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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,748,461 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reen79
Yes those are my beliefs.Everyone was brought up differently. You may feel like its ok for a man to be financially supported by a female. I on the other hand was raised with a dad and brother that worked their butts off and still do to provide for their families and never expected the woman to support them financially. I was always told by them that a man isn't a man if he doesn't provide for his family. From what i have seen in this new era that we are in i dont even think it has to do with equality anymore I think they are just seriously lazy. That is why i cant respect a man that thinks its ok to live off of women. Like i said if people are ok with that situation then so be it live your life. But everyone has their own way of thinking.
It doesn't sound like dude is living off this woman. He supports himself just don't have the means to match her desired lifestyle. If he is making $50k and living within his means and the woman is making $75k and covering more of the expenses since she makes more, what's the issue? It isn't as if he is laying on his anus all day and playing Xbox.
To me, he seems like a good guy with a goal in mind. He wants to join the academy, right? And he does have money to support himself, right? Just because he isn't swimming in money now doesn't mean he won't in the future. (or he may end up having less money) However, it sounds like this is a major issue to you and this needs to be addressed ASAP. If anything, show him your opening post. Your posts explains perfectly how you feel. I don't think you're overreacting-you like nice things and want to find someone who can afford them with you! Ultimately, it may come down to a choice-your nice things or him.
I am in my early 30s and a full time professional and a part time student, and I am currently dating a guy who is five years younger than me. He is a good person, and does not appear like a jerk or anything of that sort. He does sweet things for me (opens the door for me, gives me a massage when I am home from work late, does the dishes for me if I have to study, helps me carry heavy things, etc). One thing in which I wish he was different- I wish he was at least as ambitious as me.
He is a former military guy and is living off the GI bill money. His main occupation is to be a full time student for another year, after which he wants to go into law enforcement. When he is not at school he takes naps, plays video games or hangs out with me. I have moments when I feel resentful because he is too chill. I not only work 40 hours/week; I am a part time student, I volunteer, I am building a savings account, and in my time off I like to read and learn more about the world. Deep in my mind, if I were in my boyfriend's position, I would take at least a part time job, or spend time more meaningfully- learning a new skill, reading, etc.
This horrible thought crosses me that I am a convenient girlfriend and sometimes I feel like a loser for that. I like diversity in dates- going to theater, ballet, weekend getaways, trying out new restaurants, concerts, etc. But I am also the one planning and paying for all the cool dates and the nicer restaurants. His date ideas are simpler- bowling, mini golf, a chain restaurant or diner - for which he pays (and I try to not pick the most expensive items, being aware that he doesn't work). I try to be sensible to his situation; I try to respect his preference for simpler dates. But lately it has started to bother me that when we go out somewhere I suggest, he gets whatever he wants (including the more expensive items on the menu), and does not even offer to pay for his share of the bill.
So far I haven't brought up the subject, as I don't know how to process it. Am I being too cheap? My ideal scenario would be that he'd offer to pay half of whatever we are doing, and if he can't afford it, to let me know, so I can go with a girlfriend who is willing to split the bill. I like his company but hate feeling like a sugar mama, and honestly I don't think he intentionally is trying to get stuff from me - he just enjoys the fact that I like nice things and go for what I like.
Should I talk to him and tell him the above? Would that hurt his feelings or pride? Should I break up and look for someone more ambitious? Am I overreacting? Do I have low self esteem for having accepted this so far?
Yes. Tell him. But not all at once. Do it by degrees.
And if he is resistant to doing anything, then you have a man-child on your hands. You'll know what to do.
The OP tries to be engaged in life. Theater. Ballet. Travel. She's dating a couch potato video gamer who wants to be a cop. What could they possibly have in common to talk about? This isn't a money problem. It's a compatibility problem.
The OP tries to be engaged in life. Theater. Ballet. Travel. She's dating a couch potato video gamer who wants to be a cop. What could they possibly have in common to talk about? This isn't a money problem. It's a compatibility problem.
The OP tries to be engaged in life. Theater. Ballet. Travel. She's dating a couch potato video gamer who wants to be a cop. What could they possibly have in common to talk about? This isn't a money problem. It's a compatibility problem.
Don't settle. It will turn out badly.
Well, file this entire thread under the #1 fallacy women have when entering relationships: I can change him.
Why do women think this? You can change the clothes he wears. You might be able to teach him to do his share of the chores. But if the guy lacks innate curiosity about the world around him, doesn't want to put extra effort into his life, or any number of a million other things that demonstrate personal growth, he's never going to acquire it.
Love... that's another topic altogether. I don't feel crazy about him, but I like hanging out with him. I asked my therapist if I should keep looking for Mr Perfect who, in an ideal world, would sweep me off my feet and would be my everything.
My therapist confirmed what I already knew- there is a difference between the ideal world in our head and the daily reality. Very few relationships are based on that crazy movie love. My therapist confirmed another thing: you choose the best of what's available or you agree to be alone, waiting for The Prince, who may or may not come. I would rather not get to be 80 and single just because I saved myself for an imaginary prince.
So yes, my bf is a nice guy, I care about him, I want him happy. I am not swept off my feet by him, but I would rather hang out with him than be totally alone. And I'm not looking to get married
Agreed to not be holding out for the fantasized Hallmark movie King portrayed to young women everywhere.
The reality is we all have problems. For some, it is a problem that they are saturated with too much ambition and tasks and can't just relax and enjoy a back massage or whatever.
Does the man love you, support you, and would he be there for you when things in life don't go perfect?
That's the important question.
Also take into the account that you are in your 30s now. The grass isn't always greener.
If this was just a friend who did all of these things, you would think nothing of it. It's the fact that this is (supposed to be) a romantic relationship that makes his attitude unacceptable.
It's very simple what is missing - LOVE. You can overlook a lot, forgive a lot and get used to a lot when you are in love. This is what makes it work for people who have been married for 50+ years.
My husband was stuck in Slackerville for almost two years before he got another job. No way in hell would the OP put up with that. Only my love for him gave me the patience I needed to wait it out.
Dump him and wait for someone you fall head over heels in love with.
The OP tries to be engaged in life. Theater. Ballet. Travel. She's dating a couch potato video gamer who wants to be a cop. What could they possibly have in common to talk about? This isn't a money problem. It's a compatibility problem.
Don't settle. It will turn out badly.
How she looks in her tiara?
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