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From maybe middle school on, I felt I was bisexual. I had a crush on a boy I went to school with, but didn't have my first same sex experience until I was in my early 20s. It was with a lifelong friend whom I knew to be bisexual. He wanted to be more serious, I was fine with just sex. He's since passed away, suicide and I think his struggles with orientation were at least a contributing factor. I've since had a couple one night stands with men, I think just two different men once each, and a transgender woman several times. Outside of the late friend, I've probably had less than ten same sex experiences, so not really experienced with it.
I've dated women virtually exclusively, but have had only two long-term dedicated relationships that lasted at least a year. I was happy with both of them, and have had other, shorter or more casual relationships over the years, as well as casual sex. Pretty normal stuff. I've always considered myself bisexual with more hetero leanings and never thought much more about it.
I moved back to my hometown in northeast TN last year. Since then, I haven't been on one date with a woman where I thought there was any long-term potential at all. I've received virtually no interest from women. I've been interested in a few but have been turned down repeatedly. I've only had sex with a woman twice since I moved back from Indiana last summer. That's the least I've had since before I was 18.
Given the poor dating scene locally, I'm quickly losing interest in dating here. This is an area that skews older. Most women around my age (early 30s) are married with kids. Those that aren't generally have some sort of nasty baggage. That doesn't mean I don't turn my head when a good looking woman walks by, but I've been turned down so many times and have seen so much ridiculous baggage and drama here I don't care to try dating anymore. At least not in this area.
I went out to a sports bar after going to the gym last night. I sat down next to two older men, who were a gay couple. There were only a couple of chairs left. I didn't consciously select to sit beside them. They started talking about the local gay scene with me not long after I sat down like I set off their "gaydar." I hadn't even seen these men before. They were probably thirty years older than me and I didn't find them attractive, but I just found it telling they freely talked about it. I got a number from an attractive transwoman. I've gotten several random Facebook messages from gay men I don't know telling me I'm attractive or they want to talk over the past few weeks. I would say 80%-90% interest I've gotten has been from gay men/transwomen. Locally, I'm finding myself on the dating sites checking men out more often than women. I never had this "issue" when I lived in Indianapolis.
I'm not a model but not ugly either. I'm a bit overweight, but not extremely obese or anything. I have a good job. I'm a good conversationalist. Normal hobbies and activities. My personal life doesn't have a lot of baggage. I've really never even thought about my orientation until the last few weeks. I'm still attracted to women, but I get almost zero interest back locally, even from women who are extremely unattractive or have baggage. I went to Florida for vacation over Labor Day weekend and went on a date with a woman there who I found very attractive. I looked at men a time or two on the dating sites/Tinder, but mostly looked for women. Just a totally different vibe than here.
I don't dress or act in any stereotypical gay fashion. I'm not a person you'd notice from appearances at all. I don't understand why I'm getting absolutely no attention from women and seeming to set off every gaydar from every bi/gay/trans person that seems to come my way at all. It's like I'm wearing a big badge that says "I'm gay and available! Come talk to me!" I don't consider myself gay or "feel" gay.
Is it possible I'm projecting this gay vibe, and women are assuming that I am gay? Is my frustration with local dating that obvious? I understand I'm getting jaded, but I never thought I would be attracting almost exclusively LGBT people.
I think, its all in your head. I mean, you're not dressing the part and dont have a noticeable limp wrist. Unless, the places you're going to is known to be prominently gay establishments?
I think, its all in your head. I mean, you're not dressing the part and dont have a noticeable limp wrist. Unless, the places you're going to is known to be prominently gay establishments?
No, this is just a regular restaurant. I've noticed that a couple of gay men I know frequently hang out there, but it is not a gay bar.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,758,476 times
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I'm not bi but I have a major problem in setting off others gays are apparently. Coupled with my problems getting girls everyone thinks Im gay. Hello, not every guy from the hood who dresses well, has a degree, and speaks decent English is gay dammit! It really makes me mad to the point I'm going to cuss out the next person who accuses me of being gay.
Last edited by The Dissenter; 09-22-2017 at 08:57 AM..
Do you think that deep in your heart you really ARE gay, but feel like you can't "be" gay because of your family? (You mentioned in your other thread they are quite religious. I know not all religious people are anti-gay but maybe you assume they won't accept you?)
Do you think that deep in your heart you really ARE gay, but feel like you can't "be" gay because of your family? (You mentioned in your other thread they are quite religious. I know not all religious people are anti-gay but maybe you assume they won't accept you?)
No, I don't feel that I am gay. I was first attracted to a male classmate in middle school. I hadn't seen him since high school and met him for lunch a few years back, and time has not been kind to him. After that, I don't remember being attracted to a man for years. I'm still attracted to women, but I'm just immensely frustrated with the dating scene in this area.
I think part of it is that I am so frustrated with traditional dating and with no luck at all with women, that I'm just looking at any other option. While I was always bisexual to a degree, I think because of a lack of hetero options, I'm looking more at men/transwomen.
I'm not attracted to most men. I go for transwomen, smaller guys, more feminine looking guys, etc. I'm only 5'8 and I rarely, if ever, find myself attracted to a man taller than me. I don't like men with beards or hairy men.
I vaguely believe in God, but not religious at all. "Coming out" as a Trump supporter is bad enough in my family. While they are religious and Democrats, they're pretty conservative on the gay issue. I have an older female cousin who had a daughter when she started college, then came out a few years later. She's been with the same woman for ten years. Her dad still loves her and they speak, but he is extremely disappointed and they are not as close.
It sounds like you may be giving off that vibe but it also sounds like you're confused as to your sexuality. I'm guessing women can get a sense of that and may be reluctant to commit. If you really think you're hetero sexual then stop with the glances at men on the dating sites. I guess what I'm saying is that until you know what you really want, how will anyone else?
You probably have gay tendencies and just don't realize it.
With that said, you don't have to be gay because you can't get a woman. Just think about what you're doing now, and do the opposite. Maybe that will work.
Which gender most often enters your sexual fantasies?
You never say in your OP that you are sexually attracted to women, only that you have had a few relationships with them. You do talk at length about what turns you on in a man.
It also sounds like you measure yourself based on sexual conquests, not mutually committed relationships.
I believe you are gay but don't want to commit to that orientation for some reason.
OP, you probably look and sound a certain way to set off other people's gaydar. All too many people (probably especially in Tennessee) always have their gaydar machines turned to high. You probably shouldn't be surprised. But don't let it bother you, there are always a ton of people who try to turn the world into issues of the Enquirer, Star or other intrusive sources. Like people who are delighted to find out John is gay, like they've discovered gold. Or people who are delighted if they find out Jane's marriage is on-the-rocks, there are always these lame busybodies. Just do you (and move from TN when ready, I remember some of your posts).
And anyone will always get more attention from men whether it has anything to do with sex/dating or not. Women are much more careful about who they talk to and usually don't like taking the initiative on dating/interest in the opposite gender.
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