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Snow, we both have daughters. Mine are still young. But I can't imagine one of them in this situation. If they were, it would be gut wrenching. Personally, I'm a strong believer in making a marriage work when at all possible. Marriage can be hard work especially for a young couple just starting to make their way. At the same time, as a father I would hate my baby girl to be dealing with something like that and only hope and pray someone could talk some sense into the young man.
Derek
The thing is, that I learned the hard way, is that the one who needs some sense talked into them in this situation is not the man, but the woman.
It's the same situation where a woman is being physically abused. And honestly, that's the next step in this type of relationship, where the man is trying to separate a woman from her support system.
But, like anyone who has been to Al Anon - the issue is not how to force someone else to see reason, but to look at yourself.
Let's pray the OP has someone who can talk sense to her - about why she would put up with this type of relationship - rather than try to turn her man into something he isn't.
And saying she should try to make her marriage work just prolongs her misery. Odds are, she'll go through counseling, all the while supporting him, and eventually finally divorce him, only to discover it cost her more money.
And hopefully, she'll get out before she has kids, because with kids, the relationship won't end until after they are 18 years old, with continued power and financial struggles the entire time.
The thing is, that I learned the hard way, is that the one who needs some sense talked into them in this situation is not the man, but the woman.
It's the same situation where a woman is being physically abused. And honestly, that's the next step in this type of relationship, where the man is trying to separate a woman from her support system.
But, like anyone who has been to Al Anon - the issue is not how to force someone else to see reason, but to look at yourself.
Let's pray the OP has someone who can talk sense to her - about why she would put up with this type of relationship - rather than try to turn her man into something he isn't.
And saying she should try to make her marriage work just prolongs her misery. Odds are, she'll go through counseling, all the while supporting him, and eventually finally divorce him, only to discover it cost her more money.
And hopefully, she'll get out before she has kids, because with kids, the relationship won't end until after they are 18 years old, with continued power and financial struggles the entire time.
Totally agree, unfortunately the OP (sorry OP but being honest here) sounds like she's going to try to make this work - I just really hope she doesnt make the mistakes I did and isolate herself from family and friends, but that would be the worst case scenario, if she chooses to stay in this relationship- holy heck he hasn't even finished his GED...
There are plenty of money making vocational careers out there- welding, plumbing, carpentry, etc... all it takes is a good work ethic, and well you either have it by age 29 ... or you don't.
(I was a fork lift driver myself, before I went into nursing school- I am not one to turn my nose up at a good days work thats for sure...)....
OP its not about how much money he makes but the power sharing in the relationship, and many men end up feeling insecure and undervalued the more you support them, its just the way it is. They need to feel useful for them selves. Also, you are picking the father of your future children- Be selective! Your children are worth it!! (Trust me on that one too)...
When dealing with my own loser, I had a great counselor who told me that I was training my daughter to be whatever I was. In other words, if I was putting up with someone not treating me well, I was teaching my daughter that that was how she should behave when she grew up. That's what she should expect, what she should do, how she should measure her own worth as a woman, etc.
It makes you think twice. Unfortunately, my daughter learned well from me and her father.
But, not only from us, but from the continual message women get in our society, which unfortunately still hasn't improved, saying we should not expect more.
And OP, I'm wondering if you married your husband to become a citizen? If so, you only have to stay married to him for 3 years, if I remember correctly, to become a citizen.
OP- its a lot more than about money and finances - his "refusal to grow up" and be dependent on you is a big red flag- how is he going to be a father like that?
As well as wanting to move you away from a good situation, and your support network - he is isolating you- so he can "exercise his freedoms" seems shady to me. And also a power move on his part, whether he acknowledges it or not.
And money/ finances is a big thing, he can use it to take over your soul, as it is, keeping you working being responsible for the mortgage/ the family security (once kids are in the picture) its all going to ride on you.
If you go to divorce after the 10 year mark , you will be paying him alimony, its not like you are going to get cut any slack for supporting him.. Ha, it just proves that you didn't mind doing it, and that you can keep on doing it because is was an agreed upon part of your relationship-
Like I said a lot of red flags here.
Best to get this sorted out NOW, relationship counseling, asap, no excuses from him.
PS of course he doesnt want a divorce-
being on his own would be waaayyyyy hard for him- on many levels.
Its really hard to change a persons character..
I appreciate your advice since you have been in a similar situation! I'll definitely look into the counseling!
I genuinely do not think he has an intention of living off of me. He's just really really terrible with money. I knew this prior to getting married, which is my bad, but I didn't know the extent since we didn't live together prior. Whenever he was short on cash, he would borrow from his grandma (like his whole family does) and just constantly owe money. When we got married I expressed how I didn't like that, and he stopped. However, he now doesn't know to prioritize his expenses. For example, he'll buy something he likes for $30 and food here and there and will be short for his vehicle payment. So then he'll just take the money out of my personal account and "pay me back." Very frustrating.
The growing up needs to happen for sure, but I also know plenty of adults who don't spend wisely. Lots of counseling lol
I really like this advice! Although, I don't think I could get hired within the same Utility company, but I feel like I can find a job relatively easy with my background. Giving up my seniority will hurt!
I will try to use this as a motivational tool for him and if he does follow through, then I'll bite the bullet. Btw, pregnancy is not an issue yet! I have an effective birth control implant that lasts 3 years. It's important to me to make sure I can provide for my future child before procreating
OP, don't give anything up: the job, the seniority, your family, the opportunity to get a BA paid for by your employer. All that is worth too much, especially the BA.
I don't understand why there's a problem, if you say you'll complete your degree in a couple of years. Your guy can't wait 2 years, for the two of you to reassess at that point? If not, why not? Why the impatience? Does he not understand the value of a degree, and the difference it can make for one's income and employability? Hang onto that degree program for dear life! If he wants to fritter away his life and not even get a GED, that's his choice, but he shouldn't push you to throw away a degree opportunity. He doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart. He seems very foolish.
Congratulations on all you've achieved in life so far! Don't throw it away for some guy. Don't let a guy with messed-up priorities talk you into throwing opportunity away!
I appreciate your advice since you have been in a similar situation! I'll definitely look into the counseling!
I genuinely do not think he has an intention of living off of me. He's just really really terrible with money. I knew this prior to getting married, which is my bad, but I didn't know the extent since we didn't live together prior. Whenever he was short on cash, he would borrow from his grandma (like his whole family does) and just constantly owe money. When we got married I expressed how I didn't like that, and he stopped. However, he now doesn't know to prioritize his expenses. For example, he'll buy something he likes for $30 and food here and there and will be short for his vehicle payment. So then he'll just take the money out of my personal account and "pay me back." Very frustrating.
The growing up needs to happen for sure, but I also know plenty of adults who don't spend wisely. Lots of counseling lol
Teaching him to budget should be easy. It's just a matter of breaking bad habits and establishing new, functional ones.
Maybe it would work best if he got some 1-on-1 coaching from some kind of instructor. I know he doesn't like school, so a CC course on personal finance wouldn't appeal to him. I don't know if having you instruct him on drawing up a monthly budget, etc. would work either. It might work best for him to work on it independently with someone. I wonder if there are any community projects where you live, where people volunteer to coach others.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 04-15-2017 at 12:40 AM..
Definitely understand your reasoning on this, but my husband is white and I'm the minority. So I think the theory would be men from homes without a father and in poverty, then a race issue. He's 28 btw and I'm 27. I do agree that he needs to grow up, but divorcing over money/finances makes me feel like money took over my soul...
Conflicting differences in money management is one of the two top reasons for divorce. Also, your guy doesn't have the same life goals as you--that's a biggie, too. You value education and advancement, he doesn't. You guys don't even have the same fundamental values. You must have something in common, but not in the area of some basic and key values.
You can't run a household, not to mention an entire family, if one of the two adults in the picture isn't on board with the financial program.
When dealing with my own loser, I had a great counselor who told me that I was training my daughter to be whatever I was. In other words, if I was putting up with someone not treating me well, I was teaching my daughter that that was how she should behave when she grew up. That's what she should expect, what she should do, how she should measure her own worth as a woman, etc.
It makes you think twice. Unfortunately, my daughter learned well from me and her father.
But, not only from us, but from the continual message women get in our society, which unfortunately still hasn't improved, saying we should not expect more.
And OP, I'm wondering if you married your husband to become a citizen? If so, you only have to stay married to him for 3 years, if I remember correctly, to become a citizen.
Snow, I agree with you 10000%! My mother was the bread winner. My dad is an alcoholic and was put on disability from being pistol whipped from a robbery, when I was 5. He couldn't work for a few years, and an alcoholic with nothing to do is the Devil's work! My mother is a very strong Christian and has stuck by my dad's side. He was diagnosed with liver cancer last year and has since ceased drinking and changed his lifestyle. I'm happy for my mom, but of course do not want that for myself, yet have recreated it. Like my mom, my sister and I both married men who have an education gap and took /or is taking a while to grow up. (My sister's husband finally picked up a trade at 35 years old and was a stay at home dad.) Only my sister and my mom married while pregnant and I married because I wanted to wake up with my husband and grow.
Lol I AM BELIZEAN-AMERICAN. I should've been clear. I was born in Downey, CA.
Teaching him to budget should be easy. It's just a matter of breaking bad habits and establishing new, functional ones.
Lord knows I've tried! I think it almost borders addiction? I took away our debit card, and he opened a personal credit card. He thankfully didn't qualify for too much! He feels like he needs to spend money. Even if it's going to the gas station to buy gum or a powerade. It's the strangest thing to me.
Lord knows I've tried! I think it almost borders addiction? I took away our debit card, and he opened a personal credit card. He thankfully didn't qualify for too much! He feels like he needs to spend money. Even if it's going to the gas station to buy gum or a powerade. It's the strangest thing to me.
OK, this sounds like emotional spending. If he grew up in a family where money was very tight, and they struggled to get by, he may have a psychological need to get himself little treats all the time. Or if there was emotional abuse--ditto.
I think you're right; you said earlier he needs counseling for his family history--abuse or something, whatever. This spending style seems to be tied to that.
Do NOT start a family until this is resolved!
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Personally, I'm a strong believer in making a marriage work when at all possible. Marriage can be hard work especially for a young couple just starting to make their way. At the same time, as a father I would hate my baby girl to be dealing with something like that and only hope and pray someone could talk some sense into the young man. 
