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To me, what's lost in this discussion is a sense of chemistry, of passion, of genuine feelings. Wouldn't you want to do anything for someone you were in love with with no resentment of their financials? The caveat is they have to be at least trying, yes?
I have to say, I thank everybody for their advice. Someone wrote to me a personal comment saying this guy isn't my intellectual equal. I may be in a state where I don't see things clearly, however I do have the vague feeling that there's nobody out there who's someone equal in everything, and then how do you go about that? Just as an example- my ex husband was definitely my intellectual and financial equal, but we pretty much didn't have any sex (his libido was low), and didn't want kids. Then I dated someone who was my financial AND spiritual equal, but, again, problems with sex, which made me feel unwanted, unsexy, etc.
I think it's possible to find your equal on most or all levels, but it can certainly take some weeding out of several potential matches before finding that "one." I've dated men who I had excellent chemistry with in certain areas, but not other really important areas, and only a few were very well-matched across all areas. You have to weigh those areas and decide what's most important to you. Do you want someone who is 100% your equal on all levels, or most?
Say you're 100% intellectual, spiritual, financial, and emotional equals, but 75% sexual, this is still workable, right? Through communication efforts and intimacy in other areas the sexual connection can improve. If it were significantly less then I can see it being a deal-breaker. Having no or little sexual chemistry is a deal-breaker for many.
Perhaps consider weighing each area of compatibility and decide from there where it becomes a deal-breaker or incompatible match.
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I like the idea of waiting to find The One. But then I look at the reality around me- I don't see one happy long lasting marriage in which both are happy forever. I also see women in their 50s who are still single and childless because they've been too picky. It's nice to be romantic (and believe in a soul mate), it's nice to be religious (and believe in a God-sent one). But what if every day reality sends a stronger message than books and ideals?
I'm a total romantic. Really mushy-mushy, and so is my husband, at heart. He stopped believing in "the one" for a period of time, and then we met and he was so sure he met his equal in every way. We have discussed our "chance" meeting, or the events that lead to our crossing paths. We're not religious and don't believe in predestiny in the traditional sense, but there is a side of us that entertains it, the romantic side that recognizes the seemingly impossible. Looking back, we shouldn't have crossed paths, or the chances of crosses paths was slim, that it seems like fate. It's pretty cool. He is my ideal.
I'm a total romantic. Really mushy-mushy, and so is my husband, at heart. He stopped believing in "the one" for a period of time, and then we met and he was so sure he met his equal in every way. We have discussed our "chance" meeting, or the events that lead to our crossing paths. We're not religious and don't believe in predestiny in the traditional sense, but there is a side of us that entertains it, the romantic side that recognizes the seemingly impossible. Looking back, we shouldn't have crossed paths, or the chances of crosses paths was slim, that it seems like fate. It's pretty cool. He is my ideal.
And that's what the rest of us are holding out for Congratulations!
To me, what's lost in this discussion is a sense of chemistry, of passion, of genuine feelings. Wouldn't you want to do anything for someone you were in love with with no resentment of their financials? The caveat is they have to be at least trying, yes?
Exactly. This guy is just not doing it for you, OP. If he did, his occupation wouldn't matter so much.
To me, what's lost in this discussion is a sense of chemistry, of passion, of genuine feelings. Wouldn't you want to do anything for someone you were in love with with no resentment of their financials? The caveat is they have to be at least trying, yes?
She said she's given up on finding that, and her therapist supported her in concluding that it wasn't realistic to expect that. She posted earlier something about how partnering up isn't like in the movies, or something, and her therapist agreed.
First off she is always careful not making him pay too much at restaurants, but he doesn't care and picks the expensive stuff without even asking if it's ok? Huge red flag. A person with good manners and courtesy doesn't act this way.
Then he is a man who has no ambition in life, while she constantly wants more. How can you be in a happy long term relationship with someone you consider a loser? It's not about gender. I actually feel the same about women. If they don't hold themselves to high standards to me they are immediately discarded.
This said I don't think everybody should be driven to want the best for themselves, but I would not hang around people with no ambition because they will have a bad influence on my life and my mindset. For what it's worth, I would advice OP to do the same.
Also lack of sexual intercourse from previous partners being mentioned is interesting. OP were you doing your best to be sexually attractive? Like not being overweight and not dressing plainly. Are you good and proactive at sex? Have you learned how to give mindblowing blowjobs? Are you good at teasing men? I am not saying the lack of sex with intellectually matching men was your fault, but perhaps you could do something better to improve the situation. Men with low libido aren't that common, you either got super unlucky or you could definitely improve the situation by changing your approach.
First off she is always careful not making him pay too much at restaurants, but he doesn't care and picks the expensive stuff without even asking if it's ok? Huge red flag. A person with good manners and courtesy doesn't act this way.
Then he is a man who has no ambition in life, while she constantly wants more. How can you be in a happy long term relationship with someone you consider a loser? It's not about gender. I actually feel the same about women. If they don't hold themselves to high standards to me they are immediately discarded.
This said I don't think everybody should be driven to want the best for themselves, but I would not hang around people with no ambition because they will have a bad influence on my life and my mindset. For what it's worth, I would advice OP to do the same.
Also lack of sexual intercourse from previous partners being mentioned is interesting. OP were you doing your best to be sexually attractive? Like not being overweight and not dressing plainly. Are you good and proactive at sex? Have you learned how to give mindblowing blowjobs? Are you good at teasing men? I am not saying the lack of sex with intellectually matching men was your fault, but perhaps you could do something better to improve the situation. Men with low libido aren't that common, you either got super unlucky or you could definitely improve the situation by changing your approach.
Or maybe they just sucked in bed? Definitely not a stretch by any means.
Or maybe they just sucked in bed? Definitely not a stretch by any means.
Could be, as I wrote I wasn't implying it was her fault. But since what others do is often unimprovable, it's better to focus on what we can do better.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,742,544 times
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Originally Posted by CarGi87
I think some of OP concerns are real.
First off she is always careful not making him pay too much at restaurants, but he doesn't care and picks the expensive stuff without even asking if it's ok? Huge red flag. A person with good manners and courtesy doesn't act this way.
Then he is a man who has no ambition in life, while she constantly wants more. How can you be in a happy long term relationship with someone you consider a loser? It's not about gender. I actually feel the same about women. If they don't hold themselves to high standards to me they are immediately discarded.
This said I don't think everybody should be driven to want the best for themselves, but I would not hang around people with no ambition because they will have a bad influence on my life and my mindset. For what it's worth, I would advice OP to do the same.
Also lack of sexual intercourse from previous partners being mentioned is interesting. OP were you doing your best to be sexually attractive? Like not being overweight and not dressing plainly. Are you good and proactive at sex? Have you learned how to give mindblowing blowjobs? Are you good at teasing men? I am not saying the lack of sex with intellectually matching men was your fault, but perhaps you could do something better to improve the situation. Men with low libido aren't that common, you either got super unlucky or you could definitely improve the situation by changing your approach.
The man is in college as a student and has plans for a career. Ain't that ambition enough?
The man is in college as a student and has plans for a career. Ain't that ambition enough?
Yeah, I'm not so sure I'd define that as having no ambition. His ambitions just aren't as high-gear as hers, apparently. Which may point to a poor match or not, but I don't think it's fair to characterize him as having no ambition.
He's just out of the service, and going to college on his G.I. Bill benefit. Maybe he needs these college years to de-stress from his service. We don't know anything about where he served, btw; we have no idea if he's recovering from trauma, or what his circumstances were. It may be perfectly reasonable that he needs his spare time to decompress before heading to the Police Academy and a potentially dangerous and intense career.
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He is my ideal.
Congratulations!