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I have been married over 30 years, and by year by year things have been getting worse and worse. I stayed for the kids, (studies at the time said it was best) or would have left 20 years ago. I don't work, was a stay at home Mom, last one just graduated. My husband does absolutely nothing but work. He works approximately 6-7 hours a day at not too demanding of a job. He comes home, sits on the couch and literally will not do anything. He walks past things that need picked up, won't do the yard, I truly mean will not do anything. He leaves his things all over. He bathes once a week (reeks), and won't bathe more, says he knows he should. His personal habits are disgusting. When I ask for money he always has an excuse of why he can't give it to me that day. But funny thing, he always has it for what he wants. He bounces checks almost every other day, so there is never money in the account. We have had 5 cars repossessed, lost two homes, been evicted, been sued umpteen times because he doesn't take care of business, utilities shut off all the time, tax liens, will not pay the bills on time. Spends money like its water. No savings, no retirement. No gifts for Valentine , anniversary Mothers Day,etc as "there is no money" then a week later goes out and buys himself something expensive. He eats like he has been on an island for a month with no food, and is 80 pounds over weight and has been for 99% of our marriage. We virtually don't talk and when ever I ask him to do something (take out the garbage) he will give me a dirty look and start an argument. It has gotten to the point I don't say anything to him because I know it's going to start an argument. I am not a complainer, never shared the problems with the kids and they think I am horrible to him. His family will have nothing to do with him. I am over 60 and never worked, so what options are there?
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,737,988 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by fedup123
I have been married over 30 years, and by year by year things have been getting worse and worse. I stayed for the kids, (studies at the time said it was best) or would have left 20 years ago. I don't work, was a stay at home Mom, last one just graduated. My husband does absolutely nothing but work. He works approximately 6-7 hours a day at not too demanding of a job. He comes home, sits on the couch and literally will not do anything. He walks past things that need picked up, won't do the yard, I truly mean will not do anything. He leaves his things all over. He bathes once a week (reeks), and won't bathe more, says he knows he should. His personal habits are disgusting. When I ask for money he always has an excuse of why he can't give it to me that day. But funny thing, he always has it for what he wants. He bounces checks almost every other day, so there is never money in the account. We have had 5 cars repossessed, lost two homes, been evicted, been sued umpteen times because he doesn't take care of business, utilities shut off all the time, tax liens, will not pay the bills on time. Spends money like its water. No savings, no retirement. No gifts for Valentine , anniversary Mothers Day,etc as "there is no money" then a week later goes out and buys himself something expensive. He eats like he has been on an island for a month with no food, and is 80 pounds over weight and has been for 99% of our marriage. We virtually don't talk and when ever I ask him to do something (take out the garbage) he will give me a dirty look and start an argument. It has gotten to the point I don't say anything to him because I know it's going to start an argument. I am not a complainer, never shared the problems with the kids and they think I am horrible to him. His family will have nothing to do with him. I am over 60 and never worked, so what options are there?
Hate to say it but the time to do something about it that will actually be effective has long come and passed. 20 years ago was the time to nip it in the bud by threatening divorce or something else in order to scare him into getting his act together or letting him go. You knew who this guy was because he made it quite clear, the burden was on you to do something about it.
Your options are to either lie in your bed you made or leave him, but at this point mind-numbing pain will be involved with either option.
Wow... what you describe is a living hell. And you don't have many options since you are 60 and have no work history.
Let me ask you this: if you husband lost weight and changed in other ways, could your marriage be happier? Do you have any love for him at all? Do you hate him, or are you just resentful and numb? More info needed.
Hate to say it but the time to do something about it that will actually be effective has long come and passed. 20 years ago was the time to nip it in the bud by threatening divorce or something else in order to scare him into getting his act together or letting him go. You knew who this guy was because he made it quite clear, the burden was on you to do something about it.
Your options are to either lie in your bed you made or leave him, but at this point mind-numbing pain will be involved with either option.
"Mind numbing pain"? Nah. Poverty yes. Pain no. Certainly the "pain" will not any worse that what she currently is enduring.
I would start by getting a job and opening my own bank account that HE has no access to. Start saving up some money of your own, doing the things you want to do and simply ignore him. It would be ridiculous to divorce now, with nothing to help yourself, not even a job....so start with the job and gain a little independence that way.
I have been married over 30 years, and by year by year things have been getting worse and worse. I stayed for the kids, (studies at the time said it was best) or would have left 20 years ago. I don't work, was a stay at home Mom, last one just graduated. My husband does absolutely nothing but work. He works approximately 6-7 hours a day at not too demanding of a job. He comes home, sits on the couch and literally will not do anything. He walks past things that need picked up, won't do the yard, I truly mean will not do anything. He leaves his things all over. He bathes once a week (reeks), and won't bathe more, says he knows he should. His personal habits are disgusting. When I ask for money he always has an excuse of why he can't give it to me that day. But funny thing, he always has it for what he wants. He bounces checks almost every other day, so there is never money in the account. We have had 5 cars repossessed, lost two homes, been evicted, been sued umpteen times because he doesn't take care of business, utilities shut off all the time, tax liens, will not pay the bills on time. Spends money like its water. No savings, no retirement. No gifts for Valentine , anniversary Mothers Day,etc as "there is no money" then a week later goes out and buys himself something expensive. He eats like he has been on an island for a month with no food, and is 80 pounds over weight and has been for 99% of our marriage. We virtually don't talk and when ever I ask him to do something (take out the garbage) he will give me a dirty look and start an argument. It has gotten to the point I don't say anything to him because I know it's going to start an argument. I am not a complainer, never shared the problems with the kids and they think I am horrible to him. His family will have nothing to do with him. I am over 60 and never worked, so what options are there?
Okay. I'm sorry that your life has turned out this way. But you've put up with it this long. You need to recognize that your own inertia contributed mightily to this situation. You chose martyrdom and it's come around to bite you in rear. After the first repossession, you should have said, "That's it. There are going to be some changes made around here, Mister." But you didn't.
Time to throw yourself on the mercy of your kids. Move out on him and in with them for a spell. Divorce him. Take what few marital assets you have and split them. Wipe your hands and walk away. And then find a job. Any job. Clerking at Wal-Mart. Answering phones. It really doesn't matter.
Because you don't have any money, you will likely work the rest of your life, sorry to say. But in a few years, you'll have Social Security to fall back on. And that's a helluva lot better than the hell you're in at the moment.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,737,988 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshineleith
"Mind numbing pain"? Nah. Poverty yes. Pain no. Certainly the "pain" will not any worse that what she currently is enduring.
Look, leaving a spouse after 30 years no matter how much they sucked is going to be a difficult order and painful after spending so much of yourself on the marriage. Don't underestimate it.
I would start by getting a job and opening my own bank account that HE has no access to. Start saving up some money of your own, doing the things you want to do and simply ignore him. It would be ridiculous to divorce now, with nothing to help yourself, not even a job....so start with the job and gain a little independence that way.
In addition, take some classes of interest at the community college or classes that are offred for free in your community. Start with your local library. You will be amazed at how being with with other people will help you mentally. Your children are out of the house. Make the rest of your life about you and whatever you want to do.
Once you get a job, check out income based senior citizen apartments in your area. Determine if you can manage living there alone.
You have to decide if starting over at 60 is better for you than staying with him.
Gezzz...what a loser!
Get out and enjoy the rest of your life! Let him waller` in his own stink!
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