Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
OP, I'm sorry, but you are deluding yourself if you think your only problem is geography. Your posts describe your husband as a very self-centered man who is entirely unconcerned with your happiness. Although he is not responsible for your happiness, he should want you to be happy. Marriage is a partnership, at least, it is here in the States. I do not think you should be planning to have children in your situation.
I could, but I'm worried that this would be bad for our marriage. Plus, what if we have kids one day? I can't just take them on an 11 hours flight with me every few months. I guess that would be the point where I would have to stay at home again all the time. Miserable.
Well...you're pretty resentful now. That's not helping your marriage either.
If not frequent trips, how about longer trips?
While I'm not necessarily sympathetic to your husband, I think maybe I understand where he's at. HIS culture IS more machismo...it's what he knows. He DOESN'T feel the isolation like you do, because he's at work with other people all the time. Almost literally ALL the time. Isolation is NOT his experience. Yeah...he should step out of himself and try to empathize with your feelings...but I'm guessing he's mentally and physically exhausted much of the time...and so he doesn't have the time or inclination (because he's physically and mentally tired) to give serious consideration to your feelings.
Your unhappiness is kind of on the back burner to him, because he's dealing with a lot. I'm not excusing him at all. Kind of why I'm thinking you need to get out of the house for a long while...and let him miss you. Let him feel sad and lonely, and wonder how you're doing. And then, maybe he'll start giving serious thought to what would make you happy...if only because YOUR happiness will increase his happiness.
Well...you're pretty resentful now. That's not helping your marriage either.
If not frequent trips, how about longer trips?
While I'm not necessarily sympathetic to your husband, I think maybe I understand where he's at. HIS culture IS more machismo...it's what he knows. He DOESN'T feel the isolation like you do, because he's at work with other people all the time. Almost literally ALL the time. Isolation is NOT his experience. Yeah...he should step out of himself and try to empathize with your feelings...but I'm guessing he's mentally and physically exhausted much of the time...and so he doesn't have the time or inclination (because he's physically and mentally tired) to give serious consideration to your feelings.
Your unhappiness is kind of on the back burner to him, because he's dealing with a lot. I'm not excusing him at all. Kind of why I'm thinking you need to get out of the house for a long while...and let him miss you. Let him feel sad and lonely, and wonder how you're doing. And then, maybe he'll start giving serious thought to what would make you happy...if only because YOUR happiness will increase his happiness.
But he's not too physically exhausted to spend all day surfing, on his time off? Nope, not buying this.
But he's not too physically exhausted to spend all day surfing, on his time off? Nope, not buying this.
It's total speculation on my part. But a lot of times, when people ARE mentally tired, they indulge in their hobbies to calm themselves down and decompress.
His relationship is great. Yours stinks on ice. Sounds to me like he is interested in 2 things, work and surfing. Not you. And he doesn't care that you live in a place where the crime is so high you can't come and go as you please. So you are not free to entertain yourself and do things on your own either. How can you meet people if it's not safe to leave the house?
You know something needs to change. The first thing that needs to change is you need to stop being a doormat. You keep giving up your life for this guy over and over. It sounds like both of you are a bit on the immature side and still have some growing up to do. In a real grown up relationship, the couple is more important than surfing.
First of all, you need to decide what you want. Do you want to move back to the US or somewhere else? Once you know what you want, you need to sit him down and tell him. No tears, be a grownup. State the problem and state your acceptable solutions. Then you need to give him some time to think about it and come up with what's acceptable to him. Be firm and be fair.
Then you need to talk again and actually decide how to move forward. Let him talk and you will find out what's important to him. If it's not you, it's time to move on. And if part of his solution is you having a baby so you have something to do, run away now! As fast as you can. If you come up with a plan write it down. Who agreed to do what and when. You should both read it and agree it's correct. Then do it!
You will both be old soon enough. It would be a real shame to spend your whole life in the wrong relationship. That is much worse than admitting you made a mistake and starting over. Best of luck. And you never know, you may be able to resolve your issues.
I think he gets angry because he thinks I'm criticizing HIM, and I want HIM to change something. When I told him I don't feel happy here and that I feel isolated he just said I should try to make friends, go to more meetings and stuff, which I already have. Actually even when I had that one friend here (who already moved away) I still wasn't happy with how things are here. I hate not being able to take the public bus, not being able to walk around without having to expect to get robbed. Just a week ago four armed men robbed walked into a cafe I used to go to quite a lot and robbed everyone there. It scares me. He knows it does and he also thinks it sucks but he also thinks that there is nothing we can do about it.
He doesn't complain ever when I tell him I want to visit my family, he's supportive about that. So last year I was at my Dad's bday for the first time in 5 years, which was nice. I'm also most years there for Christmas.
Tough situation you are in.
I don't really know what to say, seems like you have tried it all. You have my sympathies.
It's total speculation on my part. But a lot of times, when people ARE mentally tired, they indulge in their hobbies to calm themselves down and decompress.
I can see that, as a way of letting off steam. That would address the mental exhaustion part, but not the physical.
Still, if we were to entertain that explanation, what then? After unwinding at the beach all day, does he return home refreshed, and take the OP out to dinner, or do something fun with her? Does he give her quality time the following day, for example? Sure, a hard-working guy needs time to decompress, that's fair. But what comes next, after that? OP?
Also, I've been wondering; has the OP tried hanging out at the beach herself, while he's surfing? Taking a picnic lunch for them, or something? Maybe trying out surfing, herself, or bodysurfing, or boogie-boarding?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
