Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Your husband has "checked out of this marriage" some time ago....Note: HE is happy. He has a job that he loves, that keeps him away from you and that's fine with him. He has no plans on changing anything. He is not concerned that you are lonely, depressed and need companionship..... HE loves his hobbies, which you are not a part of...
. You can of course, seek counseling first but your husband is already MIA....
I've seen this sort of thing before. A husband who chooses a career option at work that keeps him away from the wife and family for months/year, and avoids the wife when he is in the home-town office, between travel assignments. Couples' counseling doesn't resolve it. These are usually immature guys who have deep issues from their upbringing that they manage to hide from the wife.
The good news in the OP's situation is that there are no kids, and she's still very young, so she has plenty of time to get out and find happiness, if/when it comes to that. But she'd have to get over her attachment to him; this is a woman who misses him tremendously, when she's only away for one week.
I'm just one voice in a storm, but I'm not sure that this is a relationship that needs to be trashed. Yes, there are problems here, but I think it's possible to fix things.
I agree that these are fixable problems but it will require both parties to fix them. Apparently, OP's husband is unwilling to even acknowledge there is a problem and disregards his wife's feelings and concerns.
As I stated earlier, a relationship is not sustainable if one spouse is miserable and the other disregards those feelings.
I think it's a real problem when you are plainly telling him you're not happy and you want more time together and yet he does zero to change anything. Spouses should ALWAYS care that the other person is happy if they don't want to end up being left. This guy has the exact relationship he wants. He works all the time, enjoys his hobbies, lives in the place he wants, and oh yeah he has a wife to pay attention to him when he feels like it. This guy won't even let you have a pet to keep you company when he's never even home!? My first husband was like this. He did whatever he wanted and I was just along for the ride. If we had plans together and a buddy called with something he wanted to do, guess who got ditched?
My current finance travels for work and when he is home I am his top priority. He has hobbies and some we enjoy together, but ultimately he wants to spend time with me when he's home because he misses me above his hobbies. That's how it should be. I cannot even imagine being in your situation with no family, no friends, no pets, and not even able to go sit in a cafe with a book without being afraid. You are like a prisoner. Truly how much longer can you endure this situation?
I think you are really sacrificing your own happiness for someone who doesn't appreciate it and won't compromise on even one minor thing to make YOU happy. Don't you think you deserve better?
I prefer to not take the risk that someone reads this and connects this to me. Let's say I'm from a European country and we live in a South American country.
That's rough. Although South America in certain ways (especially amongst elites) is more European oriented than here in North America, in so many other areas related to quality of life, human rights, etc, it is if not the antithesis of Europe, light years away from it.
I'm guessing one factor may be status. In his home country no doubt your husband is high status. In Europe he'd probably be a relative nobody. Correct?
Thanks so much for your answers so far. I always try to be as understanding as possible, but sometimes I just can't. We know some of the guys who work in his company, many of their wives are housewives and don't really seem to mind if their man is gone all the time. At least it seems this way. But unlike me, they are from here and they have family here, so it's much easier for them.
Yes, I do miss my husband when I'm gone for a week, but it's not like I couldn't stay away longer. Last year, I was away for six weeks at one point (Family emergency and work), I missed him but it's not like I'm dying. He is my priority, he's always been and sometimes I feel I am not. When we are together, everything is perfect. But I do agree that he seems selfish and doesn't seem to care if I'm happy or not. I don't know, I'm ashamed to admit this, but I'm so scared that if I put my foot down and have him decide if me and my happiness and safety or his hobbies/work are more important that he will say 'Well, we obviously have different goals in life' and leaves me. But I guess there is no way around it. I just feel like I have told him so many times already that I want to live somewhere else, or that I'm sad that I have no friends, that I wish he worked less etc but he has never done anything about it.
Oh, and by the way- He was supposed to have off today, instead they made him work. He was supposed to come back tonight at 10pm but he told me an hour ago that they changed it again and that he will have to sleep in another city for two nights (and work as well, of course), so I won't see him til Saturday night.
So basically I've seen him this week only Monday afternoon and last night when he came home at 11 (and went to sleep 30min later). And for half an hour before he went to work today. Great.
By the way, for anyone who's wondering about his weird schedules, he's a pilot.
Yes, I did try to join him for his hobbies. For him, I did a kite surfing course, because in the past year all he did every day was kite surf. I didn't like it, so I stopped, but I often came with hin to watch. This isn't quality time though since he's all the time in the water and we don't even spend time together. I do surf. I'm a beginner, but I've been a couple of times with him. I like it, but he usually goes at 5am and comes back late morning. I cannot get up that early. I've done it a few times but it kills me. Also, I had a pretty bad surfing accident three months ago (six stitches in my knee), which is why I'm a bit scared to get back in the water. I like it, as I said, but it's still not quality time since he's somewhere in the water and I'm somewhere else.
Yes, he has a high status in our country. He makes more money than most people do. The same amount he makes here would be an average salary in Europe. He wouldn't be a nobody in Europe but it wouldn't be super easy to find a good job at first I think. Difficult, but definitely doable.
Thanks so much for your answers so far. I always try to be as understanding as possible, but sometimes I just can't. We know some of the guys who work in his company, many of their wives are housewives and don't really seem to mind if their man is gone all the time. At least it seems this way. But unlike me, they are from here and they have family here, so it's much easier for them.
Yes, I do miss my husband when I'm gone for a week, but it's not like I couldn't stay away longer. Last year, I was away for six weeks at one point (Family emergency and work), I missed him but it's not like I'm dying. He is my priority, he's always been and sometimes I feel I am not. When we are together, everything is perfect. But I do agree that he seems selfish and doesn't seem to care if I'm happy or not. I don't know, I'm ashamed to admit this, but I'm so scared that if I put my foot down and have him decide if me and my happiness and safety or his hobbies/work are more important that he will say 'Well, we obviously have different goals in life' and leaves me. But I guess there is no way around it. I just feel like I have told him so many times already that I want to live somewhere else, or that I'm sad that I have no friends, that I wish he worked less etc but he has never done anything about it.
The bolded is not a true statement. Come on, OP--be truthful with yourself. You said that when he's home, he abandons you for the beach. "Everything is perfect" only during the rare times when he's actually with you, in your presence, spending time with you. It's as if you're begging him for crumbs, and trying to make yourself happy with those crumbs.
I think the best thing he could do in this situation, unless he transforms himself and suddenly agrees to make positive changes, is to be honest with you that you're not a priority, and to leave you. Then you'd be free to go home and start over, and look for a better relationship. But be aware that he may not make it that easy for you. You have to be willing to break it off, if he continues to dismiss your concerns, or to get angry and refuse to discuss it, or something. If he remains avoidant of working the issue out, you'll have to become more actively involved in making a decision.
And yes, it would be upsetting for awhile, if the marriage were to fall apart, but at least you have the support of family and friends back home. 5 or 10 years from now, you'll probably look back on your 20's, and wonder why you stayed in this situation so long.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
