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Long time CD poster in local forums, but created this name to protect my anonymity. This is a very sad story with no happy ending possible.
I suppose I just want to share these things in a safe environment. A little history:
Two prior divorces for me (including a teenage marriage I try not to hold against my record too harshly).
Three priors for her. No common children between us; all kids are grown and many have their own families.
It's been over 16 years we tried to make this work but it isn't and I can say now it didn't.
I'm a successful traveling salesman who resisted temptation for all these years until now.
I have to say I wanted an opportunity to show itself for the past 5 years, I really did. Just never pursued anything. And now it happened...and I'm pretty much okay with it.
Why did happen? I've harbored hidden resentment toward her for many years. Smoking, drinking to excess and taking on a Mrs Hyde persona when she does. No violence or abuse between us but way too much harsh tones and hateful words. I'm not innocent of my share as well but there's so much about her I dislike anymore. My income has allowed her to retire from working in her fifties. She spends her time addicted to online games and ridiculous TV shows. Most of those shows she's not even watching. They just make noise in the background that irritates me to no end. I'm not kidding you. Some of those shows and their stupid laugh tracks make me crazy! Yes, I've tried talking to her about it. I'm just told to stop being so judgmental and that life with me is no day at the beach either.
Yes, we were both smoking when we met in the 90s. Me socially, her seriously. More than ten years ago I stopped cold turkey after seeing a few family members die from the effects of lifetimes of smoking. I've tried countless times to get her to stop. Despite patches, prescriptions and promises, she's never stopped for 24 hours. I know I can't convince or motivate that behavior. It has to come from her and I'm convinced it won't. Sadly, I've had thoughts of just waiting for her to die but that could take 20 more years.
She's completely unhealthy. COPD causes a God awful cough at night. Severe osteoporosis results in brittle bones in her fifties. She got really drunk a couple years back, at home, while I was on the way home from a business trip. I arrived just in time to witness her fall and break a hip. The scene was horrific with her losing her bodily functions and refusing to let me help. Telling me to go to bed and leave her alone. After an hour I told her I was calling an ambulance. She might have died had I not been home to find her. The resulting surgery and lifestyle changes have ruined our sex life. I tried to adapt to the restricted movement and pain she incurred during sex but then she gradually refused any advances, except maybe once a month. When it would happen, it was so impersonal, I lost interest. This increased the resentment factors.
Many times we spoke of ending it. Almost always at night, when she's been drinking. Sometimes angrily, sometimes quite matter of factly. The next morning she would always come to me and ask to try again, committing to try harder, change, etc. I would acquiesce, mostly because I just didn't want the financial ruin that would accompany a divorce. But that stance is quickly changing.
We recently took a vacation to try to reconnect. It failed miserably. All she wanted to do was smoke and drink. Despite a romantic setting and no distractions, there wasn't a moment of closeness. When we returned, I mentally checked out.
My next business trip included the most unexpected, impromptu meeting I could ever dream up. The mutual attraction was unmistakable and powerful. Big shock, that night ended in the most passionate sex I have known in a very, very long time. It was the first time I'd ever crossed that line. I came away with no guilt. Quite the opposite, actually. I felt accomplished. I feel like I got my mojo back. I started working out the next day and have kept it up daily. I'm feeling young and vital and happy. This other woman is also married and has young children, so it's not anything I would pursue long term. We talk daily but she's thousands of miles from me. But this lit a fire in me that will not go down. I think it was inevitable to occur with someone. And it will likely repeat with her or others now that I've tasted the forbidden fruit. Just being honest.
So I suppose I need to come to grips with how to finally end this marriage. I will likely have to pay her thousands of dollars a month and give up half of my pension. It's going to result in me having to work for many more years than I planned. I was hoping to be done in ten years. It sucks. Yes, it's partly my own fault, I get it. But what led me down this road was a two way street. This financial piece was going to hurt me, with or without infidelity. It's just how the law works when one spouse is employed and the other is not for most of the marriage.
It's a blessing we have no kids under the roof but even the adult children on both sides and their kids will be devastated to hear of the breakup. There's no easy way to do this. The alternative is to live a lie but in terms of how I feel about her, but I've been doing that for too many years already.
It sounds like both of you are guilty of seeing a problem in front of you, but not taking near enough interest to really do anything about it.
She sounds like she has an addictive personality. That is not a problem she is capable of resolving on her own, so she needs your support to figure out how to climb out of that hole. Has there been counseling; an intervention; anything to get her some type of help for her? If you did love her, at some point, then all possibilities should have been exhausted. Instead, it appears you are enabling her.
She is certainly not without fault, but there are two people in the marriage and both of you should be fighting for each other.
I'm sorry about your marriage going down the drain. I won't support cheating, necessarily, but it's obvious you have been resenting one another for years. Things were going to come to a head one way or another. I hope you both find happiness from hereon out.
Please - quit with the affair and sneaking around. Be honest. I am NOT saying start bragging to her about how your sex life has improved, just get a divorce. Put it in motion. Separate from this marriage honorably and as minimally hurtful as possible. THEN go work on your "mojo". Nobody deserves that kind of betrayal, and I don't care HOW unhealthy they are or how they got that way.
Live a truthful life. Betraying your wife is not truthful living. You seem proud of cheating. I find that distasteful.
I didn't get this out of his post. I didn't feel like the OP was proud of himself. I do think he was giving plenty of "supporting evidence" as to "why" he did it. He feels guilty, I'm sure, and that's why. But the bottom line is that obviously, this marriage was going down the drain, nothing was making it better and though I don't think cheating was the way to end things (then again, who the hell am I to say?), I do believe this marriage was GOING to end, based on what the OP has said.
I hope from here they can both move on, separately, and heal.
I am sorry about your marriage and how miserable it makes you feel.
Yes, a divorce will cost you a lot of $$$. But staying will cost you your happiness.
My thoughts? You needed to cheat to realize for yourself that your marriage needs to end asap. Do yourself and your wife a favor and move out today.
(Bolding above is mine)
No, I'm sorry, oh-eve, but no one NEEDS to cheat. No one NEEDS to be a liar. No one NEEDS to be the type of person who breaks vows. No one NEEDS to be that destructive and hurtful to another human being. Period. Full stop. Don't absolve him of his guilt and culpability - that's up to his God, and to a lesser extent, his conscience (assuming he has either one).
No, I'm sorry, oh-eve, but no one NEEDS to cheat. No one NEEDS to be a liar. No one NEEDS to be the type of person who breaks vows. No one NEEDS to be that destructive and hurtful to another human being. Period. Full stop. Don't absolve him of his guilt and culpability - that's up to his God, and to a lesser extent, his conscience (assuming he has either one).
I agree. The OP already knew he wanted out. The cheating wasn't even necessary, really. He could have (and should have) just left, THEN had a relationship (or a quickie or a whatever). He used cheating as his "out". That wasn't correct but the marriage was over, I think they both knew it.
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