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I (29 m) am in a pretty ****ed up situation in which I fell in love with my best friend (26 f) but have never told her what I feel. She broke up with her boyfriend a year ago and some months later we began to travel and our friendship became better and better. Since we are both single, a lot of people think that we are in a relationship, but this was never a topic between us, although I discovered that I love her about a year ago. Since then I tried to do my very best to make our time together the best it could be. I really think that we could fit as a couple, because she has some "flaws" of which she knows that not many people "like" them, but I do. And we always have great fun together and can talk about serious things as well. She calls me every day and I am one of the very few persons she trusts and I think I am important to her.
The problem is that she hates romantic stuff, physical closeness and overall thinks that relationships only hold her back and that they cut her freedom. And beside of that I already did everything I can think of to show her that I deeply care for her but I never got a positive response which went beyond "friendship".
I really feel bad about this situation since I enjoy spending time with her but it hurts at the same time for obvious reasons. I can't move forward and start dating other girls and I feel kinda depressed for quite a few months already. I know that if I tell her that I love her she would tell me in a nice way that she doesn't feel the same / doesn't want a relationship.
But I also think that I need to end this somehow and I can't think of a different solution than just telling her what I feel and get rejected by her (which is certain), so that I don't need to think about "what if...". I am still afraid that this could hurt our friendship. I think she wouldn't make drama out of that but it could still be awkward and beside of that telling her that I love her and already know the answer is also hard to take.
tl;dr: I love my best friend (26 f) but never told her. I know nearly 100% that she would reject me when I tell her that I love her, but still consider this option to escape from this situation because it keeps making me feel bad.
Mod note, June 4, 2016: Two threads on the same topic have been merged into this one thread. If some posts seem out of order or redundant, that is why.
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Sounds like it could be a mess. I'd tell her if you really want, but I'd move on if she doesn't feel the same way. I mean, you can still be friends with her if you're okay with that and not anything more. But I'd move on and look for other females to pursue, should that happen.
@Wmsn4Life And what are these ways? I already tried different things since nearly a year now.
@Runninglikethieves Staying friends while feeling better / relieved is the ultimate goal, because I think it is nearly 100% certain that I will get a no.
@Suburban_Guy Thanks, I will read through this topic, but It is different from my situation. There is no other guy she likes and it is less about seriously asking if she feels the same (I am pretty sure she doesn't), but just to escape from this mess I'm in for nearly a year already.
@Runninglikethieves Staying friends while feeling better / relieved is the ultimate goal, because I think it is nearly 100% certain that I will get a no.
Confessing your feelings to her might be a weight off your shoulders, but if you're right in that she'll reject you and be uncomfortable around you, how will that be making things better from her perspective?
BTW, when we talk about how the friendzone is something that people do to themselves, this is Exhibit A.
Confessing to her might be a weight off your shoulders, but if you're right in that she'll reject you and be uncomfortable around you, how will that be making things better from her perspective?
BTW, when we talk about how the friendzone is something that people do to themselves, this is Exhibit A.
Yep.
OP, you have two realistic choices.
1) Withdraw from your friendship since your feelings are tainting things.
2) Use cognitive behavioral methods to train yourself NOT to think about these feelings you think you're having. It includes mindfulness and basically forcing yourself to think about something else when you think about her.
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 05-02-2016 at 03:02 PM..
Reason: Hilarious typo
Confessing to her might be a weight off your shoulders, but if you're right in that she'll reject you and be uncomfortable around you, how will that be making things better from her perspective?
BTW, when we talk about how the friendzone is something that people do to themselves, this is Exhibit A.
1) Withdraw from your friendship since your feelings are tainting things.
2) Use cognitive behavioral methods to train yourself NOT to think about these feelings you think you're having. It includes mindfulness and basically forcing yourself to think about something else when you honk about her.
I tried that many times. As an example: We went to Paris last year and I prepared a table in a nice restaurant, bought a small gift for her and tickets for a really expensive musical show with champagne and all the stuff as a surprise. To be honest it was nothing a normal friend would do, it was more like something that you would do when you want to ask her if she wants to marry you. So it must have been kinda obvious what I was trying to tell her and I told myself that I will stop after this weekend if I still get no respond. I mean she is absolutely not the romantic type of girl and probably pretty "blind" in this regard, but at least I made it super easy for her to make a step if she wanted.
Anyways, I was obviously not able to stop.
I also tried to just treat her normally, just like a friend. Not looking too much at her, not compliment her, not making gifts, overall less attention for her. It just made me feel worse and in an extreme way so I couldn't stand this for a single day every time I tried. I rather keep trying than forcing me to stop, because it hurts much more at the moment.
Withdraw from this friendship is not an option. I value her way too much as a friend and I still would after a 'no'. Beside of that a 'no' would not make me mad about her, because I have already accepted this answer (at least I think so) since I think it is almost certain...
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