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I will respond to this post as the child of very troubled parents.............
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Originally Posted by newnewyorkers
A friend of mine has two kids age 4 and 8... Ha ha ha, okay it's me... The thing is ive been with my husband 20 years, and love him but i get stressed with the kids and full timework etc... I also feel like he is always on his phone and tends to not live in the moment because he is in his group chat with h his childhood friends vs. paying attention to the kid who is about to spill his cup, etc...
Point is we bicker and sometimes we fight, and i hate it. He is not very capable of overcoming his emotions or gettin "over things". Before w ehad kids, our relationship was smoother. Some times i think we need to find a marriage counselor, and sometimes things seem just fine. I dont have family around so we can't really go on a weekend getaway as a couple.
The bickering, fighting and conflicts between our parents had a DEVASTATING and RUINOUS impact on us kids! We all carried and still carry emotional scars put here by our very disturbed and unhappy parents. They might say that they love or loved each other but I knew it was NOT true. They HAD to get married and most likely never loved each other at all but were "stuck" with each other which really harmed us kids! The anger, contempt, resentment and FEAR that permeated our home was crippling for us 3 kids even if our parents ignorantly accepted it for them selves.
Our parents very definitely needed and should have gone for counseling but that was unheard of in those days! I doubt that any kind of counseling could have saved their marriage or the serious mental damages they did to us 3 kids. If you have any love, respect or empathy for your kids, PLEASE get into counseling ASAP or get some emotional help for your kids before both of you totally ruin them with your unhappiness and animosity towards each other!!! Even when things seemed "fine", I lived with the permanent fear of the next outburst and there was ALWAYS another parental outburst! They gave me PTSD!!!
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Please city-data, tell me you have been through some rough times and things worked out! P,ease tell me if you ever considered couples therapy or whether thingd just got better after kids got older.
Thanks. Only constructive comments please.
Please do not wait for your kids to get older because you will have already damaged them by then and then they will have to go for counseling to undo the damages from harmful parenting. My most constructive comment is = GO FOR HELP - ASAP!!!!! FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR DEFENSELESS CHILDREN!
I don't know if that means telling you what you want to hear, but here goes:
It will not improve if you just sit there and wait for it to pass. When kids get older, it may get worse - when they hit middle school and high school, academic pressure gets cranked up, plus hormones kick in, their social life becomes more complicated etc., in other words - don't expect the stress level to drop. You're going to need your husband's help more than ever.
How to be proactive: Figure out if a.) Your husband has his face in the phone as a means of escape from the annoying reality or b.) you are being too demanding or just taking your stress out on him. If A - you need to make it very clear what your expectations are in terms of running the family. We, men are simple creatures and are not good at mind reading. Demand change, but analyze your own behavior too. I find that in most conflicts, both sides share some responsibility for the situation, but are unwilling to admin it.
Yeah, this isn't the sort of thing that gets better on its own. If you backburner your marriage, you get used to living separate lives, and before you know it, you no longer remember who you were as a couple.
My ex-wife and I worked full time while raising 3 kids. I do remember high stress incidents, but looking back, they seem pretty mild. Our marriage went downhill for other reasons. As one poster pointed out, finding consistent steady baby-sitting, can relieve a lot of the pressure. In one city where we lived, 4-5 families (friends) joined to create a baby-sitting co-op that worked wonderfully well and, after a while, we stopped even keeping books. In another place, a work colleague of mine had a large family. His wife and his eldest two daughters and son provided both daycare and baby sitting services with a lot of loving care. Yes, we had to pay, but it was well worth it.
If I had it to do over, I'd make a very serious effort to talk more and confront more of our issues even if it meant deep and bitter discussions that neither of my 2 previous partners were willing to face and talk about. There is an art to discussing difficult or painful things and I learned a lot in therapy and psychology about HOW to talk about things that matter to me and the other BUT, my two wives, especially the 1st one, were not willing or able to open up and speak their minds except when angry or frightened so then they would either EXPLODE or turn completely off. I allowed their fear and/or anger to shut me down but I'd do it differently now. There were no children in either unions so that reduced some of the stress but, succumbing to the "no talk rule" was the biggest mistake in both unions and now I can see how gutless I was in that regard. I knew HOW to discuss difficult things but chickened out when my two partners fought back or clammed up. As I said, there is an art to talking and it can be done if only one partner knows how or is willing to learn how to talk about things to reach a SOLUTION. Most folks are happy with NO SOLUTION so long as the conversation is OVER - at least for them! The sad fact is that, unless a solution is reached, the conversation is never over and things just get worse and worse until one of them leaves or perhaps dies. It's so obvious to me now! We needed to talk and talk with a Solution in sight and not just to win a momentary battle - UNTIL the next one and the next one, etc.! My 2nd marriage was way better than the 1st but, the "no talk rule" finally ruined that one too - and then she died! There was so much left unsaid and unfinished in both unions all because we simply could not bring our selves to grow up and TALK! A commitment to rigorous honesty almost worked in the 2nd union but even that collapsed as soon as our "honesty" got too honest or too frightening for her (not me) to handle! I was not as honest as I believed I would be but that could have been fixed with a few honest conversations but we got into playing it safe and avoiding difficult stuff right in the beginning and I knew it was wrong to keep sweeping things under the carpet but we were so happy together that I didn't want to rock the boat or hurt my beloved partner so I just shut up and pretended it was all PERFECT - but it wasn't! I don't know how many men or women out there can recognize or understand this confession but if all you get from this is the message to TALK AND TALK and don't let silence or fear shut you up, this message will have been worth it.
We had a beautiful, happy and loving union BUT, there were things we needed to talk about and NEVER DID! I could have talked but she was not able or willing and then sickness took over and suddenly she was dead and gone! If I am ever in a relationship again, I will open my f***king mouth and talk about things even if it kills my partner!!! I will never again allow the "no talk rule" to destroy me, my partner or a wonderful union. If my partner can't or won't open up and get honest with me - I will be gone in a heart beat! I will never again live with the ugly, painful burden of polite or stupid SILENCE for the sake of safety or to keep the peace. It's just too miserable and ugly to live like that and pretend that all's well when there's a sewer right under the surface. The only way to get through the ugliness is to TALK & TALK & TALK - or put on a mind-reading act. I never could read anyone's mind and I never met anyone who could read my mind - especially when there's unresolved emotions hiding inside of one or both partners. Open and honest conversations are the only way to deal with difficult stuff in a committed, loving union even if it's painful, frightening, embarrassing, threatening or enraging. I will never again settle for timid, polite or angry silence in a relationship! That's my contribution here.
Please city-data, tell me you have been through some rough times and things worked out! P,ease tell me if you ever considered couples therapy or whether thingd just got better after kids got older.
Thanks. Only constructive comments please.
I can only speak to my current situation. I don't really have any advice as I'm not claiming to be the work of success.
This is from a post in Parenting forum the describes some of what we've been through as a couple with children.
So you are not alone. Over the past few years we've made great progress... setting expectations, boundaries, improving communication therapy etc.. We rarely fought when we were friends, roommates, and dating. After marriage, the conflicts didn't start until our first child and quickly escalated with the birth of twins. Our MO wasn't constant bickering and fighting... it was more like silent pent up resentment and anger with occasional blow ups.
Its become a relationship of co-parenting... we've reverted back to simply friends/roommates. While we function as a couple much better and thus better parents, I am unhappy... and struggled to find my way. I still consider her to be my best friend and my family is extremely important to me. But I find my self emotionally held back to think of her in the same way; lover, wife.. etc. In some ways, I feel a bit guilty... shouldn't I be content with the state of our relationship given the progress we've made?
We are still functioning as a family.. things are great when we are out and enjoying days as a family. We still have dinner together as a family. Laugh, play, and enjoy as a family. The kids are happy. I pull a lot of strength from this....
I'm sure there are many people out there that can make "this" work and still find happiness. Whether or not I'm that person... I'm not sure. Its an unsettling feeling to be in a full house and yet feel painfully lonely.
As of a few weeks ago, I requested a divorce. We had a long time to talk about it and she isn't quite ready for that step... as such, we are kinda of a separation of sorts... trying to figure out what that means to us.
Sorry but I wish I had a wonderful ending to share... but reality sometimes doesn't work that way.
Years ago, I read a statement that made a lot of sense to me, and I always go back to this when I'm aggravated with my husband. I'll have to paraphrase it, but the idea is this.
ALWAYS assume your mate loves you. Go forth with that thought. Assume your mate does not wake up planning to **** you off, hurt your feelings, etc.
This helps ME to handle my aggravation. THEN if there's a problem, I'M calmer in explaining and asking for help. And I've found that most of the time, husbands are happy to help, but you need to be calm and explicit on what you need. If you need help getting the kids ready for bed, be specific and say "Honey, I feel overwhelmed sometimes, can you give little Jimmy his bath and get him in bed", BEFORE the actual event, so it's not sprung on him at the last minute.
We rarely fought when we were friends, roommates, and dating. After marriage, the conflicts didn't start until our first child and quickly escalated with the birth of twins. Our MO wasn't constant bickering and fighting... it was more like silent pent up resentment and anger with occasional blow ups.
Yep, that's how most frightened or "quiet" folks deal with their "issues" ---- hold, hold, hold, then EXPLODE! My 1st wife was an expert at holding and then EXPLODING and my 2nd wife also did that but to a much lesser degree. In therapy, I learned to acknowledge my feelings and TALK about them so I finally stopped EXPLODING when I could no longer hold it all in!
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Its become a relationship of co-parenting... we've reverted back to simply friends/roommates. While we function as a couple much better and thus better parents, I am unhappy... and struggled to find my way.
I want to address this point as the child of two very unhappy parents. You may "think" you are being "better" parents BUT, your unhappiness and "friends/roomates" policy is going to have negative effects on your kids, who are PRISONERS in your home and cannot escape the indirect, negative, angry, unhappy effects that are being dumped onto them by their miserable parents. Maybe you parents think all's well because your kids are not complaining or speaking up but thing are NOT OK for the kids!
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I still consider her to be my best friend and my family is extremely important to me. But I find my self emotionally held back to think of her in the same way; lover, wife.. etc. In some ways, I feel a bit guilty... shouldn't I be content with the state of our relationship given the progress we've made?
You "should be" whatever you feel.... BUT, you SHOULD do what is best for your helpless, dependent children ABOVE ALL ELSE! If you and your spouse are NOT HAPPY this is going to have devastating effects upon your children even if they and you cannot or will not acknowledge this.
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We are still functioning as a family.. things are great when we are out and enjoying days as a family. We still have dinner together as a family. Laugh, play, and enjoy as a family. The kids are happy. I pull a lot of strength from this....
In our family, us kids MIGHT HAVE looked and acted "happy", which must have pleased our not-so-happy parents, but we WERE NOT HAPPY! We were just putting on a "happy act" to avoid upsetting our already upset parents who were also putting on a "happy act" when out and about. We knew they were unhappy but we had no way to help them nor avoid the misery they were CAUSING us 3 helpless kids.
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I'm sure there are many people out there that can make "this" work and still find happiness. Whether or not I'm that person... I'm not sure. Its an unsettling feeling to be in a full house and yet feel painfully lonely.
Well,speaking for the children, its' even MORE unsettling to be the helpless PRISONER in such a family! Our family might have "worked" if our parents had gone into counseling but that was completely unacceptable back then so they just limped along until the anger and pain finally forced them to separate and divorce - THANK GOD!!!
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As of a few weeks ago, I requested a divorce. We had a long time to talk about it and she isn't quite ready for that step... as such, we are kinda of a separation of sorts... trying to figure out what that means to us.
I'll tell you what it means TO YOUR CHILDREN - it's a nightmare that they have had to endure for a long, sickening time and they probably PRAY that their parents will either get divorced or have a professional HELP them (and the kids) find peace and happiness in their unhappy marriage - which is KILLING the kids right now!
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Sorry but I wish I had a wonderful ending to share... but reality sometimes doesn't work that way.
As the child of a miserable family and miserable parents/parenting, the only "wonderful ending" I'd accepted was either Professional Help for their marriage or a DIVORCE. Once our dad packed up his stuff and drove away, never to return, all of us kids and our mom BLOSSOMED and began to live HAPPILY once the pressure and pain was lifted from us. I believe mom missed her "support system daddy" but I certainly did not miss the terror, misery, pain and RAGE of two bitter and unhappy parents that held me as a frightened and angry PRISONER for so many years. I left home the second I could and never looked back!
If the only "wonderful ending" you can come up with is a divorce, I am sure your burdened kids can and will LOVE that solution and then they can relax and be happy without the constant pressure of two miserable parents spoiling every moment of their IMPRISONED lives. Kids are basically prisoners in their own homes and a prison can be made much better when the Guards (parents) are friendly and happy rather than the way it is in your home/prison now. Think of what is best for your own children/prisoners and that might show you parents what to do FOR THEIR SAKE!!!
Years ago, I read a statement that made a lot of sense to me, and I always go back to this when I'm aggravated with my husband. I'll have to paraphrase it, but the idea is this.
ALWAYS assume your mate loves you. Go forth with that thought. Assume your mate does not wake up planning to **** you off, hurt your feelings, etc.
This helps ME to handle my aggravation. THEN if there's a problem, I'M calmer in explaining and asking for help. And I've found that most of the time, husbands are happy to help, but you need to be calm and explicit on what you need. If you need help getting the kids ready for bed, be specific and say "Honey, I feel overwhelmed sometimes, can you give little Jimmy his bath and get him in bed", BEFORE the actual event, so it's not sprung on him at the last minute.
I like that concept.
In relationship books, my 2nd wife and I were taught many such powerful and useful concepts and the one that got us through nearly every "glitch" was the BELIEF that our SO was our "best friend" ALL THE TIME - not just whenever we felt good - and that no matter what "issue" we had, we approached each other in a spirit of GOOD WILL and did it CONSISTENTLY - not just to get something or win a point. Once we committed to being best friends ALL THE TIME, it was smooth sailing from then on! The key to any concept or policy is to make it as consistent and reliable as possible so the other person develops relaxed TRUST that you will actually be a loving, best friend (as much as possible) or maybe all the time and then real love can blossom between these best friends.
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Kids are PRISONERS
All the time!
