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What ultimatum? Tell him this decision has nothing to do with him - and it shouldn't. If you find a house that is perfect for you and your kids, and you've saved for it, then you need to make the move - otherwise you risk losing it, and waiting for the next house. Take him OUT of this decision. He has many many issues yet to get straight, and you've only been together 1.5 years (read NOT VERY LONG), you've no idea what the future holds. You need to put yourself and your kids first. There is no ultimatum. He can come visit, you can visit him...whatever. I honestly don't see why you think you need to "wait" for a man (and a proposal) to move forward with your life. He can move forward with his, in the same direction. Nothing at all says that you have to get married RIGHT NOW. Or even in the next 2 or 3 years. Frankly, he needs to get beyond all the divorce court crap before he even remotely considers another marriage. He actually sounds like he might be a bit needy.
I'm getting the impression that OP is trying to use this I want a house as a way to push him to propose because this wouldn't even be an issue if it was really about her wanting a home for herself & kids. If that was indeed the case she would just do it and figure everything else out later as things went along. She's becoming inpatient that he hasn't proposed yet so she's trying to see what she can do to get him to do it without jeopardizing the relationship.
I would just buy a house on your own. There are kids involved, he is probably still getting over his bad divorce, and you have wanted this for yourself for a long time. If he proposes at some point, then figure it out then. But it never hurts to think about yourself and your kids, you know as well as anyone that there are no guarantees things work out. you still matter, if it was me I would still buy the house. And protect yourself financially in the future if you do get married. And it's not a message you are moving on without him, he hasn't proposed a future together, you are just dating at this point. There is no rush to move in together, especially with kids involved. Honestly I don't know why you have put it off for this long, it sounds like you were ready when you first met to buy a house.
I agree with this. You can speak with him directly and say (without a doubt) that his situation is uncertain and as long as it remains so you need to keep progressing on your plan and until he sorts his financial situation you need to keep your finances separate. In addition, you have your kids to think of and they need a stable home.
Remember you can always trade up when he sorts his court cases. Be up front, tell him what you want to do, solicit his input and unless he proposes something better that you agree with then plan to move ahead and buy.
hello. me and my bf are both in our late 30s, both have 2 kids from previous marriages. we have been together for about a 1 1/2 years.
i had a simple divorce and his was terrible. while they have been separated for a few years they have only recently sorted out all the finances and kids schedules through lots of court trials,
just a few days ago was another court date for more money from him, that was postponed again.. its not ending, she keeps asking for more and more and he keeps going to court. they are officially divorced but there are still financial issues in court
we together have a great relationship. we get along, we enjoy each other company, we can discuss things well and understand each other.. things have been great. we are truly and deeply in love and i am beyond happy with him. (tho the divorce stuff is hard to handle)
he has mentioned marriage, not a proposal, but asked me where id want to have a wedding.. and has said he wants us to live together and to be together all the time. and once said something about how he wanted to get married but wanted me to forget he said that because its supposed to be a surprise.
i honestly dont know for sure that there is going to be a proposal, will it be when court ends? will it ever end? is that the hold up? is it that we havent been together that long? also lawyers are very expensive! these are not questions i am going to ask him, the last thing I want is to pressure him into a proposal after him going through hell to get out of the last one.
i had planned on buying a house before i met him. i have been saving and saving.. when we met things took off well and strong so i figured i should wait, that maybe we can do it together. so here i am, i have the money now and want to move to a house. and... i saw a foreclosure close to my kids school for a great price that i really like! so im feeling antsy!
id like us to do it together, but not if we arent married (and i have told him this in the past at his talk of us moving in together) and i cant afford a house big enough for all 6 of us on my own. i can only for me and my kids or all of us together, committed, that is what makes sense.
he talks of moving in together all the time and i blow it off really because we arent married... i have told him before and i dont want to keep saying well were not married.. its pressure
sure i can wait.. but how long? a year? less? im just sitting here, waiting? waiting for him to propose? what if that doesnt happen.. i just feel like im ready to move forward in my life, im not getting younger.. i have kids to provide a life for. i have goals.. i am ready now but i understand he has a lot on his plate still (still in court and still paying a lawyer) and its not like we have been together for Years.
im not trying to push him but i feel worried sometimes that im stagnant or waiting for something that might take forever
if i go ahead and buy a house for me and my kids only, sends a strong message that im moving on without you and i dont want to do that either.
i just dont know what to do or say.. to wait or just move into a house on my own. i dont want to mess this up with him but i also feels weird just sitting here waiting at my age ..kwim?
thoughts?
Get a home that you can afford yourself that is big enough for you and your children alone.
There is no reason for you to purchase something for yourself with him and his children in mind.
You never know when/if you will be together and mixing finances, purchasing together when not married and in my opinion doing mixing any financials with him is going to be a very bad idea for a long time.
Get a home for you and your children but I also strongly suggest you do not allow him to move in with you for any reason until the issues with his ex-wife are completely settled but if it were me I would never put him on the deed either.
Location: Subconscious Syncope, USA (Northeastern US)
2,365 posts, read 2,149,295 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610
Get a home that you can afford yourself that is big enough for you and your children alone.
There is no reason for you to purchase something for yourself with him and his children in mind.
You never know when/if you will be together and mixing finances, purchasing together when not married and in my opinion doing mixing any financials with him is going to be a very bad idea for a long time.
Get a home for you and your children but I also strongly suggest you do not allow him to move in with you for any reason until the issues with his ex-wife are completely settled but if it were me I would never put him on the deed either.
I agree.
Ninabell, you are moving too fast. Slow down and take a breath. It's not like you are worried about your biological clock running out since you already have 2 kids of your own.
What the hell are you waiting for? In 10 years, you'll be 10 years older, with or without him. Buy your house. For YOU. Not for him, not for his kids. That is HIS deal. Not yours. Let him get his ***** straight and a few years down the road you can figure out if that is what you still want.
This.
You can't make this decision as a "just in case" including three more people. You just can't.
IF down the road the two of you begin to seriously discuss marriage, with a date and the whole bit, THEN you can decide what to do...sell, or whatever. But that's still only an if. The given? The non-changeable? You, and your kids. And that's it.
I think others already touched on what I was going to say, but it all boils down to this: you two are just dating. Nothing more. You aren't married and aren't even engaged. You don't know what the future holds for your relationship. But you do know you've planned for and saved for a house. Continue with your plans and don't put them on hold for what ifs. Don't make life altering decisions or postpone them on those what ifs either and that includes what if you get married, etc. plan for the future as its set in motion now. And if things change down the road and you relationship becomes more serious than just boyfriend girlfriend, then cross that bridge of what to do with housing. Like another poster said, you can always trade up if thing move in that direction.
In the meantime include your boyfriend in the house hunt. It could be a fun thing to do together and you may learn more about each other. Plus, he will be part of the process and not set apart. Good luck with the hunt!
hello. me and my bf are both in our late 30s, both have 2 kids from previous marriages. we have been together for about a 1 1/2 years.
i had a simple divorce and his was terrible. while they have been separated for a few years they have only recently sorted out all the finances and kids schedules through lots of court trials,
just a few days ago was another court date for more money from him, that was postponed again.. its not ending, she keeps asking for more and more and he keeps going to court. they are officially divorced but there are still financial issues in court
we together have a great relationship. we get along, we enjoy each other company, we can discuss things well and understand each other.. things have been great. we are truly and deeply in love and i am beyond happy with him. (tho the divorce stuff is hard to handle)
he has mentioned marriage, not a proposal, but asked me where id want to have a wedding.. and has said he wants us to live together and to be together all the time. and once said something about how he wanted to get married but wanted me to forget he said that because its supposed to be a surprise.
i honestly dont know for sure that there is going to be a proposal, will it be when court ends? will it ever end? is that the hold up? is it that we havent been together that long? also lawyers are very expensive! these are not questions i am going to ask him, the last thing I want is to pressure him into a proposal after him going through hell to get out of the last one.
i had planned on buying a house before i met him. i have been saving and saving.. when we met things took off well and strong so i figured i should wait, that maybe we can do it together. so here i am, i have the money now and want to move to a house. and... i saw a foreclosure close to my kids school for a great price that i really like! so im feeling antsy!
id like us to do it together, but not if we arent married (and i have told him this in the past at his talk of us moving in together) and i cant afford a house big enough for all 6 of us on my own. i can only for me and my kids or all of us together, committed, that is what makes sense.
he talks of moving in together all the time and i blow it off really because we arent married... i have told him before and i dont want to keep saying well were not married.. its pressure
sure i can wait.. but how long? a year? less? im just sitting here, waiting? waiting for him to propose? what if that doesnt happen.. i just feel like im ready to move forward in my life, im not getting younger.. i have kids to provide a life for. i have goals.. i am ready now but i understand he has a lot on his plate still (still in court and still paying a lawyer) and its not like we have been together for Years.
im not trying to push him but i feel worried sometimes that im stagnant or waiting for something that might take forever
if i go ahead and buy a house for me and my kids only, sends a strong message that im moving on without you and i dont want to do that either.
i just dont know what to do or say.. to wait or just move into a house on my own. i dont want to mess this up with him but i also feels weird just sitting here waiting at my age ..kwim?
thoughts?
What's his living situation now? Is he pressuring to move in with you? You keep saying that he talks of moving in together 'all the time'.
You are taking a lot of unnecessary stress on your shoulders i.e. buying a house for six people.
Buy the house if you want. Move in - with your kids only.
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Tell him this decision has nothing to do with him - and it shouldn't. If you find a house that is perfect for you and your kids, and you've saved for it, then you need to make the move - otherwise you risk losing it, and waiting for the next house. Take him OUT of this decision. He has many many issues yet to get straight, and you've only been together 1.5 years (read NOT VERY LONG), you've no idea what the future holds. You need to put yourself and your kids first. There is no ultimatum. He can come visit, you can visit him...whatever. I honestly don't see why you think you need to "wait" for a man (and a proposal) to move forward with your life. He can move forward with his, in the same direction. Nothing at all says that you have to get married RIGHT NOW. Or even in the next 2 or 3 years. Frankly, he needs to get beyond all the divorce court crap before he even remotely considers another marriage. He actually sounds like he might be a bit needy.
