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As you've gotten older, have you found yourself wishing for a partner more like you in personality, away from for example any earlier opposites-attract or lust-first instincts?
Not similarity in interests per se, but similar thinking and other basic facets of personality.
Experience taught me that some differences in philosophy and beliefs create insurmountable problems. Core values should align. We need to be a team, share priorities, and not pull in opposite directions.
And it is hard to find that when one does not even have much understanding about who they are, what they believe, or where they want their own life to go. A lot of this explains completely how and why I got into a bad marriage at a young age, and got into a much better one in my 30s.
Oh absolutely. When I was younger I didn't even think about that in the men I dated.
I was really only interested in One Thing. I was in to having fun and don't bog me down with a whole lot of depressing grown-up stuff. I wasn't interested in their outlook on life. I was shallow but part of it was that I didn't know my own outlook on life yet.
My husband changed all that. We became grown-ups together over the last 40+ years.
And while not lock-step our values are as compatible as we are in other areas.
First off, great discussion topic for the forum . It’s bit difficult to answer this as people do change over time and with them preferences will change as well.
I don’t believe opposites attract in a relationship, but I also think a 100% personality match makes it hard for you to adjust with any imperfections, which on the long run isn’t a good thing if you hope to get a better worldview. There is a healthy mix of personality match to differences, and it’s hard to put an exact number to this, but I think a 80% same vs 20% different is probably close to the personality similarities vs differences someone expects in a relationship.
Experience taught me that some differences in philosophy and beliefs create insurmountable problems. Core values should align. We need to be a team, share priorities, and not pull in opposite directions.
And it is hard to find that when one does not even have much understanding about who they are, what they believe, or where they want their own life to go. A lot of this explains completely how and why I got into a bad marriage at a young age, and got into a much better one in my 30s.
That has always been a top priority in my dating. I include values and attitudes in personality. It has served me well in finding good relationships, although my first wife was a huge failure (determining her real attitude towards sex - negative - became a deal breaker).
As you've gotten older, have you found yourself wishing for a partner more like you in personality, away from for example any earlier opposites-attract or lust-first instincts?
Not similarity in interests per se, but similar thinking and other basic facets of personality.
I often wish for a partner that had a more positive outlook on sex.
I often wish for a partner that had a more positive outlook on sex.
That is hardly personality, but I think it's another wish that becomes more important to people for a while, after akin to mismatched personalities, they learn from experience that libido mismatches are harmful.
I've always looked for similarity in personality. It's nice to know that it's common for others to catch up on that as they grow older, sometimes as a result of getting to know themselves better, as one person pointed out.
Differences are fine. Where I draw the line is selfishness. This can be applied to every area of the relationship or marriage. Shared goals are important. Having other goals that fit in there are fine and different hobbies are fine. A healthy sex life is fantastic.
In all these areas learning how to give and take and support each other is important without losing the bigger picture. I think that's what commitment means. What's the point of being with someone when you hardly agree with them or the other person is so selfish and self-absorbed that they are no longer in tune with you or your future together?
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. It’s bit difficult to answer this as people do change over time and with them preferences will change as well.
