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I've been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months now and for the most part it's fantastic! He can always make me laugh and I enjoy spending every moment with him. I've met all of his friends and get along well with them. I also stay at his place nearly every weekend and since he lives at home, I've met his parents and we also get along great. The issue is that the relationship feels like a FWB relationship to me. It's not that there's another girl or anything like that- i am confident that he would never cheat on me. The issue is that the relationship lacks romance. We don't use pet names (I'll call him babe sometimes but he never says anything like it back unless he is making a joke). He never complements me, not even little things like my hair looks nice today. We don't kiss much except as a hello/goodbye kiss or when we are having sex. After sex, there is no cuddling regardless of whether it was amazing or kind of bad. He just turns over and watches a show on his cell phone. He's 21 and I'm his first girlfriend/kiss ever so I'm not sure how much of this is just general ignorance. He does open up to me about things in his life but he never expresses his feelings about us. I don't even really mind the lack of affection since i'm not a very touchy-feely person myself. I just want some validation, for him to say SOMETHING, ANYTHING that indicates his feelings. For christ sakes even a lame hallmark card would make me feel good at this point. I am always such a confident person that I don't know how to handle this insecurity. I don't want to feel like i'm ****ing my best friend, I want to feel like I'm in a relationship with my boyfriend. What do I do?
p.s. i don't mean to make him sound like an insensitive jerk, he's very nice and good to me just not in that romantic/sweet affection-giving kind of way
Talk to him, tell him how you feel used and see what his reaction is. If he cannot change it may be because you expect more maturity from him. Unfortunately first bf/gf kind of scenarios are more for learning what needs to be done in a relationship. I always maintain that men like to know what to do and if it does not get the sparks flying for you, then lay down the law a bit. Say what you want and make sure you get it. If you dont them move on to someone more mature.
Alternatively just enjoy the FWB relationship aspect. I am sure many men would do that if in the same situation and wait for someone else more suitable come along. No-one says you have to stay forever with an unsatisfying relationship. Just make sure you dont get pregnant otherwise you will be stuck and disadvantaged with children.
If you feel taken for granted now, it isn't going to get better as things go on, it will get worse. Here's an idea I've applied and I think its very helpful. Try not to read into his statements and actions, filling in blanks. Take them at face value. From what you said, it sounds like you feel like you're being treated like a hired woman. That could very well be the case. To me it sounds like you're just being used for sex.
I'm just not sure how to go about the conversation. I know he sounds insensitive (which is exactly the word I'd use) but I really don't think he knows that he's being hurtful and since it's more of his inaction than anything else I'm not sure how to address the issue. I don't want to be like, "Hey! can you be more thoughtful?" lol because that kind of defeats the purpose.
It is not the same person. I broke up with my last boyfriend over the distance and started seeing this guy shortly after. I just have a knack for attracting virgins apparently. But unlike my last relationship, I really do think I am in love with him which makes this even harder because I can't help but feel that I am more attached than he is. It's almost a role reversal of last time's situation. I know this guy cares about me, it's not like he gives me the cold shoulder or excludes me from his life but he doesn't show affection like I need him to.
I'm just not sure how to go about the conversation. I know he sounds insensitive (which is exactly the word I'd use) but I really don't think he knows that he's being hurtful and since it's more of his inaction than anything else I'm not sure how to address the issue. I don't want to be like, "Hey! can you be more thoughtful?" lol because that kind of defeats the purpose.
Simple. "I would like to talk about having more affection in our relationship."
You may have to come to the realization that its how he is. Dont go into a relationship and then later on want to change things about him. You could talk with him and tell him what you want and he might do it for a short while, but likely will revert back to how he is.
Men often have different ways of showing their affection. My SO is much like your boyfriend. No real affection. Wouldnt dream of getting me a card. But he takes out the garbage without me asking (we have a farm so its a lot of garbage), gets on the mower when needed, feeds my critters so I can sleep in a little, appreciates when I cook.
Sometimes you have to look a little deeper.
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