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A friend and I were having a conversation about my relationship history and she pointed out what she thinks is a pattern. In my 20s, I dated a woman who had a child from a previous relationship. In my 30s, I dated a woman who turned out to have abandonment issues. And even though we only dated for a short period of time, we became close friends and I've helped her through several crises. In my 40s, I was dating a woman who, very early in the relationship, revealed that she had bipolar disorder. My friend observed that I somehow ended up in relationships with three women who either needed or would potentially need my help. Her argument goes that because I didn't run away screaming when I learned the first woman had a child, that the second woman had dependency issues, or that the third had a mental disorder, I was therefore trying to be a rescuer.
Now, my understanding of the white knight personality is that they seek out people to rescue. They look for people who need help of some kind. But in my case, I never went looking for women who needed to be saved. I never saw these women as being in need of any help, certainly not when I first began pursuing them. If anything, I saw them as the exact opposite, as completely independent women who were doing quite well on their own. So I rejected my friend's argument.
But as I reexamine those three examples my friend gave, it's hard for me not see the pattern she pointed out. Three people who either needed my help or would've potentially needed it. And it's hard for me to dismiss that as just a coincidence. In the case of the third woman, I've lately been plagued by self-doubts over whether I should've asked her to move in with me rather than let her move back home to pay off her massive credit card debt. Part of me now wonders if the only reason I'm having these doubts is because some part me wanted to be her rescuer. When I reflect on it, what I feel is guilt over having stood by when I could've helped.
I guess my question is whether it's possible to fall into that white knight mode of thinking even if you're not deliberately looking for people to rescue? In other words, can you turn into a white knight after you've gotten involved with someone? And is that necessarily a bad thing?
I'll give you a serious answer, OP. First off there is a difference between being a rescuer and a white knight. Lots of people are rescuers - I'm one, but I prefer the term "nurturer." When someone has their act together, people who want someone to take care of them can be very attracted to nurturers who also have their **** together. That is probably the case with you. The more I've gotten my act together in my life, the more men who want me to take care of them have come around. The difference is I can sniff them out much, much earlier now.
WK is an accusation flung about by maladjusted men who can't have decent relationships with women or think that taking care of a woman in any form means you think women are better than them. Ignore those people.
And btw, having a child from a previous relationship is not a disorder or someone that is in need of "rescuing." I don't know if you or your friend characterized it as such, but people need to get off of that kind of thinking. I've been a single mom longer than I was married, and I never needed a rescuer.
Who is making the determination that these women need rescuing? You, or the women? Just because someone has a child from a previous relationship or has a mental disorder doesn't mean that they need to be rescued. Your friend is talking about three different women in three different circumstances over a period of what, two decades? I am not so sure that is a pattern. I hope that next time you choose someone to date that you allow them the dignity of you not automatically assuming that they are going to need your help to the exclusion of your own needs. That is what I am getting from some of your posts. That the women you date are going to need more from the relationship than they are capable of giving back. I don't think that's a fair assessment.
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