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So 3 guys walk into a bar. One of them has been married 20 years and the other two are both in their early 30's and single. This was a scenario from last night.
I'm involved in an alumni program with the 30 year old and the man married for 20 years was someone who was at the bar last night. This bar is the fun spot for many strangers to come together and have interesting conversations. Anyways, the 30 year old had stated that he and his girlfriend had broken up recently. He also recently started a popcorn company to supplement his main job and some rental real estate he owns. He mentioned that his ex girlfriend wanted him to close his popcorn business so they'd have more time to spend together.
I've pondered myself on how people navigate their personal endeavors while also building a growing a bond with another person? Where me and the 30 year old bond in regards into being single and never married in our 30's, the 20 year marriage guy was stating that he's doing now what he didn't get to do 20 years ago. He also stated that he's been married 20 years, so the stakes are different. He and his wife love each other, but it's very hard to make a good marriage last this long, because people change. He really nailed home the idea that you have to work on your marriage everyday. For him, he stated that since he's older, he and his wife both have their own hobbies and they're more comfortable spending time apart. They also have a 19 year old in college right now.
I'm a very active 32 year old, who hasn't had a long-term relationship in several years, much like my friend discussed above. I allocated a lot of time to random hobbies to break up the monotony of not having a relationship. I've spent more time this way than I have in long-term commitments. He seemed to elude to the fact that he's finding less interest for long-term monogamy, just from the sheer amount of time it takes to make a relationship work and then failing. For him, he felt they spent more time discussing differences than growing together. He felt for the accomplishments he wants to achieve, hooking up may be his best alternative, which in secret I didn't agree with.
Don't get me wrong that they were just different, but there's more people out there wrong for us than right. This scenario made me think. How do you slow down your own aspirations, when you've been single for consecutive years? This kind of falls in line with the so called hook up culture of OLD. Everyone is so focused on their own lives, that they only have enough energy to do one or the other. I received a similar vibe from women I've talked to this year that were in the same boat as me. Late 20s to early 30s, and had either already been married or were still single, but had no children.
For people who have experienced this, how did you navigate your relationship and your personal achievements to where you felt fulfilled in both?
For people who have experienced this, how did you navigate your relationship and your personal achievements to where you felt fulfilled in both?
Simple! I married a former coworker. We were both political and legislative analysts and quite successful, each in our own rights. We both knew and understood the stresses of the profession as well as the demands of the annual, legislative calendar. We also both spoke the same political and legislative language (leg-speak) and our endeavors complimented one another even though we worked for two different agencies although often working on the same issues. It made for a good partnership and a great marriage which continues today even in retirement.
In the end, the "secret" is to choose wisely, be understanding and above all, make time for one another. A good, strong relationship is also a personal achievement.
He seemed to elude to the fact that he's finding less interest for long-term monogamy, just from the sheer amount of time it takes to make a relationship work and then failing. For him, he felt they spent more time discussing differences than growing together. He felt for the accomplishments he wants to achieve, hooking up may be his best alternative, which in secret I didn't agree with.
This is going to sound like a corny cliche, but when you meet the right person, a lot of these objections disappear. Suddenly you have time for something other than work or hobbies. I will say, the exception probably is someone with his/her own business, because of the hours of work needed in order to make a go of it. My brother is a solo entrepreneur in his mid-40s and is single. He has had one serious relationship in the past several years, but that's it. While he has developed the mindset that it's OK to unplug for a few hours here and there, for the most part it's essential that he stay laser-focused on the business since it's his livelihood and the success or failure is all on his shoulders.
Simple! I married a former coworker. We were both political and legislative analysts and quite successful, each in our own rights. We both knew and understood the stresses of the profession as well as the demands of the annual, legislative calendar. We also both spoke the same political and legislative language (leg-speak) and our endeavors complimented one another even though we worked for two different agencies although often working on the same issues. It made for a good partnership and a great marriage which continues today even in retirement.
In the end, the "secret" is to choose wisely, be understanding and above all, make time for one another. A good, strong relationship is also a personal achievement.
This.
I married "later" (on my 37th birthday), and so did my husband (he was 41 when we got married). We both had full lives full of accomplishments and activities and such before we even met, and part of what got us together was that we have so many values, goals, and aspirations in common. So our plans don't cut the other partner out in any way. We make decisions based on what's best for our family, and our goals are all oriented to benefiting our family, not either one of us alone. We are partners in all senses, and haven't ever, since the day we met, spent any time thinking, "Well, if I wasn't with this person, I could pursue my hobbies and do things I want to do, but since I am, I can't." We DO do the things we want to do. Neither of us feels that our personal achievements are stultified in any way by being married to one another.
These responses are EXACTLY what I was wanting to hear. After posting I thought I was going to be trolled. The reality for me is, I have to look at these kinds of things. I'm getting older, to where the possibility of having my own children is getting slimmer and slimmer. Not because the parts are going to stop working, but because my schedule has more and more in it that doesn't accommodate a child easily, unless with a partner. On top of that, there's always that fear of a divorce that any married couple has. I grew up in a single parent household so I have very good first hand knowledge of not only how hard it is, but also just how not fun it is. Some people can do it, but I know single parenthood is not for me.
I know I reference a lot to my most recent relationship, but I think it's due to just how it seemed like the right kind of fit I was looking for. Even though we were long-distance and doing two different career paths, it felt (at least to me) that none of that was a hindrance on building something with her. Much like you know it's a struggle temporarily, but you're willing to handle that struggle with that person. The person themselves makes the struggle worthwhile.
Plus, I'm just that kind of person that gets a ton of motivation from a relationship I enjoy being in. I could have the world closing in around me and I don't feel it, because I have that one person in my life who's kind of my solitude. When I'm single, I'm still motivated, but I can find myself in little ruts much easier, and become more easily overwhelmed.
This is what I wanted to tell my friend last night, but it just wasn't the venue to get deep and personal on someone's emotions. Also, it's not the place to apply what I think was best for his love life either.
This is going to sound like a corny cliche, but when you meet the right person, a lot of these objections disappear. Suddenly you have time for something other than work or hobbies. I will say, the exception probably is someone with his/her own business, because of the hours of work needed in order to make a go of it. My brother is a solo entrepreneur in his mid-40s and is single. He has had one serious relationship in the past several years, but that's it. While he has developed the mindset that it's OK to unplug for a few hours here and there, for the most part it's essential that he stay laser-focused on the business since it's his livelihood and the success or failure is all on his shoulders.
That was my buddy. He has a 9-5 as an outside salesman for a shipping company; however, he has his own popcorn company where he's the primary person. He probably left the bar last night around 6PM and said he'd be up till 3AM popping popcorn to fulfill all the holiday orders he has. He did mention one thing that really struck him as odd. His ex-girlfriend had been married before and was married to a guy that was on the lazier side. It baffled him, since all he wanted to do was a provide a better life for her than what she described with her ex-husband. It sounded more like she wasn't looking for someone like her ex-husband or her most recent boyfriend, but someone who fits more in the middle. Maybe the guy that works a steady 9-5, but doesn't have their own business or own extracurricular activities.
That was my buddy. He has a 9-5 as an outside salesman for a shipping company; however, he has his own popcorn company where he's the primary person. He probably left the bar last night around 6PM and said he'd be up till 3AM popping popcorn to fulfill all the holiday orders he has. He did mention one thing that really struck him as odd. His ex-girlfriend had been married before and was married to a guy that was on the lazier side. It baffled him, since all he wanted to do was a provide a better life for her than what she described with her ex-husband. It sounded more like she wasn't looking for someone like her ex-husband or her most recent boyfriend, but someone who fits more in the middle. Maybe the guy that works a steady 9-5, but doesn't have their own business or own extracurricular activities.
Uhm, don't most of us do?
Who wants a guy who is lazy?
Who wants a guy who works 9-5, 6-3?
Who wants a guy who is lazy?
Who wants a guy who works 9-5, 6-3?
He wasn't working till 3AM every night though either. It was a very seasonal type arrangement. He's pretty self motivated, since he didn't come from a two parent household or much money. Everything he has is from the connections he's made and his own motivation. They still did quite a bit with each other though, if I'm allowed to assume. Anytime I saw him out, I saw her out with him.
Who wants a guy who is lazy?
Who wants a guy who works 9-5, 6-3?
Exactly.
And, honestly, some people really aren't looking for a marital/LTR type partnership, and are perfectly content living a lifestyle and schedule that totally accommodates them and isn't overly concerned with balancing family life.
A person who has a regular 9-5 and is very committed to a time-consuming side project that has odd, demanding hours, and is viewed through a lens of non-negotiability is likely this sort of person. Not everybody is wired to build a life with somebody else. Some are totally fine just on their own and meeting their own needs and serving their own programs without having to deflect any attention from that and their personal goals.
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