy" throughout your entire post - not once did you call him a man.
I also think a real possibility is that this man/boy will develop a strong attachment to you, and he will end up needing therapy as a result. I think there is real potential here to cause emotional and mental damage to this boy. OP - I urge you not to propose a sexual relationship with this particular person.
Maybe try changing the way you are searching. Someone looking for a BF/GF relationship is likely looking for an emotional attachment that may lead to something more serious, a more traditional relationship, if you will. I'm certain there are men out there who would be happy to accommodate no strings attached sex. Don't look for a BF, look for an FB.
Look, if you go poly, your husband can not, in a healthy scenario:
- Legislate feelings (tell you to dump a boyfriend because you've got feelings for him.) That doesn't work.
- Choose your partner for you.
Frankly, if my husband had suggested I have sex with a 19 year old with learning disabilities from the neighborhood just because he doesn't feel threatened by him (I guess)...I'd be disgusted, and rather insulted about it. And to be honest, poly really is not about replacing one missing facet from a relationship you have, like a working body part.
Polyamory means multiple LOVES, not just multiple lays. If you just want to have a romp, maybe do some internet research to find out if there is a swinger scene not far from you.
Do not take sexual advantage of a mentally disabled teenager.
I can't believe I had to type that. This place.
And maybe you should look up the definition of "poly."
THIS...
OP, understand you might be in denial regarding a relationship with this boy...and he is a boy. IMO, you could do great harm to him by pursuing this...using someone like him for sexual gratification,( it is unlikely he could make an informed decision about you), should be a crime if it isn't already...
Do not take sexual advantage of a mentally disabled teenager.
I can't believe I had to type that. This place.
And maybe you should look up the definition of "poly."
100% this.
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