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People I've dated used to complain that I'm not very nice to them at times. I definitely cared for them whether I always showed it or not. But this is a harsh and stressful society. I can't always switch back and forth from being a nice person.
Every day it's arguments at the job, almost getting plowed into during traffic, the usual passive aggressive behavior while shopping/errands. Of course the ongoing wedge/divide campaign on social media and TV. You want to step into the Roman Coliseum after all of that! You can avoid some of the stressors like the media, but you simply can't hide from everything.
I'd love to be nice and affectionate all the time, but the only time it's appropriate to act that way is with people in your life. This is a problem I've had with dating and serious relationships, but I guess it extends to friends and family as well.
You don't need to hide from everything, but you need to learn how to manage daily living, and don't let small unpleasantries affect your mood.
You also need to learn how to leave you worries "at home" when you are dealing with others. No one likes to be around a moody person...
If you're already in the habit of complaining about your day, than sometimes, you need a reminder about all the good in your day.
Even if you had one helluva crap day, SOMETHING good happened too. Like...you ALMOST got creamed in traffic...but you didn't. Be thankful.
Every day, maybe on your drive home from work, think about your day, and think about the blessings that happened. List at least 5 things that were 'good'. Make it a daily 'thing'. Even if it's just a little thing.
For instance,
1. You heard one of your favorite songs on the radio
2. A friend told a funny joke
3. Someone complimented you on your outfit today
4. You learned something interesting that you didn't know before
5. Your boss criticized you for such and such, but that's a PLUS because it gives you the OPPORTUNITY to change and do such and such different the next time...
After awhile of focusing on the positive, it starts to become 2nd nature to start looking for the silver lining, and seeing more of the good than the bad.
People I've dated used to complain that I'm not very nice to them at times. I definitely cared for them whether I always showed it or not. But this is a harsh and stressful society. I can't always switch back and forth from being a nice person.
Every day it's arguments at the job, almost getting plowed into during traffic, the usual passive aggressive behavior while shopping/errands. Of course the ongoing wedge/divide campaign on social media and TV. You want to step into the Roman Coliseum after all of that! You can avoid some of the stressors like the media, but you simply can't hide from everything.
I'd love to be nice and affectionate all the time, but the only time it's appropriate to act that way is with people in your life. This is a problem I've had with dating and serious relationships, but I guess it extends to friends and family as well.
I'd say don't let it get to you, but you'd also have to prepare for escalation. One thing that helps me is standing my ground. But you got to pick your battles.
I have people trying to plow into me everyday (almost hitting me, turning their car around, almost hitting me again and when I look into the window, I see the evil glare.) I also deal with tons of other shananigans all day. What I do is I call (some of) them out. Yeah, I do risk a royal beat down, but it is much better than keeping it in and then taking it out on the innocent.
When you get home leave all the crap that happened that day inside the car and shut the door on it.
Sometimes, the crap piles up. Don't want to drive in a smelly car. Don't want to bring it home either.
What I do is just keep the media off unless it is something that is relevant to me or family. Now the crap I deal with on a day to day basis, I am a bit cautious, but I throw it back in some cases.
People I've dated used to complain that I'm not very nice to them at times. I definitely cared for them whether I always showed it or not. But this is a harsh and stressful society. I can't always switch back and forth from being a nice person.
Every day it's arguments at the job, almost getting plowed into during traffic, the usual passive aggressive behavior while shopping/errands. Of course the ongoing wedge/divide campaign on social media and TV. You want to step into the Roman Coliseum after all of that! You can avoid some of the stressors like the media, but you simply can't hide from everything.
I'd love to be nice and affectionate all the time, but the only time it's appropriate to act that way is with people in your life. This is a problem I've had with dating and serious relationships, but I guess it extends to friends and family as well.
Being nice to people, especially those to whom you're close, is never negotiable. I have a deep suspicion of people who think that good manners are something one only exercises when you're in the right mood.
There seems to be a lot of self-centeredness apparent in your post for you seem to think that being a "nice person" is conditional. Let me clear matters up: Just because you had a couple of unpleasant experiences in your day does not give you license to take it out on others. The fact that people remark on this is evidence.
Mind you, I don't think you have to be all sunshine and daisies and puppies 24/7. But basic consideration means not ripping innocent people a new one simply because you've had a bad day.
If you're really doing this, it's a serious character flaw on your part. Because, chances are, you aren't the only person out there who is having a bad day. So the first step is to actually have awareness of how your own mood affects others.
Last edited by MinivanDriver; 10-10-2017 at 07:20 AM..
If you constantly cannot let your work day or commute go enough to enjoy your time at home with the people you care about, it may be time to get some help on letting those stresses go and planning appropriate life changes to improve your general happiness.
A few years ago I was dating somebody seriously, but I had problems at an incredibly stressful work environment. On days when I spent time with her, I prepared beforehand to set all my stresses aside, and I was a nice and cheerful person. In a way I was lying about myself, because there was really nothing pleasant about my life at that time. But she made me happy etc etc.
Eventually we moved into the same place for a while, and she saw what I was like every day when I'm battling hostility every day. Before moving, I got complaints from her that I wasn't always the nicest person, but she was exposed to all of it when we lived together. I had to relocate to another job and she had to stay in that city, and it fell apart after that.
I've been dating after that, but I can't sincerely set my daily stress aside and be pleasant. I try to, but I don't think it's convincing. It's like I'm in an island where being nice has no place in my surroundings, but I have to/want to be nice to people I date, as well as friends/relatives. Without them, it seems like I'd "fit in" better by being a hostile, passive-aggressive jerk.
"The usual passive-aggressive behavior while shopping"? Never encountered or heard of that. Where do you shop? Stay away from WalMart, you might feel better. National/world news getting you down? Stop watching. Take a therapeutic break.
Sounds like you need a massage. You'd be surprised how they make stress melt away, and give you a fresh perspective on your life. It turns off your stress hormones, and gets some mellow endorphins going. They call it "therapeutic" massage for a reason!
Good self-care is important, OP. What do you do on your lunch break? Take a walk, find a park to walk to, and take a 10-minute meditation break. Put on some beautiful music when you get home. Put on your fave tunes on the car stereo, and sing along. Sing your way home!
Whatever works, OP.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 10-10-2017 at 06:02 PM..
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