* My heart is torn, and really need advice** (wife, girlfriend, marriage)
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Longtime lurker here. I would appreciate, in advance, any advice you could offer. I really have no where else to turn to....and would greatly appreciate honest feedback. Thank you!
I shall keep this is brief as possible. I appreciate any insight, as I literally have no one I can share my issue with, and my stress levels are at a bad point right now. In addition to my heart feeling like it’s twisted in knots. I also feel like such a bad person.
Years ago in college, I lived across the hall from a young man. I had recently split from my first “real” adult relationship. We got to talking, found out he had a girlfriend, etc. After some time, he turned my head to his & kissed me. I felt like I was in a dream like state; the kiss was electric. Without getting into too much detail, we had sex. It was brief, but amazing. We both felt guilty afterwards-as he had a girlfriend, and for me…I had never done something like that before. However, over the course of a few months, we slept together a handful of times.
This soon ended, and a few months later, I met my now husband. He is a wonderful man-kind, sensitive, caring, handsome- really “gets” me. I suspect that even if “college” guy were single, we wouldn’t have been compatible (I am artsy, a dreamer, w/ a soft heart; he’s scientific, blunt).
I know a small part of me grew feelings for college guy, and in the ensuing years, I never forgot about him or our “encounters.” 2011 was a traumatic year for me, and due to my husband’s work, it can be stressful. Due to that fact, and his low self esteem (he had a rough childhood, doesn’t think he is very attractive, etc), my husband & I haven’t been intimate in 6 yrs. We are affectionate in every other way. It did bother me-but not until college guy contacted me on Facebook a year ago.
I was surprised, and our initial convos were decent. He married his college girlfriend, and by mutual agreement, they have an open marriage. To cut a long story short, due to friction, left over sexual tension, his boasting about his conquests….we bickered and I “unfriended” him a few times. Eventually, we stopped talking.
However…Pandora’s Box was opened. All those years of fantasizing about being with him one last time, etc made my lack of sexual intimacy with my husband a REAL issue. The good thing is–that tension prompted me to have a few indepth talks w/ hubby, who-to his credit- was open about hos self esteem issues etc and is trying to get over them.
Fast forward to Jan. 8th. After a doctor’s appointment, I decided to message college guy to wish him Happy New Year. We had a civil talk, and I mentioned I was going to be back on the same coast next month. I should add that last time, we tried to connect, but due to bickering and my probably subconsciously sabotaging it, it never happened. This time, he purchased a ticket. I booked a hotel room. Even though I had conflicting emotions…I still felt excited at the prospect of seeing him (I know I sound like a horrible person).
We have chatted a few times since…but some of his abrupt, blunt ways are creeping back. For example- I asked him if I could ask him a few personal questions & clear the air about a few things. He said ok–but when I would try to explain some things that for years have been on my mind, it was almost as if he were indifferent. Of course, anything over FB messenger can have that effect.
This brings me to how I am feeling now. I want to see him, feel his touch, experience that desire again with him. An electricity that is different from what I have experienced w/ my husband. However…I love my husband. But I have a feeling that I wouldn’t have many regrets spending one last time w/ this other person. But part of me feels like it won’t happen- due to weather related things, he might cancel, etc. I feel so torn and my heart is aching. I want to feel that same sexual electricity w/ my husband as I do with this other person. And I wish I could just shut off my emotions & say, “Well, if we meet or don’t, it doesn’t matter.” It does matter, which kills me to say it.
Fast forward to today...I told college guy that I do care about him, and have had these feelings for him for a while, and that is why I have been closed off with him. He did listen…but of course being Facebook messages..it is hard to guage things. I hate that I still have such strong feelings for him. I have suppressed them for so long..and never thought I would speak to this guy again. He probably thought I was a loon, messaging him to tell him this, since I am an ocean away, and it is really early am my time zone.
…I also said I did not think it was wise fo rme to tell him how I feel, but at least all my cards were out on the table. The bottom line is– I do love my husband, and he loves me. I know he is trying to work on things….and I am a very patient person. It’s just..the ONE person in my past…that could make me yearn for them so much…is now in my present. And I know that one bite at the apple would not be enough. And I know I am already hurting and feeling torn…and I haven’t even seen him …or ever will see him. So I guess I lose no matter what
If you don't want to fall off the cliff, don't walk close to the edge.
Now, your husband does not have the right to leave you in a sexless marriage for 6 years because of "stress and low self-esteem." Pretty much everyone has that.
Block the college fantasy, work hard on present, real life.
Thank you for your imput, I do agree with much of what you said. It's just...I wish I could turn off my feelings. I know I am walking along the edge- but it is easier said than done, not to do it. What your head tells you & what your heart wants are 2 different things, at least in my case.
If you don't want to fall off the cliff, don't walk close to the edge.
Now, your husband does not have the right to leave you in a sexless marriage for 6 years because of "stress and low self-esteem." Pretty much everyone has that.
Block the college fantasy, work hard on present, real life.
Do you really want to be *that person *? The person who cheats on their spouse, who has a very intimate secret relationship with another guy? How would you feel if the tables were turned, if your husband was planning a bootie call with *his* college friend? And who is this you're planning to hook up with? Some guy who cheated on his girlfriend with you, and now looking to cheat On his wife.
My advice to you is to work on your marriage. Seek counseling today. There's a lot going on here. None of which will be solved with a clandestine meeting at a hotel with an old college friend.
"Normal people" are tormented by consequences and by regrets, before, during and after affairs. These are desperate acts. One doesn't come out of them and "live happily ever after". We are haunted; we rationalize; we lie to others, as well. There seems to be no truth to hang onto, no matter how hard we try, until....much later. In many, but not all, cases, it is too late.
Yes, a few people do find joy at the end of the whirlwind.
You're just horny and imagining a fantasy from an experience from the past.
It's not going to fix your marriage and may well damage it for a worthless romp.
Put your efforts into the marriage or leave it.
Thank you for your imput, I do agree with much of what you said. It's just...I wish I could turn off my feelings. I know I am walking along the edge- but it is easier said than done, not to do it. What your head tells you & what your heart wants are 2 different things, at least in my case.
In everybody's case.
It's part of being human. You DO have control over your instincts.
This fantasy is distracting you from the serious problems in your marriage. Take charge of the RIGHT situation here.
You don't get to choose who you have feelings for.... But you do get to choose what you do with them.
If you do still love your husband, you would put your energy and focus on your marriage. If that means distancing yourself from a person you have strong feelings for, then you must do so. I know from personal experience that it is difficult, emotional, and painful but it is the only way to remove yourself from the distraction.
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