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Sorry, but she's just not that into you. You're a solid shoulder for her to cry on. She already friendzoned you. Cut your loss, cut contact with her completely, so you can heal and are ready for someone suitable for you, someone who cares and is into you as you're into her.
Dear one, she has told you that she doesn't love you, yet she wants to keep you dangling until what? Something better comes around? She is manipulating your emotions and keeping you as her plaything. Of course she doesn't want to lose you. Why would she?
You have to decide if you want to be kept on that emotional leash or if you want to move on to someone who actually loves you and has your well being as their first priority. Sex is just that. Personally I would still see her but I would start dating other people. Treat her the way she treats you. Like a FWB, but let her know that you're looking for more with someone else.
Tell her you aren't willing to be in the friend zone. What kind of friendship is that anyway? You need her but you can't have her.
It's time to focus on breaking free and giving yourself permission to find someone else. You'll be surprised how easily the next real girlfriend makes you forget the frustrating details of your current dilemma. Love isn't limited to just one ideal person.
She is telling you she doesn't love you. You should always listen to what they tell you.
In your opinion, is it because she is incapable of loving you right now or is it because she is desperate to hold on to your friendship, but really doesn't have deeper feelings?
How often do you have sex? Is it every time you meet? Not very often? Does she initiate?
If you don't have sex often OR you always have to initiate and it's not very satisfying, that could provide some insight.
You know, this is a question I've tried to look at as objectively as possible. What I have come up with, is that she wants to be in my life just as much as I want to be in hers. Because of her past experiences she's been hurt to the point where she may not completely understand what it is she wants. Although I recognize that that may be wishful thinking on my part. The most confusing part for me, is how devastated she is whenever she talks about me leaving. It's bizarre, like she doesn't get that she's creating the problem she's upset about.
We sleep together two to three times a week, it's really sporadic who starts things. I suppose it's me the majority of the time.
It really is a tough situation, we were friends first. I actually count her as one of my best friends. I'm not sure I could very easily just walk out of her life. That would probably kill one of us. Probably me. The general consensus from outside the internet is to take a step back, let her date someone else, and figure out what she wants.
I've already told her at the end of the day if she wants me more than she wants someone else, she's got her answer. Maybe I should be more assertive on the whole issue? Sort of force her into a place where she needs to pick instead of giving her this open ended "I'll always be there" sort of situation? I don't honestly want to lose her friendship, but at this stage I really don't know how to proceed.
You know, this is a question I've tried to look at as objectively as possible. What I have come up with, is that she wants to be in my life just as much as I want to be in hers. Because of her past experiences she's been hurt to the point where she may not completely understand what it is she wants. Although I recognize that that may be wishful thinking on my part. The most confusing part for me, is how devastated she is whenever she talks about me leaving. It's bizarre, like she doesn't get that she's creating the problem she's upset about.
We sleep together two to three times a week, it's really sporadic who starts things. I suppose it's me the majority of the time.
It really is a tough situation, we were friends first. I actually count her as one of my best friends. I'm not sure I could very easily just walk out of her life. That would probably kill one of us. Probably me. The general consensus from outside the internet is to take a step back, let her date someone else, and figure out what she wants.
I've already told her at the end of the day if she wants me more than she wants someone else, she's got her answer. Maybe I should be more assertive on the whole issue? Sort of force her into a place where she needs to pick instead of giving her this open ended "I'll always be there" sort of situation? I don't honestly want to lose her friendship, but at this stage I really don't know how to proceed.
Dysfunction seeks dysfunction. She is broken. You are broken. The only person you can fix is yourself.
You are setting yourself up for a huge heart ache. Move on. Forget about even being friends with her. Just move on. Your heart will thank me later. You aren't just good enough for her but she's too selfish to let you go either. She'll keep you around until that one guy who is good enough for her and then you'll be left holding an empty bag and a broken heart. The less you invest now, the less the heart ache later.
Maybe I should be more assertive on the whole issue? Sort of force her into a place where she needs to pick instead of giving her this open ended "I'll always be there" sort of situation? I don't honestly want to lose her friendship, but at this stage I really don't know how to proceed.
That won't work out well.
Even if she agrees to marry you, it is obviously not her first choice, right now, and that could lead to resentment.
I didn't read through the threads, so I am sorry for putting you though that again. See, I understand that much. My issue it trying to get around that.
Also, she will say no, I'm certain of that. Unfortunately, I don't think she really is ready for that sort of deal.
My biggest issue is why she wants me so close but keeps pushing me away at the same time. It's an emotional struggle that I can't really deal with. Can I remain her friend?
The girl is a a moving train wreck - perhaps she has self esteem issues and thinks she only deserves bad dudes, perhaps she is recreating childhood trauma in adulthood. Either way you are the one getting played and holding the bag - i.e. being the crutch.
YOU need to set a standard for behavior for your partner and hold them to that standard. You are not happy with things the way things are (2 years is a long time), then tell her the way things have to be. If she waffles then stop talking with her. That's right cut her right out and ignore her. You set the behavior bar and she needs to get up to it. That what you do with bad habits in order to stop them.
This a long story, at least in my opinion. I thank you in advance for making it all the way through.
I work as an Upper-Mid level manager in retail. I met a girl four years ago in the morning on my first day on the job. She was spectacular, everything about her seemed to draw my attention. Her laugh, the way she smiled. Everything. So of course, I had to get to know her. I decided I need to be friends with this person.
I approached her, and tried to make conversation about some work project. This did not go well. Instead of a response I got a near death glare, and I took that as my hint to take off. Fast forwards about a year, the entire time I left her to her own devices, I did my thing got promoted and transferred. On my final day at that location she approached me and we had a rather interesting conversation about various things. No big deal.
A few months after I was transferred back, and we ended up on the same team. Determined to make a better impression than the first time I had talked to her. So, I worked rather hard and eliminated our workload to the point we could talk. Now, let me tell you it is at this point where things take a new turn. We clicked! We have very similar senses of humor, and share some interests. I don't claim to be the funniest person around, but I did, again in my opinion, a rather fantastic job of making her laugh.
A week or two of this and we've become rather close friends. I came to find out she was actually seeing a co-worker, and being her friend I was all about helping it happen. Sadly it has come to my attention that I may have friend-zoned myself there, but not expressing my interest sooner. Oddly enough I did end up befriending the other co-worker as well.
They split up, and it was not pretty. I do feel the need to mention, she preferred my company to his the entire time they were together. That is unbiased mind you. I bring her into my circle of friends in the area and we begin frequenting bars and various other events. Towards the end of the summer we actually end up sleeping together after a drunken confession on my part.
After we did, she and I never quite became an item officially. Neither of us were dating anyone else, nor were we looking for other people. We fell into a comfortable rhythm of being together. People started inviting us as a group to events, and we never really separated.
Turns dark here, skip this paragraph if you do not wish to hear her awful history. One night, we're on couch enjoying each other's company and I ask her if she is interested in becoming an item. At which point she breaks down into tears. Completely blindsided, a crying woman is my one true weakness, I panic. She tells me of her relationship history including several abuses in the past. She's in tears the whole time, holding on to me and telling me these things.
At this point I realize that she has some very severe emotional distress over the situation. So I decide I need to take it slow. She and I go out and do things a dinner, a movie, a night in... Never pushing the issue, letting her work through it working through it together. At this point, people have begun to assume we just are... together. a few more months pass, a year of us together at this point.
She really makes me happy. Knowing I'm responsible for putting that smile on her face. One of our mutual friends pulls me aside one day and tells me that he's noticed how happy she is around me, and how much brighter she smiles when I'm around. Boom, the rush of those endorphin's were amazing, let me tell you. A little later that night, I broach the subject about becoming a couple once again. To which she responds, she does not want to hurt me. She says this in tears, at which point I am a little put out. I do remain strong remembering the last time she was in a serious relationship the awful human being that she was seeing decided the week of their wedding that he didn't love her anymore.
This rough time, I'm in love with this woman, whose still trapped behind the emotional history of her past. She acts like she's in love with me. Calling me to talk all the time, insisting upon meeting up. Creating events for us to go to together. At one point her best friend got in touch with me and yelled at me for over an hour on how I was taking over my..."Friend's" life.
The words never pass her lips. Never. I suspect she's afraid of commitment. I decide to try and tough it out. For awhile mind you. It comes up however, sooner than later. She tells me she doesn't believe in love. Fair, I suppose, right? Things continue as they are, in our better than best friends situation for awhile longer, until one of our friend actually confronts me about putting a ring on my "friend's" finger. Not wanting to paint anyone in a bad light, I accept this. Saying nothing, despite being wounded. My "friend" jumps to my rescue however, and says she is the one that has the commitment issues. We talk about this afterwards, she and I. She reiterates she does not want to hurt me, but insists I am important to her, and she wants me in her life.
We end up having several episodes like this, each time, in tears she tells me she does not love me. After one such episode, which I didn't take so well, she (I was told this by a friend) weeps and tells them she's afraid she's going to lose me.
We are now approaching year two, and we finally have... split for real. She insist she doesn't love me, but wants me in her life. We still spend the night together, we still attend things as a unit, and she still cries when she thinks she's hurt me. Whats more I need her in my life. If I'm regulated to a friend I can accept that, but it hurts when she keeps me so close.
I suppose what I'm looking for here, internet, is some sort of input as to how I should handle this. I love her, and the way it appears to me is she cares for me on a deep level. The thought of her losing me makes her break down. The thought of being the reason she cries kills me. Our friends tell me how much happier she is with me, her family does the same. Am I not enough? Am I missing something? Misreading some of the adorable affections? I don't know. I didn't proofread any of this because I'm absolutely sure if I did, I would erase this and not tell anyone.
I've tried to talk to her, on several occasions about it. She usually shuts down and doesn't talk about her feelings. I'm at a loss for how to proceed. Do I make her choose? Do I just let it all go? Do I try and remain her friend?
I'm in a similar situation. The only thing I could say with this person is to not expect anything more than friends. She's keeping you around, but trust me, she will probably allow other people to get closer while she keeps you in a certain zone.
I have a woman we see each other a lot, but we are not official. We are also not going to be official. She has gone through a lot of crap with men and I know all the gory details. I myself do not recommend her getting in a relationship even with me.
I will say this, if you are looking for something more, then it will have to be with someone else. However, if you are good just being friends, then go ahead and enjoy.
My lady friend is afraid of losing me and keeps expecting me to walk away (I myself have my own insecurities to deal with as well). But it is not going to get anywhere with us.
I didn't read through the threads, so I am sorry for putting you though that again. See, I understand that much. My issue it trying to get around that.
Also, she will say no, I'm certain of that. Unfortunately, I don't think she really is ready for that sort of deal.
My biggest issue is why she wants me so close but keeps pushing me away at the same time. It's an emotional struggle that I can't really deal with. Can I remain her friend?
You can remain her friend, but you are going to have to find the resolve to pursue some hobbies of your own. There are going to be times when it seems like she is walking away from you only for her to show right back up at your doorsteps so to speak. She has a lot to sort out so there are going to be times when she is triggered and then you are going to be left wondering for a while if you are going to hear from her.
She is unbalanced, which is not to say that she is a bad person. She will put you through a lot. She probably has a few friends or associates with people that are trouble. My friend does. With her, you have to guard your heart. She does not intend any harm. It is just that she is very confused and is sometimes unaware of what she is doing.
Be there for her, but don't get too close. She may freak out. She needs a friend, and she also needs the space to recover. If you want to be in her life, then you are going to have to be the rock, and the access point for her to a saner world. She is also going to need a group of people who are genuine and want good for her.
Don't expect to save her. She is going to need the help of someone qualified. The best thing you can do for her is to take care of yourself. Make sure that you are moving forward with something.
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