Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Do you do this too when a relationship ends? Do you try to convince yourself that you're better off without this person even though, deep down, you know that isn't true?
Sure, although you (the universal "you") probably ARE better off without them.
Sometimes we get involved with people knowing it's not right but overlooking the things that make it "not right" just to keep that good feeling that comes with the attention/companionship/desire/attraction whatever that you get from them initially.
Then later when the conflict starts, and they ignore you or mistreat you or exhibit whatever other behaviors that show you aren't really a priority to them, you KNOW the relationship SHOULD end. That period sucks.
Even so, sometimes you can break it off when you "should"; other times you can't.
I think what has happened in YOUR situation, Denny, is that you are having a delayed reaction to a decision your ex made long ago but only just recently included you on.
I'm not quite getting your scenario, OP. At first, it sounded very sad, that you two were somehow pulled apart, and now you're trying to justify it in your mind. But later you say she wasn't the love of your life, anyway. If that's true, why the big deal?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
He added that he wasn't that into her anyway. In other words, apparently it wasn't worth moving heaven and earth to find a way to be together.
Plus, apparently he/they thought her move was temporary, but it became permanent. Maybe HE wasn't the love of HER life, either?
At the time she moved away, we both thought it was temporary. She was basically in MAJOR debt due to spending sprees brought on by her bipolar illness, debt she incurred before I started dating her. Because she wasn't making any progress on paying it off, her parents persuaded her to move back in with them so she wouldn't have to spend money on rent. Unfortunately, it meant moving to another state. As for moving heaven and earth to be together, I saw one option, which was to ask her to move in with me since that too would've saved her on rent. But I don't think either of us were quite ready to take such a serious step and it would've been for the wrong reasons. The other issue was her bipolar illness. I wasn't at all deterred by it, but I also hadn't observed it. If I had, then at least I would've known if it was something I could handle. But I thought it would be a mistake to have her move in with me and then only discover that it was too much for me. Usually when you ask someone to move in with you, you have a good idea of whether you'll be able to live together. But in this case, I had no idea what I'd be getting myself into. I hadn't seen her mood swings, had no idea how they affected her or how they'd impact me. As for why her move back home became permanent, over a year had passed (which should give you an idea of how much debt she was in) and she met someone else. She says she wasn't looking, that it just happened. Neither of us promised anything to the other when she left cause we really had no idea how long she'd be gone. Given how things turned out, I'm trying to convince myself that it really was good that the relationship ended. The alternative is for me to regret not asking her to move in with me. But under the circumstances, what would you have done? Would you have asked a person you'd been with for just under a year, someone with a serious mental illness that you had never observed and therefore you had no idea if you could deal with it to now move in with you?
Last edited by DennyCrane; 04-14-2017 at 01:53 PM..
At the time she moved away, we both thought it was temporary. She was basically in MAJOR debt due to spending sprees brought on by her bipolar illness, debt she incurred before I started dating her. Because she wasn't making any progress on paying it off, her parents persuaded her to move back in with them so she wouldn't have to spend money on rent. Unfortunately, it meant moving to another state. As for moving heaven and earth to be together, I saw one option, which was to ask her to move in with me since that too would've saved her on rent. But I don't think either of us were quite ready to take such a serious step and it would've been for the wrong reasons. The other issue was her bipolar illness. I wasn't at all deterred by it, but I also hadn't observed it. If I had, then at least I would've known if it was something I could handle. But I thought it would be a mistake to have her move in with me and then only discover that it was too much for me. Usually when you ask someone to move in with you, it's because you have a good idea of whether you'll be able to live together. But in this case, I had no idea what I'd be getting myself into. As for why her move back home became permanent, over a year had passed and she met someone else. She says she wasn't looking, that it just happened. Neither of us promised anything to the other when she left cause we really had no idea how long she'd be gone. Given how things turned out, I'm trying to convince myself that it really was good that the relationship ended. The alternative is for me to regret not asking her to move in with me. But under the circumstances, what would you have done? Would you have asked a person you'd been with for just under a year, someone with a serious mental illness that you had never observed and therefore you had no idea if you could deal with it to now move in with you?
Wow. Thanks for sharing, OP. You made the best decision you could at the time, and it was appropriate. There should be no regrets there. I wonder if the fact that she so quickly found someone else might be a function of her BPD. And just wondering--in almost a year of seeing her regularly, you didn't notice any mood swings? I guess she got some meds, and those, it sounds like, arrested some of the manic episodes, because she stopped going on shopping sprees? Maybe it means the disease became manageable, once she got diagnosed and put on meds.
I think it's best not to second-guess yourself, especially since you really did make the best decision at the time, I think. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out anyway, given that she moved on so easily.
Wow. Thanks for sharing, OP. You made the best decision you could at the time, and it was appropriate. There should be no regrets there. I wonder if the fact that she so quickly found someone else might be a function of her BPD. And just wondering--in almost a year of seeing her regularly, you didn't notice any mood swings? I guess she got some meds, and those, it sounds like, arrested some of the manic episodes, because she stopped going on shopping sprees? Maybe it means the disease became manageable, once she got diagnosed and put on meds.
I think it's best not to second-guess yourself, especially since you really did make the best decision at the time, I think. Maybe it wouldn't have worked out anyway, given that she moved on so easily.
Actually, she didn't find someone quickly. It had been about a year and a half before she got together with someone else. And we kept in regular contact the whole time she was gone, during which she would tell me how anxious she was to move back once her debt was paid off. She had some financial setbacks with the IRS and medical bills, but up until January, she was still telling me she wanted to move back. I think it was shortly after that she met this new guy. And then, everything changed. All the sudden, she had a reason to stay there.
As for not seeing the mood swings, that was both good and bad. It was good because it made me pretty much forget that she even had BP. But it was bad because I had no basis for deciding whether it was something I'd be able to handle. She started on meds just before we started dating. Either the meds worked really well or she did a good job of hiding her mood swings from me. Either way, I had no idea what I'd be getting myself into if I had asked her to move in with me. I know I shouldn't regret my decision, but it gnaws at me given the recent development on her end. When she left, we both assumed she would come back. It was only a question of when. I think she underestimated how long it would take to pay off her debt. Given the things she was saying to me about missing this city, her friends, etc. and being turned off by her hometown and the people there, it just never crossed my mind that she would meet someone there that would make her want to stay. One of her last messages to me was something to the effect of "I'm so ready to move back and I can't stand the people here."
Last edited by DennyCrane; 04-14-2017 at 02:16 PM..
Do you do this too when a relationship ends? Do you try to convince yourself that you're better off without this person even though, deep down, you know that isn't true?
yes. doesn't work. i adopted that other tactic which is to be in deep, blissful denial. doesn't work either but at least i know this was really love and not some kind of phase.
oh well, carry on, i have a thing to do before my parents comes back home.
Doesn't matter if it's true or not... fact of the matter is you're not together anymore. And I can't be that much worse off without anyone if I'm still alive..
Unfortunately feelings and sense are living different life inside me. I know what I don't like, I know what I cannot stand and still I have those feelings.... I can tell me what I want but my feelings are not listening..
Do you do this too when a relationship ends? Do you try to convince yourself that you're better off without this person even though, deep down, you know that isn't true?
I convince myself that my self respect and self worth does NOT depend on others or their good will, etc. If it was for the best, so be it, but having regrets or being lonely after the loss is more about your low/bad self worth attitudes than the loss of someone. Fix your own self respect and worth and then see if you are still lonely, sad, & have regrets, etc.
I convince myself that my self respect and self worth does NOT depend on others or their good will, etc. If it was for the best, so be it, but having regrets or being lonely after the loss is more about your low/bad self worth attitudes than the loss of someone. Fix your own self respect and worth and then see if you are still lonely, sad, & have regrets, etc.
Breakups are never easy, even when it was you who wanted it to end. Recently, I've been posting threads that indirectly had to do with my ex. And it wasn't until now that I realized why I was doing it. My ex had bipolar, but that's not why we broke up. In fact, my experience with her was fantastic, just the opposite of all the horror stories you hear about BP. It ended because she had to move back home. Neither of us wanted to break up. But in order to cope I guess, I've been trying to convince myself that it was a good thing it ended. Oh her illness would've made your life miserable, her family never would've accepted you, you guys were too different, etc. These are the things I've been telling myself for a while now. And I think I came to these boards looking for validation. Thank you to the folks who put me in my place.
Do you do this too when a relationship ends? Do you try to convince yourself that you're better off without this person even though, deep down, you know that isn't true?
Yes, BUT I only do this when it ends emotinally confusing and i have no closure.
I am unsure if im doing it logically or illogically to make myself feel better though. Its something that i loop back over where half the time i feel like im better off and half i feel like i ****ed up.
an example is when i dated a 25 year old with a great career, but did coke when she went out on the weekends and had an on going court battle with her ex where she pressed charges and they got dropped after he had text proven otherwise.
despite all this she was great for a few months, had one morning where she was mean and manipulative. and i abrubtly ended it when she kept being coy about how i felt about things. "like i didnt know that was such a big deal to you" over something that would clearly be a big deal for everyoe
so the abrubt ending sends me into the im better off without them mode.
Whereas the woman i dated before her, great woman, no issues. we just ran our course. I never did this thought process with her.
so its the uncertainity if i made the right decision and also protecting myself from maybe a rejection as i cant tell who dumped who lol
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Bad self esteem
