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I was horrifically depressed for the couple of years that I was a mom at home without a job, too. I did keep the house very clean but the depression was awful, awful. Dragging myself out of bed yet one more day to scrub offal off every possible surface knowing I'd get zero thanks while my husband want to work, came home and was told by the whole world what a wonderful, hard worker he was...there were days I literally just wanted to jump off a building. I was even on medication. It was awful. Just awful.
I never, ever, ever, ever, ever want to be in that position again. I now work from home. I work daily. NOTHING else would work for me but this...minimum. I actually make money and I actually have some "pull" in this way. Nothing else made my husband respect me, you could have performed surgery on the kitchen floor at that time and he still wouldn't have respected a single thing I did, IT WAS HELL. I used to eye the bottle of antidepressants and fantasize about taking them all and driving off some place where nobody would find me for, you know, long enough.
The irony is now that I do LESS cleaning (though my house is still always at least neat...generally, neater than any of my friends' homes, I just don't like messiness), I now get MORE respect. I could have worked then until I died at cleaning and would have gotten zero respect...from anyone...it didn't matter. I'd never trade that time again, which is a shame as that's when my kids were little...that time will never come again. The memories that could have been good are entirely overshadowed by my misery over how things were and though this may seem extreme, I know I'm not alone in this reaction...I've heard it from other women (it always seems to be women???)...some are just quieter about it than others.
Of course, I have no idea whether this is the OP's situation...just commenting on the whole depression possibility.
I was horrifically depressed for the couple of years that I was a mom at home without a job, too. I did keep the house very clean but the depression was awful, awful. Dragging myself out of bed yet one more day to scrub offal off every possible surface knowing I'd get zero thanks while my husband want to work, came home and was told by the whole world what a wonderful, hard worker he was...there were days I literally just wanted to jump off a building. I was even on medication. It was awful. Just awful.
I never, ever, ever, ever, ever want to be in that position again. I now work from home. I work daily. NOTHING else would work for me but this...minimum. I actually make money and I actually have some "pull" in this way. Nothing else made my husband respect me, you could have performed surgery on the kitchen floor at that time and he still wouldn't have respected a single thing I did, IT WAS HELL. I used to eye the bottle of antidepressants and fantasize about taking them all and driving off some place where nobody would find me for, you know, long enough.
The irony is now that I do LESS cleaning (though my house is still always at least neat...generally, neater than any of my friends' homes, I just don't like messiness), I now get MORE respect. I could have worked then until I died at cleaning and would have gotten zero respect...from anyone...it didn't matter. I'd never trade that time again, which is a shame as that's when my kids were little...that time will never come again. The memories that could have been good are entirely overshadowed by my misery over how things were and though this may seem extreme, I know I'm not alone in this reaction...I've heard it from other women (it always seems to be women???)...some are just quieter about it than others.
Of course, I have no idea whether this is the OP's situation...just commenting on the whole depression possibility.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique
This makes me sad.
Alas, it's not all that uncommon. There are givers and there are takers, and there is a certain kind of taker who, when he sees a woman doing something remotely service-oriented or akin to caregiving, starts seeing her as subservient and somehow less-than, or starts taking advantage of her. Women can do this, too, of course, but I hear it more from women than about women. Whether it's because SAHM's don't earn money and money is what these guys respect, or they see running a home as a lot easier than it really is, some good ol' boys lose respect for women who do what they consider to be "women's work." These are usually the same asshats who managed to do their own laundry and clean their own toilets when they were bachelors and then develop what I call "post-honeymoon amnesia."
Thing is, a lot of people who work from home don't get respect, either--even the ones who make bank. A common complaint among freelancers is that people assume that just because they're home, they're not "really" working, or they have time to run errands "real quick," clean "since you're there, anyway," chauffeur kids around, and--one of my greatest sources of aggravation with an ex-SO--field a million phone calls and interruptions. The struggle is real!
And you're 100% sure that she's not depressed? The reason I ask is because when I got laid off the last two times, the depression was very, very bad - situational, yes, but still VERY bad.
Terry I was going to say the exact same thing as Missy. Chances are she has lost confidence and is going through some form of depression. Losing a job could really humble even the toughest people so I'll caution you to think of your partners well being and for now, ignore the condition of the house. If it really bugs you, clean up. Marriage is about filling in where the other may be lacking.
I certainly wouldn't give up on my wife in a situation like this. What I will however try to do, is get her to live again. When you get home from work..cook together. Clean together. Go to the gym, bike, whatever. Activities that temporarily releases stress and removes the both of you from the home. The minute she starts feeling better about her self again, normalcy will be restored. And don't be bashful about joining her in the job search. After all, this is the person you've chosen to be your life partner. What's a messy home in the grand scheme of things, if she is slowly dying on the inside?
"Do you want us to talk to your wife?...poor woman she must be going through depression..."
Even your comment on page one suggests it is not really HER fault 100% but something that the husband did like making her angry or made her feel underappreciated. Not exactly the same things that are posted when a woman is the one complaining about a man not doing household chores.
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No indeed, in my very first post on this thread, my very first postulation was that if she's always been lazy she always will be. In fact, I literally said "lazy."
Please go back and re-read.
Then I suggested depression but stated that might not be it, I was just throwing things out there. And I asked for more details as it's impossible to say; at this point we're all really just guessing. More info might help.
I definitely didn't say she MUST be going through depression, it wasn't even the first possibility I brought up.
Nor did I say her husband must have "made" her angry, but that she may be angry. People get angry at one another for all sorts of reasons.
Sometimes, we see what we want to see and what will further our own worldview that we are attached to and don't want to lose. In an odd sort of way, our grudges become our very good friends, and we can not bear to part with them. Indeed, even when the contrary is staring us in the face, we can not, or won't see it.
When I lost my job for the first time, it took me a bit of time to get myself out of it. I was depressed. Didn't want to do anything. Yeh.. the house chores fell by the way side. I think this is normal for someone who was unprepared for it as I was. Unfortunately, this was the beginning of two years of unemployment.
After I worked my self out of it.... the next two years (and part-time jobs), the house was spotless. It was important that I needed a routine to keep going. I didn't let myself say "what's next?" because my entire day was already pre-planned. It wasn't just filled with housework but other things that were enjoyable, stuff that was relatively easy to complete within a day, and fulfilling. Sometimes it was simply learning a something new.. like a new recipe. Celebrate small accomplishments.
I have run into people that had an even more difficult time getting out of that rut. Perhaps the OPs wife is stuck in this mode. I'll tell you one thing. If the wife is having a difficult time at home jobless, she is most likely not effectively looking for a job either. The job search is way more difficult emotionally and mentally than housework. I'd rather do housework.
She needs to feel like she has a purpose rather than stuck relegated or demoted to a life of housework... and feel so as a couple. I know you work but you should join in and do some lightweight chores in the evening/weekend together as a couple. Not you by yourself.... not her by herself... but both of you together. Help her fill her day and establish a routine (again not all housework). Celebrate the little accomplishments.
Try not to sound pushy or demanding but rather supportive/patient. Depressed people often experience self-loathing and while "tough-love" might seem like you are helping often it simply re-enforces those self-loathing feelings.
Now if she has always been like this.... lazy.. not driven. I'm afraid you married her and you gotta find a way to live with it or move on. People only change with a lot of self-motivation which she doesn't seem to possess... even then it is rare.
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