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Please don't moralise or call me a "home wrecker", it takes two to tango. I have been dating a married man for 3 years but our ideas seem to be different. I have low self worth and low self esteem and find myself allowing it all to be on his terms and I am very sad. He was going to leave his wife a year or so ago and we were going to live together, until he couldn't. His words were "she is a companion I just cant leave". Then this week he was looking at houses to rent for us both, but when I mentioned it yesterday he came out with his favourite line "its difficult". He plays with my head and wants it all but I am too weak not to say enough. He is my best friend and he knows me better than anyone but I am going through such a hard time with other things he cant or wont deal with it all. Lat night I was crying my eyes out down the phone to him and all he could say was I feel guilty now for starting all this. Has anyone got any words that can help me please?
To quote the great relationship movie "When Harry Met Sally": "You know he's never going to leave her."
Sad, low self-worth self-esteem, too weak -- blah, blah, blah. None of those are reasons for dating a married man. It may take "two to tango", but let's face it, if you had chosen not to tango, you wouldn't be in this predicament. Surely, on some level, you knew this was going to end badly? Right? What fantasy were you trying to emulate where you thought this was going to end up as The Romance of the Ages?
Let's face it, sweetie -- he doesn't have to pay to go to a hooker to get his rocks off, because he can do you for free. And you enable him by letting him lead you along like some trusting puppy, who comes back and licks his feet when he emotionally kicks you again and again. He doesn't have to "deal" with your problems -- believe me, he has enough of them at home without taking on yours, too.
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be. Time to wake up, smell the coffee, and break it off with this jerk. The final question is: How on earth could you EVER trust someone who would treat his own wife like this? This is not a man of character and honor. Even if he DID leave her for you -- how much longer before he starts staring longingly at the greener grass over the fence?
Please don't moralise or call me a "home wrecker", it takes two to tango. I have been dating a married man for 3 years but our ideas seem to be different. I have low self worth and low self esteem and find myself allowing it all to be on his terms and I am very sad. He was going to leave his wife a year or so ago and we were going to live together, until he couldn't. His words were "she is a companion I just cant leave". Then this week he was looking at houses to rent for us both, but when I mentioned it yesterday he came out with his favourite line "its difficult". He plays with my head and wants it all but I am too weak not to say enough. He is my best friend and he knows me better than anyone but I am going through such a hard time with other things he cant or wont deal with it all. Lat night I was crying my eyes out down the phone to him and all he could say was I feel guilty now for starting all this. Has anyone got any words that can help me please?
Quit seeing him. He will not leave her for you.
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I know a lady who stayed with a married man for 10 years. She thought she was the only one until he didn't answer his cell phone one day she called him. Turns out he was with another lady who probably thought she was the only other woman besides his wife. She had a pity party for a year or so and nobody really felt sorry for her. Yes, the man didn't leave his wife. So lady's, quit wasting your time. You are giving some of your best years to a cheat who isn't leaving his wife. Move on, better to be alone than be heartbroken for years after he finally tells you he isn't going anywhere. I still see this lady from time to time and she is still crying over the man that was never her's. I told her she wasted the best years of her life and she finally admitted it. It was a one way street.
Realize that your low self-esteem is fueling your cruel streak---your need to hurt others to make yourself feel better. It's what bullies do also. You somehow believe that you are scoring points for hurting another man's wife and children. That you are somehow the "winner."
But explore that. Because I know you DON'T feel like a winner. You feel lower than a dung beetle. Your silly formula isn't even working and you are getting dragged down into a deeper circle of hell than even his family now lives in.
Words like "homewrecker" imply any blame is down to one party. That is rarely, if ever, the case. We don't know how this relationship evolved.
But at the same time one shouldn't be coddled and no excuses should be made for either of them.
I'm sorry but it's hard for me to feel sorry for anyone who is helping to sabotage a relationship. If she didn't know, I could understand. But she DOES know.
They're both equally responsible. She's didn't have to stay and he didn't have to wander.
But at the same time one shouldn't be coddled and no excuses should be made for either of them.
I'm sorry but it's hard for me to feel sorry for anyone who is helping to sabotage a relationship. If she didn't know, I could understand. But she DOES know.
They're both equally responsible. She's didn't have to stay and he didn't have to wander.
You are not wrong.
OP didn't say, but I find myself wondering if this man's wife knows what is going on.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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I think you'll feel greatly unburdened when you break up with him. The burden of living a life that's not respectable is heavy - you can't talk about your primary relationship with anyone who you hope will admire and like you. And that's a huge burden. The scarlet letter.
You say he knows you better than anyone else - but you don't know him in the same way. All of us here in this thread know him - he's not a great husband, his wife and he have some kind of difficulty (probably but maybe not) and he's turning to you for sex and admiration and he never once seriously took steps to find a place for you two to live, or steps to leaving his wife. Because he's not going to. Not for this relationship anyway - men do leave for their mistresses sometimes. This one isn't going to.
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