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That is a great question. As I said, my sister has tried to help him do that. He is miserable in his job and doesn't even know if he wants to continue in his career. She has supported him while he trained for a different license and even that didn't prompt him to make the change.
For his part, he has a lot of anxiety, almost paralysis, about change. So while it could be easy for someone to say "go and get a better job-- you will be happier" he can't seem to bring himself to do it. My sis does wonder if she is enabling him to stay in a position he hates by making him financially comfortable.
From an outside observer perspective, something has to give sooner than later. Sis is tired of busting her butt and would like him to bring more to the table. She recently hired cleaning service because he's "too tired" to clean and they were fighting about it. I think that just made something snap. (She said "he's too tired? What about me?")
He wasn't always this way-- he has not had the same job for 15 years, but has had this one for 9 years--he had worked for another practice where the owner died unexpectedly and it was closed (that is what it takes to get him to change jobs apparently.)
Sis is not a "negative person" as some has suggested, nor is she pining over her "inability to attract a wealthier man" (some of the misogyny on this forum is stunning, though I have read it enough to expect it). There are resentments. When he worked for the other practice and she was starting out in her career they were on much more equal footing.
Your sister clearly has an immense need to be the provider and protector. She obviously relishes the role. But she also wants to feel appreciated. Maybe her husband could do more around the house, and wear something nice for when she gets home. At the same time, perhaps she could extend a gesture of goodwill, such as taking him out somewhere special and pampering him.
That is a great question. As I said, my sister has tried to help him do that. He is miserable in his job and doesn't even know if he wants to continue in his career. She has supported him while he trained for a different license and even that didn't prompt him to make the change.
For his part, he has a lot of anxiety, almost paralysis, about change. So while it could be easy for someone to say "go and get a better job-- you will be happier" he can't seem to bring himself to do it. My sis does wonder if she is enabling him to stay in a position he hates by making him financially comfortable.
From an outside observer perspective, something has to give sooner than later. Sis is tired of busting her butt and would like him to bring more to the table. She recently hired cleaning service because he's "too tired" to clean and they were fighting about it. I think that just made something snap. (She said "he's too tired? What about me?")
He wasn't always this way-- he has not had the same job for 15 years, but has had this one for 9 years--he had worked for another practice where the owner died unexpectedly and it was closed (that is what it takes to get him to change jobs apparently.)
Sis is not a "negative person" as some has suggested, nor is she pining over her "inability to attract a wealthier man" (some of the misogyny on this forum is stunning, though I have read it enough to expect it). There are resentments. When he worked for the other practice and she was starting out in her career they were on much more equal footing.
Has he always had severe anxiety about change or is that a recent development? Anxiety and being "too tired" makes me wonder if he's suffering from mild depression.
That is a great question. As I said, my sister has tried to help him do that. He is miserable in his job and doesn't even know if he wants to continue in his career. She has supported him while he trained for a different license and even that didn't prompt him to make the change.
For his part, he has a lot of anxiety, almost paralysis, about change. So while it could be easy for someone to say "go and get a better job-- you will be happier" he can't seem to bring himself to do it. My sis does wonder if she is enabling him to stay in a position he hates by making him financially comfortable.
From an outside observer perspective, something has to give sooner than later. Sis is tired of busting her butt and would like him to bring more to the table. She recently hired cleaning service because he's "too tired" to clean and they were fighting about it. I think that just made something snap. (She said "he's too tired? What about me?")
He wasn't always this way-- he has not had the same job for 15 years, but has had this one for 9 years--he had worked for another practice where the owner died unexpectedly and it was closed (that is what it takes to get him to change jobs apparently.)
Sis is not a "negative person" as some has suggested, nor is she pining over her "inability to attract a wealthier man" (some of the misogyny on this forum is stunning, though I have read it enough to expect it). There are resentments. When he worked for the other practice and she was starting out in her career they were on much more equal footing.
The best thing possibly for him is a kick in the arse to make a change. To heck with his fear of change; if he's miserable he needs to reshape his career or don't complain about it. He's in a unique but fortunate circumstance where he has the flexibility to reshape his career mid-life. So many other people would love for that opportunity.
So she should give him an ultimatum:
1) Find out what career would make him satisfied if not happy. Maybe it entails opening a business where he works for himself.
2) Research what it will take to begin said change (e.g. Go back to school or get capital for a business)
3) start process of the change
Your sister can take care of the central costs to buy him some time to get this set. If he does not follow this process then she should look long and hard at their future.
Has he always had severe anxiety about change or is that a recent development? Anxiety and being "too tired" makes me wonder if he's suffering from mild depression.
That is a great question. As I said, my sister has tried to help him do that. He is miserable in his job and doesn't even know if he wants to continue in his career. She has supported him while he trained for a different license and even that didn't prompt him to make the change.
For his part, he has a lot of anxiety, almost paralysis, about change. So while it could be easy for someone to say "go and get a better job-- you will be happier" he can't seem to bring himself to do it. My sis does wonder if she is enabling him to stay in a position he hates by making him financially comfortable.
From an outside observer perspective, something has to give sooner than later. Sis is tired of busting her butt and would like him to bring more to the table. She recently hired cleaning service because he's "too tired" to clean and they were fighting about it. I think that just made something snap. (She said "he's too tired? What about me?")
He wasn't always this way-- he has not had the same job for 15 years, but has had this one for 9 years--he had worked for another practice where the owner died unexpectedly and it was closed (that is what it takes to get him to change jobs apparently.)
Sis is not a "negative person" as some has suggested, nor is she pining over her "inability to attract a wealthier man" (some of the misogyny on this forum is stunning, though I have read it enough to expect it). There are resentments. When he worked for the other practice and she was starting out in her career they were on much more equal footing.
Phys. therapy is not tiring. There's something else going on here. Depression, perhaps? It seems like all he has to do, to get a job he likes, is to find a good employer. If he managed that once, he can pull it off again. It only involves updating the resume, and doing some internet research, to find out which employers in the area need a new phys. therapist.
Still wondering why your sis married a guy who wasn't happy with his profession, and spent his spare time playing video games, though. What did she see in him? There must have been more to the picture. She must have known he was unambitious when they were dating...?
And I think it's hilarious that every time there is some juvenile slacking male in a relationship, the problem for you misogynist sickos is never that the dude is slacking. It's that the woman can't handle being the breadwinner.
It's different when the man has a fairly nice job (in my opinion, maybe not the rest of CD) and at least supports himself.
I have a feeling he's depressed and anxious, and the wife has a problem with his mood issues more than anything. He probably doesn't help much around the house due to depression.
Likewise, the wife is probably overworking herself and giving herself anxiety. The husband probably can't do enough to resolve this, unless he has such a nice job that he can support her to be unemployed. But it sounds like she still wants to overwork herself.
The video game thing is a perception thing. You can be the darn president of the world, and people still think you're lazy and juvenile for playing video games.
Isn't building passive-aggressive resentment great?
Sis has said that BIL treats her like a mom at times and has no idea what goes into providing for both of them. He isn't a kid, he is her equal in the partnership. I am sure that is where the resentment comes in.
He treats her in the manner that she ALLOWS herself to be treated. Don't want to be a mom to him? Then don't act like one.
One of my siblings is having some serious angst over a statement her husband made. He claims it was misspoken but she thinks he meant exactly what he said. Both have tried to get me to intervene with the other, and I don't want to get involved. But I am wondering what others make of this.
Background: they have been together 15 years. Sis has high powered job and is the breadwinner. Husband is underemployed and underappreciated but works hard. They don't have kids by choice (due to a health issue of the husband's as well). Husband hates his job, sis loves hers. This has been the dynamic since they got together.
Sis is always busy-- volunteers a lot, writes for a media outlet on investing as a side project, etc. Husband wants to come home and relax and play video games, not really much of a go-getter and seems content with sis taking the lead. Financial burden is on sis and they have a nice lifestyle. Of course, I love both of them and from the outside, they seem to have a good marriage.
So during a recent "conversation" (probably an argument) H said that he appreciated sis because she helped him "better himself." She took exception and thought that sounded like he was using her to live a nicer lifestyle than he would be able to do on his own. When questioned, husband apparently changed his answer and said that he meant she helped make him "a better person" but sis thinks the "better myself" comment was really what he meant. She says she feels very used. Husband says she is nuts to take that comment as a negative.
What do you think?
I think your sister is nuts. Better myself, to me, means makes me a better person.
And I think it's hilarious that every time there is some juvenile slacking male in a relationship, the problem for you misogynist sickos is never that the dude is slacking. It's that the woman can't handle being the breadwinner.
The best part is when the word misogynist is used and some 'new poster' responds to the female posting with "No dear", when he definitely wouldn't have responded to who he thought was a male with "dear, babe, sweetie", whatever term he wishes to use to indicate being a man is superior.
Quote:
Originally Posted by alpinous
No dear, she clearly can't handle being the breadwinner. Funny how he can still be called a slacking male even though he has a job.
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