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So gay male here. A year ago, about in August of 2016, I made a friend who is also gay but I met him off the dating apps. I was actually transitioning of the dating apps because I no longer wanted to date, but as I was about to delete the app he sent me a message and that's how we met. From the very beginning, I told him I was just looking for friends and nothing more. He respected that, and I put up that wall. Now I have always been attracted to him, but I definitely put up a friend wall and maintained it pretty well.
In the following months we hung out a lot, just us two, dinner, drinks, movies, planned trips together, and even went on one vacation together in January. It was great and it was all platonic. We went to dinner a month later, and I told him that I started seeing someone who I really liked (which soon after ended). He got very serious and seemed almost hurt by it. I was surprised and started asking myself "does he like me?". Will since then he has been throwing constant hints that he likes me, but I kept that friend wall up.
It wasn't up until a month ago, that I started to break down that friend wall myself, and started to realize and accept that I really really like him. So I started throwing hints at him in the past few weeks that I like him. A week ago, he asked me out to dinner. I figured it was just a usual outing that we always have until I saw the place he picked. It's was a French, fancy, expensive and romantic restaurant. I figured this is pretty much a date, and I thought it might be a good place to open up about my feelings with him.
When I arrived, he was more dressed up than usual, and as I sat at the table, he was very nervous and I had never seen him like that before. I had only arrived a few minutes after he did, and he was already drinking and was halfway done with his drink. It was very clear he was nervous. So I eased him and tried to make him feel more comfortable with jokes. Later on he started to tell me he has started to go to therapy, to deal with some issues he's going through in regards to messing up romantic relationships, vulnerability, and getting over his dad's emotional abuse as a kid. He told me he his judgemental on himself, very hard on himself and doesn't think he is ever good enough.
He asked me if I had ever gone to therapy. I said yes, and then I thought it would perfect opportunity to segway about my feelings. As I started to talk about how I have put up walls to certain individuals and need to learn to become more vulnerable in relationships (he knew where I was going) his face started to get extremely RED and he got crazy nervous, like almost shaking! So I stopped and decided to let him calm down and bring it up later. When I started to bring it up later again, the same reaction from him and he literally was looking like he was about to have a panic attack, I thought he was about to cry actually. So I again stopped and realized perhaps we should discuss that somewhere more private. Once he calmed down, there was one moment where he gently rested his foot on mine under the table and I pulled away, not because I was playing games, but my thought was we weren't going to play footsie, we need to TALK about this. And when I pulled away he put a wall up and told me he doesn't think he will be in a relationship for another 2-3 years, but the door is open to the right person, but when on dating apps he doesn't put "looking for a relationship".
So we left dinner, and he later texted me that he had a great night with me. He informed me that he will be off of work next Friday as will I be too, and he told me he would like to spend the day with me.
So it looks like I am going to have to take the lead on this one. So I think this Friday is where I am going to talk to him where we will have more privacy. I am also thinking of approaching from a different angle than before, not putting too much pressure. More like a:
"Sorry I have been confusing lately, not my intent but I was trying to figure out my feelings for you and I have come to realize in the past month I really like you. All I want to do is let you know that that door is now open if you ever want to go that route. I know you are going through some stuff, so whatever makes you feel most comfortable. I also want to let you know you don't ever have to be afraid opening up to me or wanting to talk to me about deeper things."
I can see that I am going to have to be slow, and take things with ease with him. It appears vulnerability is a big issue with him and I just want him to know he doesn't have to be scared of me and that I am here to support and help him be it as a friend or something romantic.
I think it's a good idea to get this on the table ASAP.
I don't particularly like the line "that door is now open," because it just sounds ... a little arrogant, like you're FINALLY deigning to consider a romantic relationship with him. I know you didn't intend it that way, but that is just how that particular line hit me.
You also appear to be putting everything into his lap, or putting all the onus on him to move this forward. All you can do really is express YOUR feelings and desires. If you are into him, word it that way. Don't make it sound like, "Hey guy, your wish has come true. I've finally come around, so if you want it, come and get it!"
If you want him to be less nervous, then really boost his confidence by making YOURSELF vulnerable and letting him know how much he means to you and how much you want him. Do you see the difference?
I think it's a good idea to get this on the table ASAP.
I don't particularly like the line "that door is now open," because it just sounds ... a little arrogant, like you're FINALLY deigning to consider a romantic relationship with him. I know you didn't intend it that way, but that is just how that particular line hit me.
You also appear to be putting everything into his lap, or putting all the onus on him to move this forward. All you can do really is express YOUR feelings and desires. If you are into him, word it that way. Don't make it sound like, "Hey guy, your wish has come true. I've finally come around, so if you want it, come and get it!"
If you want him to be less nervous, then really boost his confidence by making YOURSELF vulnerable and letting him know how much he means to you and how much you want him. Do you see the difference?
Thanks for your insight on this, I really appreciate it, and now that you mention it does look a little arrogant on my end (which I can admit I can be sometimes).
I think maybe of just talking about how I put up that wall and I kept it up this whole time until recently, and it made me realize my feelings for him and that all along I was suppressing them. I also want to apologize to him too though. The past month I am positive that I have been confusing him, maybe even torturing him. As I was exploring my feeling for him, I was hot and cold, because there were times I wasn't sure and there were times that I was sure. In the past two weeks, I am now very sure and it continues to strengthen.
He's a real good guy, but I think he's petrified at the same time to open up.
I think maybe of just talking about how I put up that wall and I kept it up this whole time until recently, and it made me realize my feelings for him and that all along I was suppressing them. I also want to apologize to him too though. The past month I am positive that I have been confusing him, maybe even torturing him. As I was exploring my feeling for him, I was hot and cold, because there were times I wasn't sure and there were times that I was sure. In the past two weeks, I am now very sure and it continues to strengthen.
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