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That is unnecessary, and low. She is my wife, man. I'd prefer people didn't speak of her in such ways. She is not a monster. Things happen. We can't always control them. We can't always control our feelings either.
.
Im a woman but anyway...she is only your wife on paper. What is so difficult for you to understand about this? She's away for the weekend WITH ANOTHER MAN!
And yes, we can control how people treat us.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
I feel bad for the OP here. Like someone posted up thread, there's keeping an open mind and there's a open mind to where one's brains slip out. I'm thinking that the OP is suffering from the later.
I told her the two things I really hoped she'd do for ne is tell me if I got in the way of her happiness, or if she developed deeper feelings for the dude and wanted me permanently in her rear view.
A lot of self pity talk going on here, Grif. You don't want her to ever tell you such hurtful things, because you love her too much. Lets be clear, she does not love you (all her actions is evidence of this) sure, she cares for you, but she doesn't love you as a husband.
"My wife has said that if I was...functional, she would rather be with me."
IMO, it has nothing to do with sex anymore. If you were to all of a sudden be "fully functional" today, I don't think your wife would return > she has emotionally detached herself from the marriage looooong time ago > again, all her actions is evidence of this.
Man, I hate to kick a man whens he's down, but it saddens me to see this happening to anyone.
Sincere, public apology for having made that mistake. Really, sorry.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hawaiiancoconut
Sorry grif, if Im being a dick.
You certainly aren't, nor have you been, a dick. I don't really think anyone here has been like that.
I came here and specifically asked for a discussion and for other people's perspectives, and this thread has helped me. It really has. I don't socialize in the real world much.
Obviously there are going to be opinions I don't agree with. But right now it's good for me to hear that.
Two months ago, if I had been looking at this thread as a dispassionate observer, I could see myself saying "This guy is getting a screw job."
And that may be the case. But even in a worse case scenario like that, at least there was someone once who loved me enough to spend 20 years with me, and have children with me.
Sincere, public apology for having made that mistake. Really, sorry.
You certainly aren't, nor have you been, a dick. I don't really think anyone here has been like that.
I came here and specifically asked for a discussion and for other people's perspectives, and this thread has helped me. It really has. I don't socialize in the real world much.
Obviously there are going to be opinions I don't agree with. But right now it's good for me to hear that.
Two months ago, if I had been looking at this thread as a dispassionate observer, I could see myself saying "This guy is getting a screw job."
And that may be the case. But even in a worse case scenario like that, at least there was someone once who loved me enough to spend 20 years with me, and have children with me.
I have a question Griffis. Do you think that if you had never been injured and for some other reason your wife had suggested this very arrangement in this manner, would you respond any differently than you are now?
I have a question Griffis. Do you think that if you had never been injured and for some other reason your wife had suggested this very arrangement in this manner, would you respond any differently than you are now?
Actually, over the years, the open marriage idea has come up in conversation between us, from each of it at different times. For me, it never really went past the "What would THAT be like?" phase...
I've always been monogamous. I know this sounds like a rationalization and I'm just making excuses for her, but without getting all "new age" I honestly think my wife is polyamorous and just never expressed or explored it. Partially, perhaps, because of prevailing social mores.
I mean, there is a wide range of human sexuality beyond "one man, one woman." For example, my wife is also sexually attracted to other women, though she has a distinct preference for men.
The more I read this, the more I truly believe that none of this will end well. There is too much justification and rationalization of being open minded and ethical and knowledgeable and whatever other words you want to use. Step back for a moment, away from the details, and reread all 260+ posts thus far. Read it as if you are a disinterested party.
Your physical self "failed" along the way, no fault of your own. It happens. I feel more strongly now that you are just holding onto something invisible, something that doesn't exist. It's as if you want to live life with a double standard and believe you will man up and handle it with grace and compassion and will be happy for the rest of your life. I don't know your whole story, but from what I've read I just don't see that, not at all. People fall ill all the time, some with much worse conditions than yours. In a healthy relationship the other person will sacrifice. I see none of that here.
I don't care how it's framed, but your wife is bailing on the marriage for her own self satisfaction. So you've "discussed" open marriage before. I bet many couples bring that up in conversation. But not only is that happening, but an apartment for her is now in the mix? If that's not separation I don't know what is. And this other guy gave her a car, and you brush that off as whatever?
I don't fully understand why are are being so delusional. What are you afraid of? You seem like a decent human being, who in my opinion is making a huge mistake. And that mistake is all about you and no one else. You have somehow painted a false picture of happiness or whatever you want to call it. You want you wife to be happy. Let her go then and stop with these little strings of hope. Be friends with her, not her husband. She may be playing a dangerous game, but you're being a referee. I see no future where this turns out well the way you are currently framing it, none at all. I wish you all the best.
Actually, over the years, the open marriage idea has come up in conversation between us, from each of it at different times. For me, it never really went past the "What would THAT be like?" phase...
I've always been monogamous. I know this sounds like a rationalization and I'm just making excuses for her, but without getting all "new age" I honestly think my wife is polyamorous and just never expressed or explored it. Partially, perhaps, because of prevailing social mores.
I mean, there is a wide range of human sexuality beyond "one man, one woman." For example, my wife is also sexually attracted to other women, though she has a distinct preference for men.
For some, it may take them time to accept and be open to the fact that they're, at heart, non-monogamous. And non-monogamy isn't "new age," people, so y'alls' moralism can sink like the Poseidon. It has existed, in various forms, across many cultures throughout time.
I'm somewhat like your wife, attraction is not gender or sexual orientation-specific, but prefer men for relationships. Heteroromantic pansexual.
Sincere, public apology for having made that mistake. Really, sorry.
You certainly aren't, nor have you been, a dick. I don't really think anyone here has been like that.
I came here and specifically asked for a discussion and for other people's perspectives, and this thread has helped me. It really has. I don't socialize in the real world much.
Obviously there are going to be opinions I don't agree with. But right now it's good for me to hear that.
Two months ago, if I had been looking at this thread as a dispassionate observer, I could see myself saying "This guy is getting a screw job."
And that may be the case. But even in a worse case scenario like that, at least there was someone once who loved me enough to spend 20 years with me, and have children with me.
You have amazing patience and understanding. You're a good man. Unfortunately, you're wife lost sight of that.
I don't fully understand why are are being so delusional. What are you afraid of? You seem like a decent human being, who in my opinion is making a huge mistake. And that mistake is all about you and no one else. You have somehow painted a false picture of happiness or whatever you want to call it. You want you wife to be happy. Let her go then and stop with these little strings of hope. Be friends with her, not her husband. She may be playing a dangerous game, but you're being a referee. I see no future where this turns out well the way you are currently framing it, none at all. I wish you all the best.
To request for myself a small consideration: This is all really fresh and new still. My mind is going in a bunch of different directions. I very much appreciate this post, though, and your posts in general. Eloquent and thought-provoking.
I cannot say that you and the many people here who share your sentiment--that this is over, finito, dead as Dillinger--are wrong. You may all be 100% correct. All i can really say is nobody knows me, or her, like we do. Our history and some unconventional approaches to living. What is in our hearts. I feel she will always be my wife. We'll see. I feel as though I need to take some time to process this. I haven't a clue how I will feel about all this in a week, or hell--later this evening. But I am not sure that qualifies to make me "delusional."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique
For some, it may take them time to accept and be open to the fact that they're, at heart, non-monogamous. And non-monogamy isn't "new age," people, so y'alls' moralism can sink like the Poseidon. It has existed, in various forms, across many cultures throughout time.
I'm somewhat like your wife, attraction is not gender or sexual orientation-specific, but prefer men for relationships. Heteroromantic pansexual.
Couldn't rep you again, but :thu:
I will say that I have received a few supportive, encouraging PMs from people who are in similar situations.
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