Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It's very hard to know what I want in this situation because of my irrational fear. If he was willing to drive I would say YES in a heartbeat. It's stupid, I know. He will also be gone for a week so I will miss him. I do genuinely think this trip would be good for us but my fear is really taking over. He says he's upset because he has gone out of his way - true - to make accommodations for me and prepare many activities for us to do and I am backing out for something he considers illogical. I can understand the situation, I would be upset too.
He's your spouse! He should be making an effort to understand what you're going through! You suffered a trauma earlier in life, and as a result, you now have this fear. I wouldn't call that "illogical" at all! It makes perfect sense. Why don't you ask him for moral/emotional support in your effort to resolve this fear (via counseling by a specialist in this type of problem), and see what he says? A married couple is a team; they're supposed to support each other in overcoming obstacles and dealing with problems that arise. He doesn't sound like he's on your team. Tell him you need support to get over this, along with some counseling sessions, and ask him to be understanding. Let us know how he responds.
OP, we're having a hard time believing he would threaten divorce over such a trivial matter. So he made some arrangements and plans for the two of you in LA; your cancelling due to, basically, PTSD, is not a divorce-worthy issue. If this is for real (very hard to believe), he sounds like a spoiled child having a tantrum. Why isn't he worried about you? That would be a normal response to your cancelling and symptoms.
You know--on second thought, forget the fear-of-flying counseling for now. Find someone who works with PTSD, and specifically, someone who offers a treatment called EMDR. A few sessions of EMDR will clear your PTSD symptoms relating to flying. You'll regain your equanimity. Then you can see if you'll even need the fear-of-flying counseling. You may not.
I agree that I am being inconsiderate a bit. However, I have offered to reimburse him 100%. If he had just accepted it, he would not lose anything.
You just do not get it do you? Can't you see that this is not about the money or losing money?
You are also being more than *a bit* inconsiderate in my opinion.
For the one who left a reputaton comment: The opinion you left on my reputation comments is simply that your opinion and does not matter to me at all. If you believe you are right then you must be right which only applies to you.
Yes I've looked into doing that. I definitely will!
He is as supportive as can be, even though he doesn't understand the fear. He has tried to reassure me he would calm me down in the flight. For him the fact that flying is safe is so certain that he just doesn't understand it. I think he's just upset that I said yes to the trip and now last minute backed out. I am sure if I had said no when he asked he would be sad but fine with it. I understand what I am doing is also not so nice.
That won't work. That's not being supportive; that's pushing you to do what he wants you to do. THIS is supportive:
"You know, honey, this fear seems to be a really big deal for you. It seems to be a lot worse than the last time we flew. I guess that near-accident you were in years ago must have been terrifying. Maybe downright traumatic! I'll cancel the tickets so you can stay home, and maybe while I'm away, you can find some help for this thing. I'm getting the picture that it's bigger than you expected, so don't worry. Just relax, and get this taken care of, so we can enjoy other trips in the future." (hug)
On the other hand, there are people who just do not fly. I think the OP can fall into that category if she wishes, even though she will be missing certain experiences in life.
Especially with the state of flying today with overcrowded seating and unpleasant flights due to being squished together too tightly and the existence of possible terrorism (even though unlikely) it is not unusual to not want to fly.
As for dissolving the marriage, I think there are a good number of spouses who think divorce when encountering this type of thing in their partner.
It seems less like he is considering a split because of this incident and more along the lines that he feels that considerations for one another are not being shared equally when crossing over to each other.
I would be a little miffed as well if everything was set and ready to go and suddenly someone backed out on me last second as well.
It's not just about money, it's about expectations, being let down.
If this is a consistent behavior it also leads to a general lack of feeling respected as well.
It seems less like he is considering a split because of this incident and more along the lines that he feels that considerations for one another are not being shared equally when crossing over to each other.
I would be a little miffed as well if everything was set and ready to go and suddenly someone backed out on me last second as well.
It's not just about money, it's about expectations, being let down.
If this is a consistent behavior it also leads to a general lack of feeling respected as well.
It's not like she did it on purpose, or on a whim. She's having a major freak-out. She didn't expect it to be this bad, because in the past, it's been manageable. But now it's worse. It would be a very bad idea for her to try to tough it out, and go anyway. There's no telling what could happen. And with extreme incidents happening on planes these days, security getting called, people getting dragged off, it's risky to take a passenger who's not emotionally stable about flying. If she'd manage to get on board at all, which she might not. She might have a meltdown going through security procedures.
Sure, he had his heart set on sharing some nice events with her, had bought entertainment tickets, and all. But at some point, he should realize how serious the phobia is this time, compared to the last time they flew. And if she went, and somehow got down there without going screaming bonkers on the plane, she'd be hysterical with worry in anticipation of the return flight. She wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy the special events, and the rest of it. It's not worth fretting over lost money and a lost dream vacation week, when someone's having PTSD symptoms. The OP needs to get serious help.
Would you try to stuff a panicky war vet onto a plane if he were having flashbacks to a major incident in the past? Not a good idea. No amount of valium in the world would calm that down. What hubby isn't realizing is that her bowing out of the trip isn't a willful act; she's at the mercy of her traumatic memories and accompanying emotions, now. She didn't just roll over one morning and decide--"Meh! I don't feel like going on that trip anymore.I'd rather spend the week shopping & getting a mani/pedi."
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 04-21-2017 at 12:26 AM..
I agree that I am being inconsiderate a bit. However, I have offered to reimburse him 100%. If he had just accepted it, he would not lose anything.
I think this is another indicator of a marriage problem. If you are "reimbursing" him, then it sounds like you are treating your money separately. Unless it's small amounts of spending money, I'm not sure this is a good way to operate. In my way of thinking, its both of your money, not his money vs. your money.
It's very hard to know what I want in this situation because of my irrational fear. If he was willing to drive I would say YES in a heartbeat. It's stupid, I know. He will also be gone for a week so I will miss him. I do genuinely think this trip would be good for us but my fear is really taking over. He says he's upset because he has gone out of his way - true - to make accommodations for me and prepare many activities for us to do and I am backing out for something he considers illogical. I can understand the situation, I would be upset too.
Did he say he wanted a divorce or are you assuming that's what he wants because he's upset with you?
It sounds like he's upset because of the financial outlay because you initially committed to go and then backed out. Heck I would be too but I'm a cheapskate.
A lot of people don't understand phobias. He probably thinks that you can "get over it" and take this trip.
Does he get along with his family? He may also be upset because he figured it could be both of you contending with his family, now he has to do it alone. You know, safety in numbers, united front, something like that.
I've always been scared before flights. But this is the first time I have backed out of something like this.
So, this isn't your first flight. But, you have fears that are affecting you right now. Understood. The indecisiveness you mentioned may be an underlying problem, and you should explore professional options to help you with that.....But addressing immediately your fear of flying is important for this situation. I've posted some links regarding your fear of flying at the bottom.
How soon is this trip? Can you see someone that can help you right away to learn some coping skills or even hypnosis therapy that at help you immediately.
I understand being afraid....But I also understand how empowering facing your fears can be to your personal growth. It could change your life for the better.
The fact that you are required to take your test is important, so you may have to reschedule your flights for that.....Have you looked into being able to take your test at a college located at your destination? I have heard of that happening.
But, not flying at all is something you should address.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
