Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
If you find a person who is interested in you, when do you make them aware of any non obvious disabilities? And how do you do it so they don't go running to the hills?
If you find a person who is interested in you, when do you make them aware of any non obvious disabilities? And how do you do it so they don't go running to the hills?
Tell them when you are comfortable enough with them to tell them but as far as keeping them from running to the hills, you cannot control their reaction to what you tell them.
Tell them when you are comfortable enough with them to tell them but as far as keeping them from running to the hills, you cannot control their reaction to what you tell them.
Due to my own history, I ask the question very early on. I expect a straight-forward answer so that I can have the information I need to make an informed decision about continuing with the relationship.
If one is not asked, I would agree, do it when comfortable- but err on the side of sooner rather than later. Give them the opportunity to have the information, ask questions if necessary, and make their own decision as to whether or not they want to proceed. Nope, you can't control their reaction- just be as matter of fact as possible.
Due to my own history, I ask the question very early on. I expect a straight-forward answer so that I can have the information I need to make an informed decision about continuing with the relationship.
If one is not asked, I would agree, do it when comfortable- but err on the side of sooner rather than later. Give them the opportunity to have the information, ask questions if necessary, and make their own decision as to whether or not they want to proceed. Nope, you can't control their reaction- just be as matter of fact as possible.
What is the best way to phrase it?
*I can't drive, handle my own finances and have some executive functioning deficits caused by brain damage I acquired at birth.
*I will never be able to handle my own finances or drive, so two big things I can't just blurt out.
I know that this is not a very helpful answer- but honestly, I don't believe that there is a "best way" that will be applicable for all people that you will meet.
As I said, I ask straight out, very early on. However, chances are very likely that you will not have such an opening with the vast majority of people you meet.
With that said, I will say that generally the balancing is between the extremes of throwing all the "crap" out initially and waiting until a time where the other person is resentful that you didn't tell them earlier. If it were me, I would err on the side of setting it out on the early side. Also, if I were on the receiving end of this information, I'd appreciate it being set forth something like, "are you familiar at all with _____?"- and starting the discussion that way (rather than starting with how you are adversely affected by it). Obviously, you will be telling them about your limitations, but I think that starting it this way will probably be more productive.
At the end of it, yes, you will have to accept that people are going to make their own choices. But, I think putting it out there in the most "accessible" way possible for the other person would be in your best interest.
If you find a person who is interested in you, when do you make them aware of any non obvious disabilities? And how do you do it so they don't go running to the hills?
I tried coming up with all my negative attributes and put them out there (of course, those are just from my perspective, the other person's going to come with a whole set of their own!) because I don't believe in pretending to be everything the other person always dreamed of when you know no one's going to be able to be anything like that to someone else. Each person's going to have to see if the negatives outweigh the positives and go from there. Still, there's some things that a person will not want to have anything to do with. For example, if in his view a girlfriend with the tendency to be depressed is something that he could just not deal with then he could have said, "Ok, thanks but no thanks". At least it doesn't come as a surprise later on down the road when our emotions have become entangled and there are a lot more memories to try to forget.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brodi
And how do you do it so they don't go running to the hills?
Not sure that can be guaranteed, but I just told him in the same manner as I normally talked to him (it was in an instant message, but the way I normally instant-messaged him--actually, he was able to pick up my "tone" from my messages to him. He could tell instantly if I was having a bad day by the way I wrote).
I think it varies with the person because for me most first dates never become second ones so there is no need to say anything. When it's obvious that you want to continue dating you say something pretty quick b/c it's unfair to let another person start to develop feelings and then drop a bomb.
I would frame it a little more positively. Maybe how you have worked around the problem in order to function as close to normal as possible.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
I know that this is not a very helpful answer- but honestly, I don't believe that there is a "best way" that will be applicable for all people that you will meet.
As I said, I ask straight out, very early on. However, chances are very likely that you will not have such an opening with the vast majority of people you meet.
With that said, I will say that generally the balancing is between the extremes of throwing all the "crap" out initially and waiting until a time where the other person is resentful that you didn't tell them earlier. If it were me, I would err on the side of setting it out on the early side. Also, if I were on the receiving end of this information, I'd appreciate it being set forth something like, "are you familiar at all with _____?"- and starting the discussion that way (rather than starting with how you are adversely affected by it). Obviously, you will be telling them about your limitations, but I think that starting it this way will probably be more productive.
At the end of it, yes, you will have to accept that people are going to make their own choices. But, I think putting it out there in the most "accessible" way possible for the other person would be in your best interest.
Wish you the best.
school and work and relationship stuff, and most of all with trying to get some assistance.
I like this answer. They've all been good but this one really nails it. I especially like the "are you familiar with" approach. It eases into what will likely be a slightly uncomfortable conversation for both parties, and gives the other person room to ask questions and make sense of what he or she is hearing at their own pace. So I second this advice, OP.
I've read some of your other posts OP, and I sympathize with your efforts to work through the various ways your disability affects your life, and especially with your frustration with entities that are "helping" you. I work for a private agency that gets referrals from our voc rehab office. I see how they operate and I know it has to be frustrating for someone trying to find services. To be honest, though, sometimes we're part of the problem. All I can say is that reading about some of your frustrations reminds me that we're not looking at a referral packet or a case, but a person we're supposed to help, or if we can't help, to be honest and timely about that.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
