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Scroll to the end for the Too Long; Didn't Read version.
I'm 30 right now.
I lived in Nashville TN for 2 years from May 2013 through July 2015.
Met a girl around Nov 2014 after coming off a long relationship and a few short ones/dating.
So we met in Nashville but she really lived about 2 hrs away in West TN. We went out a few times in Nashville as she would come for doctor visits and stayed with family.
After a few dates, we really liked each other and we spent the rest of our time in TN visiting each other on weekends or whenever we had free time. There were way more trips on my end to see her as I had money at the time so I'd go to her place on Friday after work and drive back into work Monday morning.
Also note that she is bipolar 2 and has depression but takes medications to help her.
Our relationship progressed and we were considering moving in together. She is very religious and while she has lived with someone before, she was on the fence about living with someone before marriage. Around May 2015 I decided to quit my job for various reasons but eventually found an opportunity with a lot of growth potential which is currently in Phoenix AZ so I talked it over with her. Her sister and nephews live in AZ so it was a plus for her that she wasn't going to be completely without family.
We moved together to AZ in July 2015.
I feel Our relationship has been the best one I've been in, and she told me she felt the same. We both don't cheat or wouldn't even think about it (not that I'm that kind of person but I have had trust issues in past relationships), we both live healthy-ish lifestyles and I've supported her in trying different diets like gluten-free, paleo etc to help with her goals, we respect each other's intellect and generally had a fun relationship.
She is not perfect but nothing terrible. I mean what bad things could I say about her? She's less than tidy and I'm a clean freak, she sometimes lacks emotion with being excited about things, initiating intimacy but I understand and hardly should fault her.
One thing became apparent, I'm hot headed and can get mad about very minor things, I was like this in the past relationship I had which lasted 3 years but it was also an unhealthy relationship with a girl who I didn't really trust so I didn't realize some of it was me.
Nevertheless over the past 1.5 years there have been a few arguments and misunderstandings that have mostly been okay. The problem is that about 3-4 weeks ago we had some boiling arguments.
The job I'm currently working isn't as well paying as my last one; basically what keeps me going is the opportunity, which is around the corner. About 2 months ago I started working overtime to get ahead of bills/debt, started to feel exhausted every day. I noticed I was more grumpy.
So we got into 2 fights almost a few days apart. They were about VERY minor things, the first one dragged on because instead of me apologizing right away and understanding that there was nothing to argue about, I was being stubborn and I slept on the couch. Because of that, the next day we continued arguing after I got home from work, and I was only dragging on the argument because of me being upset and blaming her for dragging it on. Does this make sense? lol
Nothing physical with any of the fights since I would never do that. But as part of her bipolar issues, she sometimes scratches herself when she gets really upset.
We had a second argument similar to this just a few days later.
Both arguments had us both threatening to end the relationship (though deep down I really regret this and of course never really wanted to end it) but eventually reconciling and both of us apologizing.
I thought it'd be okay..
So around 5/10 or 5/11 middle of the week, she started feeling very anxious for a few days and not eating. I again apologized and told her that I'm sorry that it got that bad, it sounded like she understood and said we should go to couples counseling. I thought it was an okay idea but I was so stressed at the time with other bills/debt that I shut it down and said that we can look into it again soon when we are in a better position financially. This was a big mistake... though I didn't get it.
So 5/13 Friday I knew we had a rough week and wanted to take her to dinner and maybe try to have a fun weekend.
I came home and her stuff was gone, her sister came to help her take everything away, and she took a plane that day, which I found out she ordered the day before.
She told me it was the hardest thing she had to do, she never left a relationship still loving someone but felt that the problems were too bad, didn't know how I'd react if she confronted me and was scared.
Over the next few days and up to today I've felt terrible, she basically stated that there was no more us. After a little bit, I did what I could to try to convince her things would be different,
I did go to one of those group anger management sessions right after she left but it's mostly filled with parolees, not people who actually want to help themselves, so right now my plan is to go to individual therapy and I also offered to go to couples counseling; whatever it takes. I told her I understand the improvements I need to make and that we need to make together.
She's opened up more to wanting to stay in touch and we've been texting almost every day, I helped her with her math homework over the phone one day also. But she's pretty much decided that she needs to try to be independent as she's not really been on her own for a while due to relationships and she wants to focus on her music, work, relationship with God and going to her psychologist.
She said she wants to maybe try to do a long distance relationship for a while, before even considering moving back in with me. She says she sees a future for us but wants to stay home, she'll be faithful and we'll visit each other.
The problem for me is that from what she's said, she doesn't know how long this could be as she works on herself and her independence. It definitely isn't a month or 2 thing, from what I gather could be 6 months-1 year.
I love her but I also think this is unfair. She even said that if the arguments just went a little differently, it may not have been like this or if I didn't shoot down her idea on counseling and tried to fix things right away. So my thinking is, I'm wanting to work on fixing things now. Knowing the issues, I think we need to work on them together, not apart as I feel this only regresses the relationship..
Without her I feel lonely. I know I can eventually get over that feeling but the only way to get over that for me is to either move on or have her come back.
I'm driving through TN later this week as I will be headed to visit my own family. I'm going to try to talk to her some more, the first time in person since she left.
My question is, if she still refuses to come back to me, but wants to maintain a long distance relationship (likely 6+ months) with visits ($$$) along the way, should I try to do that or should I tell her no and let our relationship end forever?
Too Long; Didn't Read version:
1.5 year relationship ends with girl leaving, going back home to family---now wants to try long-distance relationship as we sort out issues and she works on personal improvement. This could be more than 6 months. Move on or try long-distance??
BTW, I'm not just a lurker/one and done poster, I reply and will check back on the thread.
move on. long distance relationships generally dont work. there are exceptions, but if you have issues now, an LDR will put excessive amounts of stress on the relationship.
Move on. I don't believe a relationship that didn't work would be helped by trying to do it long distance. That's going from bad to worse.
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Honestly, the Bipolar part would have me running. Borderline Personality Disorder destroyed my marriage and now my kids have a mom that is not completely reliable and can't handle having my teenage son at all and can only handle our younger daughters for about 36 hours before problems start. Serious mental health issues are brutal and while it sounds mean to say, I would stay away for your own sake and for any future children.
I thought with her being Bi-polar she would be the problem. I'm now leaning toward you and your anger issues being the problem. Especially with, as you put it, seemingly minor things.
It's over Bro. Your made a go of it and she left. The chances of her coming back for a second try and you guys actually making it work is not good.
I'd run (or stay where you are as it were) and focus on yourself and your career. You'll meet someone else. A year and a half seems like a long time but it's a drop in a bucket in the big scheme of things.
You have to believe she is not coming back. I'd say the odds are heavily weighted against you. I would also suggest you think hard to determine if the two of you together really constitutes a healthy relationship, considering the issues each of you have.
By the way, I applaud your efforts to seek therapy for anger management. What has/is she doing to address her BPD?
It's time to move on. If she really wanted to work things out, she would make more of a commitment to her return as you work through your anger issues, but it sounds like she is content to run away from trouble. Something to keep in mind if you continue talking to her.
I know this isn't what the OP wants to do, but he needs to cut all losses and run.
I say that because threads like these are less for 'advice' and more for venting and seeking moral support for wanting to continue with their relationship. That's because these people are in a cloud of hurt and emotional distress and cannot think clearly what the best option is for them.
There are so many issues with this relationship that clearly the best thing to do is to have self respect and move on to something a lot more healthy.
It's never a good feeling or good thing when you are the one being dumped. You suddenly lost that power. So when you basically grovel and beg for the other person to come back, it makes you look weak. And if the other person does come back, what makes you think they won't do it again? They certainly will never respect you again deep down inside.
And this lady has other issues including the bipolar thing. Another volatile problem.
When you're going to therapy to deal with anger problems and getting into arguments that blow up out of proportion, that is not a healthy relationship at all.
Why would you want to play along with the mind games this woman is playing? Long distance 'relationship?'
Come on guy, I know you're in a world of hurt now and can't think clearly, but hopefully in the long run you'll eventually see that no person is worth sacrificing your dignity and self respect for in order to maintain the illusion of a 'relationship.'
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