The girl he wants, is the girl I want to be inside
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OP here. Sorry. On second reading, yes my original post is unclear. HawaiianCoconut got it right though, that is what I was trying to actually say.
I am a girl....and my post is about a guy, and...yada yada yada and all that but the point is, I've always had a vision of my "ideal" self that for a whole lot of various reasons, such as fear and laziness and exposure to a whole lot of dysfunction, I'm actually not, at least not yet. Most of the goals that I haven't achieved center around improving my personality, I have a lot of social anxiety and don't have a lot of "skills" conversationally, I'm very friendly but I can't power a conversation, I know how to be polite, but not witty. My girl friends even think so, but they still love me anyway, thankfully.
So now, there is a guy, and I like him more than I care to admit, he is very smart and generous and loyal and patient. He's also very quick-witted, and when we converse he can connect all sorts of random dots and make jokes and do things that I've always WANTED to be able to do, but cannot. So while I can laugh and enjoy, I cannot engage back on the same level, and that is the problem. I've always wanted to have that ability, I mean, long, long before I ever met this person. But I never anticipated being in this kind of situation, where the rare case happens that I meet someone who I think likes me, and I like back, and things end up flopping because I don't know how to hold a proper conversation. It's like having bad breath, and discovering it while on your dream date, and wishing that a family member or heck even a stranger had checked you for it long before the date ever happened. Right now, I'm wishing I'd met the stranger first, if that makes any sense.
I can relate. I have a similar issue. I have an ideal self. I consider myself very far from my ideal self.
OP, why would you want to be someone you're not. Accept that you are boring. And find someone who will accept you as you are - boring.
I am speaking from experience. I found my husband after 4 decades of boringness. LOL.
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